life help: we keep arguing about the same thing…. - Help.com

Break up with him and tell him to call you when he’s over his ex

Then I don’t think he’s over her.

I think you’re being really unfair to him. Maybe she’s an ex, but death is a lot worse than a break-up.

You guys should not be dating, because he’s not over her and probably isn’t ready to move on and you’re probably hurting him more.

that sounds like a very good plan but it’s not as easy as you think it is. you really just need to be in one of our shoes. but thats a good plan.

I think you’re just making it more difficult than it has to be.

that’s the thing, he is over her but he just likes to keep her things around for “memories”. we’ve been dating for a while. and we love each other. but it’s just things like this that gets on my nerves, he wants to keep it around in “honor” of her. now i just feel second. like wat about in honor of your future wife? she was his **** high school sweet heart i mean thats like puppy love, what about the girl you swore you would spend the rest of your life with? ya know.

it’s been like over a year. since she died and clearly he is over her he dated like 2 other girls and they both dumped him cuz he keep doing **** like this.

i mean how dare he even ask me if he could get a tattoo of her NAME as just to honor her. wtf is that?!

Well, if they were high school sweethearts, and she died, I’m sure it still hurts. You NEVER get over death.

Have you ever had someone close to you die?

The tattoo is stupid, yeah. But I don’t think pictures are a big problem.

the thing is he’s looking only on his side of the view. it hurts me and it’s unfair when he keep saying he loves me and cares about me but he’s doing so much more for someone else. no matter what she is STILL an ex. he can’t see my side of it.

and i have waited so patiently, and kept myself humble. but i can’t take this sh!t no more.

Ask him to look on your side of it.

But you have to be in his shoes, too. It’s a two-way street, understanding.

Again I ask, have you ever had someone, anyone, close to you die?

My boyfriend still has pictures of his ex wife around. and I have pictures of my ex husband hanging up. Everyone has baggage and that’s just the way life goes. Asking him to take down picturse of someone who obviously meant a lot to him is not cool. See if you can strike a compromise. Have him just leave up a select few of his favorites and put away the rest?

He probably loves you very much. He can love you even if he loved someone else in his past. Maybe those were very happy times for him and he wants to remember them. Would you want him asking you to get rid of all evidence of any of your happy times? I can understand where you’re coming from. I don’t like seeing pictures of my boyfriends ex, but I do like seeing him happy.

Like I said, see if the two of you can reach a compromise.

of course i look on his side of the view thats why i’ve been waiting patiently and kept myself quiet. and yes i have lost loved one’s their not dead we just go through alot of drama and i completely cut them out of my life. i do not keep in touch with any of my family, i am estranged to them. and i used to be so close to my mother, she still calls n i never pick up. i got some serious issues and drama going on as you can see. if i leave him then i have no where to go. and no i don’t have any memories of myself because i do not take pictures. i’m just a very awkward person.

i just don’t wanna have to lose him because i know this relationship has soo much potential, it’s so easy for me to just pack up and leave. and never return and it’s sad to know that it could’ve been something more. if i wanted to i could just cut him off right now and lose all contact.

Well, it’s a whole different thing to choose to cut someone out of your life than to have them taken from you.

i still don’t give a **** he needs to take that **** down. and delet those **** pictures. and all her ******* **** needs to be returned to her family at least. no matter what she is still an ex. it’s so easy for him to not say anything about me cuz i don’t have **** from my past. so if he wants to be with me he needs to do the same. i am ******* tired of waiting and keeping my ******* mouth shut. it’s time for the real girlfriend to come out.

if he doesn’t do it by tonight i am gone by the morning.

Well it sounds to me like you’ve made your decision then. I’m sorry for you that this is so hard. But maybe one day you’ll see how harsh you are being right now.

anothernikki wrote:
Well it sounds to me like you’ve made your decision then. I’m sorry for you that this is so hard. But maybe one day you’ll see how harsh you are being right now.

Exactly.

Might as well leave tonight.

well he also needs to understand that every good memory of her and him, is also leaving bad memories and me and him. why can’t he just keep it to himself? pictures are worth a thousand words but memories last forever. he don’t need pictures to remember her.

How can YOU say whether he needs pictures to remember her?

Look, you seem very selfish about this whole situation. So get out of there so he can find someone who’ll be understanding and not jealous of the dead.

Why wait for tonight? Leave now. I agree with Leah, you’re being very selfish. Granted none of us are in your shoes and dont see what you see. But from where we’re looking, you’re being so unsupportive and downright rude to him.

trust me, if you ever get into a relationship like this you would understand, first you’re fine with all of it and so you wait until he gets over it. but then all the sudden jealousy is acting up but you keep your mouth shut, cuz you know how unfair you are being, but then he starts to think she’s okay with all of this so i guess i could do watever i want. you then wanna say something but avoid an argument but no matter wat you still argue. and then he still refuses cuz he thinks he has his rights to have it his way. so you just let it go but then deep deep down inside of you, you can’t stand how much he still shows that he cares. but you still keep quiet because you don’t want to argue no more. but no matter wat you still have it fight. and no matter what he still keeps her around like she’s alive. all those valentine cards and teddy bears and pictures are not from you. but you are his girlfriend.

I wouldn’t understand. If I were in a relationship like that, and I were truly in love with the guy, I would want him to be happy. If those memories make him happy, I’d deal with it. And I would know that I’m the one he wants to be with now.

i’ve been trying to deal with it since we first met. i knew about this whole thing and i dealt with it thats how we got this far. i’ve been so sweet to and soo supportive and this is what i get in return? everyone has a past but they don’t show it. i don’t wanna see her pictures when he says “i love you”.

Some people don’t feel the need to keep their past under wraps, especially if they’re not ashamed of it.

and how dare he say “why are you TRYING to erase her” i respect her i really do but all this is going a little too far. i mean if i was the one dead and she was the one in my shoes, then she would feel the same.

You don’t know that.

everyone gets a little jealous leah, and if a guy was doing something like he was doing some one is bound to say something. i was never the jealous type, and all my ex flirted in front on my face. girls and guys come and go, but if it’s your old love they stay with you forever and your new love shouldn’t have to know about how much they loved that person.

Oh, I know. I’m an extremely jealous person,

But death is different.

^I agree.

Break up with him and tell him to call you when he’s over his ex

What?! Do you have any ~idea~ what it is like to lose a loved one? If anyone were to insist I forget about Emma I would consider it the gravest insult one could give. You cannot forget a loved one who died, it doesn’t work like that. By carrying the memory, you are honouring their name. When love is taken away like that it doesn’t just disappear like a crush does. It profoundly affects your psyche and cannot simply be willed away.

I have a loving fiancée, who respects my right to hold the memories that I want to. She is not insulted or upset by it and knows I love her with everything I can give and would be happy to spend the rest of my life and beyond with her. It has never caused a conflict between us and never will.

What you are asking is… about as insulting and hurtful as one can get. Perhaps if he was pining, but he’s not. He just wants to retain his memories. You cannot, ever, ask a person to forego them. That anyone would be so incredibly selfish as to demand such a thing is quite beyond me… and then play the victim in the affair.

My suggestion would be this. Get over your self and let him have his memories the way he wants to have his memories. If you can’t get over yourself then leave him because you two aren’t right for each other. He needs a more understanding woman and you need a man that will does what he’s told.

**** right. That is what it boils down to.

how many of you have ever been in my situation? people deal with things differently, and i hope that none of you ever get into this kind of situation, i never asked for you guys to put me down or say negative things all i need is a little word of encouragement or someone to see my side, but i guess it’s easier to make me look like the bad guy cuz he lost his girlfriend and i’m just the girl who asking him to do things.

I’m judging by all your replies that you really enjoy arguing. I have a feeling you’re blowing things WAY out of proportion at home just to start a fight. You’ve argued with everyone that has tried to help you. And if you’re being this argumentative to people trying to help you, I can’t imagine how you treat your boyfriend.

We’re not trying to make you look like the bad guy, but if the shoe fits…

We’re just giving you advice.

how many of you have ever been in my situation?

Me. I’ve seen both sides of this argument. I never brought it up when I was in your situation, except when they were upset about it and needed my comfort and support in dealing with it.

My fiancée now does the same for me… because sometimes it causes me to have a mental breakdown even many years hence.

i guess it’s easier to make me look like the bad guy cuz he lost his girlfriend and i’m just the girl who asking him to do things.

Ordinarily I comment against the grain, if only to provide a balanced perspective to the thread. In this case though, it’s incredibly clear what the problem is:

You do not respect him enough.

You want help, here’s my advice: You need to back off or let him find someone else.

It might not be the help you crave but it’s the truth and, as such, is the best advice I can give.

I aggree with the women he’s not ready for you yet. It’s obvious he really loved her. Maybe you should just be his friend untill he is ready. In the end im sure you have a pretty idea of what you will do. You must care about him somewhat to be arrguing with him and not just leaving him. Same applies to him as well. Thats what I think.