How brave, and yet how cowardly of you.
To be such a maryter. The holiest of men and women have been maryters… it served them well. But is it really what you want? for people to know you as a martyer… oh she suffered so much at the end… she was so strong. Perhaps that is exactly what you want… and really that is not such a bad thing.
You know they say, when you give you will get back a thousand fold. So you have given all your life..and now when the Universe is trying it’s best to work the way the Universe wants to work… you are fighting it. How many things do you NEED to FIGHT at the same time?!!! Love and you will be loved… that’s all there is to it. Accept their prayers… accept their love… it might do wonders for you.
We are born alone… and we will walk into the light alone… but the journey between the two points never has to be lonely.
Bright blessings~
Richard
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wow… I can’t believe my typo… “martyr” I don’t know what the heck a maryter is.
you are a person who was always strong it seems .. now that you are not the strong one.. you feel weak.. you dont feel as strong as you once were… but you have to understand that you were there for you friends.. now let them be there for you. if you want them to continue treating you like they were.. then tell them how you feel. let them know that even though you are fighting this pain.. you are still the same person.. tell them you dont want pity.. however.. if you were the friend to them.. allow them to be that same friend back.. thats what friends… or should i say.. true friends are… good luck hun.. HUGS..
I’m the same.
But be honest, wouldn’t it hurt you of a friend you wanted to help just shut the door in your face? Turn it around.
Don’t be scared to be seen of as weak. We all are weak sometimes. You should be happy that you have friends who are willing to help you and be there for you in this time. Most hard people find out that when they are weak, no ones there to help.
Good luck and let your friends be your friends.
I am going to assume the big C stands for cancer. But it does not really matter what it stands for. You have always been the strong one and now that you are week you do not want people to see you. Too associate this with the strong you. You fear the “She was so strong until that sickness…” comments. You know, for people like you and I that is a very hard thing to get over. I have been there. I have been hospitalized for several weeks at a time. I have had people come in and feel sorry for me and try to be sympathetic. I just kept dropping the SYM off the word… We who help the way I believe you and I both do have a hard time accepting help in return. That is wrong… I can accept help. We have a hard time accepting pity. I never give it and don’t want it. There is nothing you can do about them and you are not wrong for seeking alone time. Some really do want to be useful to you. Others just want to be kind, and as nice as that is, it is kind of useless the way they go about it. You want to find out which are which? Have fun with it. Every time you hear someone say, “Is there anything I can do?”, give them something to do. If they do it then they are the real deal and should be very respected for it. I have found that most of them just want to put in a little lip service. Those will stop coming to bug you until you invite them. The funny thing is they will not even see it as rude! They will think they are the rude ones for not doing what ever it was you asked. Congrats… This is the longest reply I have ever written.
Richard thank you again this place never lets me down . I read my message again and your response and somehow in reading I could hear Xeno going wahhhhhhhh in the background J I am guilty of using this place again for sound off in my mind to feel justified for my actions . I have always fought alone but always encouraged my friends not to . I just pushed everyone away hard and expected them to say ok leave her alone let her deal . Even the most persistent of my friends has now stop calling. But is always there to answer when I call him. I guess I’m angry I ‘ve spent my whole life thinking that I just wanted it to be over . I wanted to die . I do well for a while . I give others fighting advice but when someone tells you that you may die it totally changes you. You feel angry .
Your absolutely right Richard and I’ve never seen it before I am acting like a martyr. I never saw it that way. I always felt good being able to help someone . Using my fights and wins and losses as a cure for there problems . I always tell people to turn that almighty power and apply it to themselves but I’m not setting a good example am I ?
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No you are not. You brought dis-ease into your life… with saying you wanted to die… now you wont accept the prayers for your well being (which is all loving support really is) so your death wish can be fulfilled. Even though you gave soooo much and are DUE sooooo much more! You are really confusing the Universe here. The question is, Is your martyrdom for the right reason? Only you know that… perhaps it is… and I’ll love you all the more for it. But if it is not… “LUCYYYYYY… you got some ’splain’ ta do!” :)
truly with all my love and bright blessings~
Richard
All I can offer you is big cyber hugs. My god-mother is fighting a losing battle herself with breast cancer. I try not to treat her too differently.
You’re in my thoughts today. Hugs.
Well… if you were hoping to die for most of your life… who are you angry at? Aren’t you getting what you have been putting your thoughts into? See how powerful you are! And you can turn it around. It’s been done many times before. Helping others is quite alright as long as you also know how to take care of yourself. How about starting to treat yourself as well as you would treat a good friend.
If you are not doing that then, you are being self-destructive. Try a little “selfishness” for a while and see how it feels.
Yeah… try being as good to yourself as you would to… your plants, your pets, your children, your husband, your friends. I’ll bet they are all doing well thanks to the good energy that you put into them! See how great you are? Now try using that power on yourself for a while.
I sincerely hope you feel better soon. :)
Ok so I took a long drive went to my favorite spot on a lake and walked around for a while to think….like xbox suggested and thought about everything people have said to me . I think I confused people when I talked about the fact that I wanted to die all my life. Let me give you a little quick background my father committed suicide when I was 5 . He was very young only 15 when I was born. I think I began a love affair with the thought of suicide like it was an escape like my dad left me the answer like when everything went wrong and I got scared it was always there in the back of my mind well you can always do this….be like your dad…I struggled with it for years wondering why he left me why he made that choice above all others. I have fought a battle with being bipolar. I lived a crazy life left everything and everyone I knew behind and just traveled around the us with the clothes on my back trying to find the true meaning of life . I learned a lot learned that there were no easy answers my mom got in my face and yelled and said WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT KILLING YOURSELF WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME. I never said it again like something snapped inside and I wanted to live. I got married found the love of my life could not ask for anything more. I tried to make up for all my wrong doings by helping anyone I ever encountered and tried to be the best friend I could. Then I found out I was sick. I felt like I was being punished why would it happen now. I pushed everyone away. I ‘ve always fought my own battles. Lived by that rule if u make your bed ..ya know what I’m saying.
I guess all of you are right I never wanted anyone to see the weak side of me. I wanted to spare the people around me the pain of seeing me go through all of this the treatments the side effects of the treatments. But upon someone asking me if one of my friends closed the door in my face how would I feel. I would like to say I would be grown up and walk away and they would come to me when they were ready but the truth is I don’t think I would I think it would hurt me. My friends are important to me and if I continue to push them away I will end up alone. And I do not want to do that. So I’m back to where I started I guess for my sake and theirs I should let them be there for me . Maybe it will let them return the favor of me helping them . But where to start… I guess a few phone calls is a place. Thanks for your help everyone I always very much appreciate your views. It means a lot for someone to listen for a few minutes now if I can only do it outside of the safety zone of my computer….
And yes xbox I feel a little better now Thank you
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goodluck.. i know this may be a hard choice in yourlife.. but you will feel better once you have the support of your friends… thats why they are your friends.. they love you for you… not your condition.. hugs hun.
Nee, friends feel awkward also. They don’t know how to handle the situation. They don’t know what to say! They want to be helpful and supportive, but it is a very difficult situation…My best piece of advise, be cheerful and happy with your friends and family. A good cheerful attitude helps fight off the cancer. That is easy for me to say, but I really believe your faith and your attitude goes a long ways in beating the big C….Have you checked with Cancer Institute of America…not sure that is the right name, but close…They approach it differently than other places…it might be worth your time to contact them..
Will keep you in my prayers Nee!
Have a great day my friend!
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I am sorry if I say something that echoes the words of the other posts. You know, I have had to watch my mother in law waste away recently very quickly. We thought she was recovering well after the surgury to remove the brain tumor and she turned much worse. That reall is not the point of what I am trying to say. She was always the strong one and that did not change right to the end. She never wanted to have people act any differently than they ever did. The problem is that we needed to be there for her more than she needed us to be there for her. Ask yourself why you always wanted to be the strong one and why you always wanted to help other people and let them “lean” on you. That “need to be needed” may be stronger in some than it is in others but it is in all of us and when people we care about are “down and out” in some way (physically, mentally, financially) ESPECIALLY when it is someone that has always been the strong one, the supportive one, The one that is always there for everyone.. that is when it wells up in us and we want so badly to repay it a little and be the one to help them. I didnt need to help my mother in law because she was helpless (even though at times she was) or because she wanted the help, I needed to help her and be there for her because there was a need in me that I could not resist and I NEEDED to be there for her to satisfy my own need for balance. I have been a dad most all of my adult life and now that the kids are gone I understand even more what it is like to NEED to be needed and feel like no one needs you any more. As hard as it may be for you to accept, maybe you should allow the ones that love you to achieve thier own sence of balance by being there for you and helping in any way they can. Maybe sometimes even letting them do dome things that you are perfectly capable of doing. Your true friends and loved ones are not treating you differently, they are just expresing thier feelings for you in a new way. This is a new way for you to be there for them…… I hope that came out the way it was in my head.
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it seems to me that you just want some peace and quiet and to only talk to the onse that you know wont judge you or watch what they say around you i think that you are doing the right thing but every so often answer the phone and go see your friends and explain to them the way you feel and make sure that you tell them everythin without them interrupting you and i feel that you need to do what you need to do in order for you to stay happy. so dont let the bad days get you down and think about the good days also keep talking to your husband about things and just remember to keep strong and keep pludging on.
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