Love help: Is it possible to TRUELY love a child as you own if it is not yours? - Help.com

as for loving her.. you are like a big sister… although you spend time with her.. doing all the stuff that she loves.. you have to make sure you have your away time as well… this way.. you still get to have a little of both worlds.. im glad that she is in very good hands… that is truely awesome.. great big hugs..

A child is a special gift, especially in this situation. There may be a life of fun and glamour out there with guys, but maybe what should be done is meeting someone who cares for your child too at the same time. You automatically meet a good daddy and good husband in that respect if you find a man who loves your child. Look on the bright side of this instead of the poor side, because she’s going to be a light in your life.
Honestly, I have a lot of respect for you for being young and caring for a foster child. Considering she dealt with a lot in her youth, and how she could have had it a lot worse without your help, you’re her saint and best friend I bet. If she’s legally yours ,I say enjoy the time while she’s young. If she’s not legally yours and she’s actually your mum’s or anything, I would say the best fit for this is to have away time as well like the above poster just stated. Relax, enjoy your life in those regards. It doesn’t have to be a shadow world and a light world, but live your life how you want to most of all and enjoy it so. I praise you for the kindness you’ve done in playing with her, she’s probably the happiest person in the world to have you. *big hugs* :) Good luck, I’m happy you at least spent so much good time with her, you’re an incredible person.

Your post bothers me. It seems you are already building resentment towards a child who is in need of a ton of love. I only hope you can realize that. Please do everything you can for this child. Your youth can be very rewarding WITH a child, as for guys, they will come and go.

…KeraMarie… wrote:
thanks. Its hard to find people who can be understanding…i try to think of things from her perspective…She has been through soo much. I have her in play therapy (therapy for children who cant even verbalize their issues.) ..it so confusing. She was kinda just dumped in my lap. But i do think everything happens for a reason.

Everything does happen for a reason. Be the reason she get’s up in the morning and has a meal to eat and that someone who plays with her and watches out for her well being. To me there is no more an important job than that of nurturing children.

what you are doing for this little girl is an awesome thing… dont let others judge you because you are a really good person… those who judge have issues of their own that they should worry about… and having to explain what you are doing with a little toddler is none of their business..

I think with some work and practice, it could turn out very well. I’m sorry for the situation and how it’s hectic for you, but all good things in time, I can assure you. :) I know it seems tough right now, but the answer to your choice will come soon enough. Think long term and what you’d truly like. Believe me, having a significant other may not always be the thing in life, try just looking for friends and kind, supporting people to just have in life. A significant other is very nice to have, and I can say you’ll find one because all people do who truly seek one. :) You’re going to be fine, and if you’re there for her (because I’m sure she needs someone a lot. Try spending some time with her and being her little snugglebug when she’s tired even) and just love her. Children can say things in so many ways, they don’t have all of the burdens society puts on us as we get older, children are really pure and kind, and to help her and be with her is a godsend very much. i wouldn’t say that I’m pushing it upon you to take care of her, but I’m saying what would likely be in the child’s best interests. Understand a lot of good can come out of the caregiving, and you may find the rewards more worthy than any other experience in life. Give it a try and be patient, your answers will come in time. Time heals everything and does everything.

As for how other people view it, it honestly doesn’t matter. You’re going to college, you have closeness with family. That’s the envy to me. A lot of people wish they could have that. You’re likely going to have a nice, tight-knit family that’s close and very warm. It’s a good enviroment for her to be brought up in, and you may just find the saying true that there’s no place like home. :) A lot of people go away for college to escape their families, but it seems you have a good family and you can help build that even more. I wish you luck, take care, and if there’s anymore advice you need, I’m here. I understand your tough time you’re going through, it’s likely going to feel awfully funny and weird, but time will change everything for the good and you’ll realize many things in time. :)

Find some other young parents. Start shifting yourself into groups that have small children, make playdates and such and the stress of people judging you wont’t seem so bad.

i had my first child at 16, living on my own and going to high school… it was the toughest thing in the world.. and as i stuggled day to day.. watching my other friends who lived at home with their babies… going out to have fun while leaving the baby every day with who ever.. made me soo upset because of the fact that they had no responsiblitites… so i understand where you are comming from when you just want to tell them to shut up…

^^^ Be glad that your worries and cares are actually tangible compared to petty things. Think of the big picture, about human life and saving and kindness. You’re being active in the big picture, you did something in adopting that girl that many people would not. You’re aiding the world in a positive way, while others are just dwelling and sucking off of the goodness of the world in ways and being the unmoving sheep to any type of good or change. I’d say to be grateful for those things, because your life is truly lightened by the experience of taking care of another life. :)

In answer to the question… Yes it is possible to love a child as your own even when s/he is not. My best friend and his little brother are adopted and in both cases started as a foster baby. There mother adopted them because of the attachment she got from fostering them.

How are you fostering at age 19? Is this child in your mothers care and you are just helping out? This is a genuine question as I have a friend who has been turned down for fostering do to age and “lack of real world experience”.

…KeraMarie… wrote:
i also worry about her future.. like- am i feeding her the right things? Am i teaching her the right things? Does she have the right playmates? does she have the right routine?

This is always positive worry. The fact that you think about it helps you find out what the right things are. Study some parenting books that have been published recently to give you insight on healthy foods, games and more.

That’s a hard one. If you love her, then she is worth her wieght in gold, plus more. I gave away my childhood when I was very young to take care of my little sister. I’d give anything for her, so I know what you mean. You are young for a child, but you aren’t to young for a younger sister. As for the guys thinking she is yours, they will think what they want to, it doesn’t matter what you say. Try not to think about what they are thinking about you, and only think about if you are setting a good example. Be there for her, most of all. She needs you now. You are doing fine from the sound of things.

Yep, I’m petty imprest with prettypouf myself and as for you KeraMarie, you are doing a wonderful thing and when you look into that child’s eyes the love coming back at you is your answer. Yes, everything happens for a reason. There are some pretty good sites on internet giving good advice on parenting and the earlier suggestion around mothers and toddlers groups is good. And in anwser to your question, yes it is possible to love a child that is not your own.

…KeraMarie… wrote:
Sully, I live in Georgia. (I dont know why it says SC) Here the foster care system is OVER-RUN. It is failing. I work at the DFACS office (Department of Family and Child services)in my very large county. Like i said- she was literaly dumped in my lap. After working in that office- i knew i had to do something. Through my connections at the commision on human services, ect…I was able to take action. I was only suppose to have her for 3 months. It has almost been a year now. As for mom- we have joint custody. My mother is also a certified guidance counselor, which aids our situation.

can you actually go for custody of her?

Try not to worry and just enjoy her. It is good that you have your Mum helping you as well. It is really special when you can do something for someone and I know she will always love you for it.

that is horrible… being that the mother is STILL messed up on drugs and drugs.. she shouldnt have any rights.. as this is going to cause a horrible affect on this child…. that is soo wrong.. what is wrong with these people??? ooohhh.. i get so mad about laws that allow parents like this to get stuff they dont deserve… did you have a chance to read my story? www.myspace.com/missing_my_children?

i know… i would see if there is any possible way of getting full custody and until her mother gets the help that she needs.. that there be no contact whats so ever.. and if there is.. she is concidered a friend… because it is you who are the real “mom” not the one who gave birth to her..

the laws for those who abuse… are made for them.. to protect them…. and its sick… i wish there was a way that they could be changed…. because the only ones getting hurt here are the ones who really care and the children themselves.. and it sucks…

i know… i know all too well… and i hope and pray for your little girl.. she has been blessed with a great family… and my suggestions to you is to get that full custody.. i bet anything.. from the day that you got her.. she was probably scared as all hell and now… she has learned to love.. learned to play.. learned to be a child… and that is what counts… i wish you the best of luck and all the prayers that you need… lil_bit_shie(at)hotmail(dot)com is my email.. keep in touch.. would ya?

i have been fighting for 3 years for my kids.. i actually had a nys daycare license and everything.. for 8 years.. i love children and would never harm a child.. and because i myself was beaten as a child from my own parents.. i know what it is like not to have a family who loved me… the only one i had was my grandpa who accepted me for who i was.. who saved me from my parents.. and once he died when i was 12.. i got stuck in that house with those people… so that is why i say fight for her… she needs you more than you will ever know… and in more ways than she can ever express right now… as for my kids.. it has been a fight but i will never give up.. i actually have a binder in which is full of nys laws that have been broken on my part and i have a huge lawsuit if i can find a probono lawyer… and when i showed the book to the one lady that had taken my kids.. she quit her job with in days… guilt?? or fear???

yeah, they try to treat me like im dumb until i come up with new laws that i have learned about.. as for me finding a probono lawyer… i have been looking for the past 3 years.. and no luck.. i have called lawyers and they tell me that i definatley have a case.. but want 2 grand down… and i dont have that… then when my kids turn 18, they too can come back after these people… sad thing is.. i was the one who was abused.. and yet they tell me its my fault my kids are gone because i could have left at anytime.. so its my fault.. but the sad thing is.. i had to do a domestic violence course for family court.. in which they taught me that a victim can not leave when they want because of the fear and such… and when i did leave, i moved me and my kids 6 hours away.. and he still found us.. so we obviously werent safe… and they removed my kids because of the neglect charge that they placed on me for (as they say).. i allowed my beatings… and because i moved, i violated that order.. if he could find me way out there… then obviously he wasnt leaving me alone in the town in which it was placed… these people make no sense at all.. and as i said.. the laws are for those who abuse,,, because the abuser in my case has more rights than me or my children have…