Love help: Well, this is kind of complicated…but I just need to tell - Help.com

I say to stick it out and be strong, keep updated formally and frequently from him and just be there for him. You may not be able to take the place of his wife at this point, but if you show them you’re a very caring person who will be there for him, I’m absoultely sure he’ll see that light. I’m not sure how it will go, the most I can say is pray, and talk to him frequently, stay in close love with him and let him know your feelings. You realized the mistakes made by both parties last time in your last marriage, basically in all terms, try not to repeat the same mistake twice.

Thank you so much. I have committed in my heart to that…my mind just keeps objecting with negativity. I am glad to have a place to vent and get feedback.

:) Anytime! We’re all very much here for you, and I would love to see things work out for you. I’ll be sure to mention you in my thoughts for christmas eve and new year’s in my thought prayers this year. I know the feeling of men being unsure, I know it all to well being one! The only thing I can say, make sure he’s totally sure, or else, and it may be tough, but finding a friendship may be the best ground in the end. Wait until he’s ready, and if he never is, don’t spend your life upon a person who won’t care back– that’s one of the largest mistakes made which leads to divorce is people whom can’t work it out together because they’re lives just don’t co-incide so well. Find someone who’s also readily available, let him know your feelings and see his reaction. :) Good luck on your approach, good luck, and no matter what, follow your heart!

you said: I just feel very scared and hurt that he has not closed the door with her and yet is still madly in love with me.

I’m going to give you some tough advice - since it seems like you might be open to it:

It makes sense that you feel scared that he hasn’t closed the door with her - but is it really fair to expect him to close that door? She was his wife of 12 years. You can’t expect him to just put that behind him. It isn’t like she’s some woman he dated a few times in a past life. In this instance, it might be healthier for him to stay connected with her in some ways, and better for you to let him have that connection. People need to come to terms with their past, and he might not be able to do that by shutting her out. It might take years(!) for him to recover from the end of his marriage. If you are brave and help him feel okay about understanding what she meant to him, you might even feel less guilty. Remember: He loves you, and he divorced her. He is never going to go back.

Anonymous wrote:
you said: I just feel very scared and hurt that he has not closed the door with her and yet is still madly in love with me.

I’m going to give you some tough advice - since it seems like you might be open to it:

It makes sense that you feel scared that he hasn’t closed the door with her - but is it really fair to expect him to close that door? She was his wife of 12 years. You can’t expect him to just put that behind him. It isn’t like she’s some woman he dated a few times in a past life. In this instance, it might be healthier for him to stay connected with her in some ways, and better for you to let him have that connection. People need to come to terms with their past, and he might not be able to do that by shutting her out. It might take years(!) for him to recover from the end of his marriage. If you are brave and help him feel okay about understanding what she meant to him, you might even feel less guilty. Remember: He loves you, and he divorced her. He is never going to go back.

Anonymous has a good point. If there’s no reason to suspect any place between them, then you’re in good water. :) I wouldn’t worry in that share.

I guess I wasn’t clear. They are separated but not divorced… even so I think your advice fits. If I wasn’t so insecure I think I would be less scared lol

Wow, they’re not divorced yet? :( Hmmmm, what’s their interaction more? I kind of think if he’s not divorcing her after such a time, and he’s not willing to, that might be a large problem. Let him know your feelings for him and that you care about him and want to marry him, see how he reacts from it. If he’s not willing to work it out and wants to stay married to her, his baggage seems to be a little bit much for _anyone_ to handle honestly.

Well, he has been separated since July. Not to terribly long and I understand his need to be sure and be clear not just about his wife or me, but about himself. I just sort of feel like I have to choose to either completely cut things off with him (we tried just being friends) OR wait on him to figure himself out. bleh

oh the interaction with the wife consists of them talking on the phone twice a week. I think he is just a big scaredy cat and doesnt want to do the wrong thing…which I guess I understand

Totally understandable. I wouldn’t force him into anything, but just be patient for now and see how it goes. :) Men are tough in making their decisions, they don’t want to make choices, they’d rather live in moments and not think of the future. Maybe it’s easier that way, but for now, I would say to keep the future in mind with goals, but each at a time to better yourself. :) Consider it a spiritual experience, and remember that no matter where you go in life, there’s good all around. :) You can make the best out of any situation, and this could certainly prove to be a teaching of that. :) Life’s simple pleasures are life’s greatest. :)

Ah - I misread your statement. Well, yes, that doesn’t change my advice.

I disagree with prettypouf about the marriage idea. That’s much too much, I think. But, no question, after five months it’s time for him to tell her about you. That’s not a decision about whether he wants to marry you - that’s part of a decision about whether he truly wants to separate from her. And it’s time for him to start making that decision. At even four months, I wouldn’t have said this. But at 5-6 months, I feel differently. If he doesn’t let her know about you, it’s going to start causing real problems for your relationship with him b/c he IS deceiving her and that does affect you. It made sense for him to keep his relationship with you private for a while, but not anymore. I know you want to give him his space, but it’s time. Anyway, hopefully the holidays and valentine’s day will give things a shove in the right direction :)

I strongly suggest you get your therapist’s view on this point.

Hey prettypouf - You’ve got at least one man for an audience. And this man begs to differ about our ability to make decisions.

Thank you both…

I feel both so blessed to have had an opportunity to spend time with this man (no matter how it turns out) and yet I am totally getting antsy about it haha

I just want him to be happy… be happy with her… be happy with me or hell he can even just be happy by himself! :)

ps I can’t get over this site… its great! I am addicted already

Of course, you do know him best. And I am speaking from a distance. In your case, he could need time. But I think you need to play both sides: support his continued connection to her, but make it clear he needs to start deciding what team he’s on. And allow him to break it to her slowly.

Glad to be of service. I hope you and he find your way and continue in your happiness. Now, I need to get back to cleaning my apartment.

I honestly do agree with anonymous, it seems like it’s been a long time he hasn’t told her, but at the same time, there’s a median of pushing and not pushing and letting him go and do things. I think if he’s not doing anything so rash and if he o longer has feelings for her though, that changes the idea around and gives him a little room to have a friendship with her. I would ask him, just kindly, if you could meet her even or get to know her. See how his stance is on that. From all acounts, he does need to get things into gear though and work with you towards your life together. Things will get better in time, don’t worry, but try helping him solve his problems, and if he doesn’t seem to be a person who’s going to be more strong in his decisions, it may be better in the end to walk away.

I don’t judge you. Everyone deserves to be in love, to be loved, and to give it. However, being in love doesn’t keep you in love. Marriage is the hardest commitment a person will ever have. My husband recently cheated on me, why? Because he said that he felt disconnected to me and that we haven’t been happy for a while. Problem with these kind of situations, is that no one really knows what an affair means or what is actually wrong in the marriage, or who is at fault. The answer I think is that the affair is symbolic, the marriage is very fixable, but BOTH have to try.One thing I can tell you from going to counseling with my husband is that we were both at fault in our marriage. Now should he have gone out side our marriage? Definitely not. It doesn’t fix the problem, it only creates a whole new level of problems for that marriage. Our problems were not soley caused by me (the wife), they were caused by us. Him too. No one is perfect and when you start talking about mortgages, who is picking up kids, my husband travels a lot and is a hard worker. Somewhere along the way he figured his wife and kids could go on auto-pilot without him. That was his mistake, because we had to and became an outsider to his own family, his own kids. My fault is I let it happen. I should have fought for him. And he should have fought for us. The only thing, advice I can offer, is you need to find out why it doesn’t work for them and honestly why he is still hanging on. Chances are their marriage is not that horrible and is that fixable. Your other question is will it really be any different if he was with you. Right now you are not sharing the mundane everyday problems of bills, schedules and kids(if they have some-something you want to consider). If he has kids, they are and always will be connected. People feel and give love in different ways. It could very well be that his needs were not being met because he wasn’t getting love in a way that he needed; in turn, he may not have been giving his wife love in the way she needed either. This is what happened with my husband and I. I need quality time, my husband needs constant approval. My husband kept giving me what he thought I needed and did not listen to what I really needed. In turn, I criticized his lack of trying. My husband finally opened up about what the affair was: an escape from reality. He still had very strong feelings about the other woman, but she was a symbol of what he still wanted, of what we had once. I am in no way trying to diminish you, but you have wonder what you are to him. What will happen with the fantasy becomes reality, then what? There is also the trust issue. Will you be able to trust him if things aren’t exactly perfect with your relationship? The other thing, her letting him go is really the only way he will leave her. My husband said that he didn’t want to leave me and that me fighting for him superseded any amount of desire he had to be with the other woman. Please don’t think that my comments are only from the side of the wife. I had once went out with a man a few times(said he was divorced-he could have lied) but he had kids with his wife and he was still very upset about the whole thing. Rule 1: if he still has emotions (anger, sadness, if he is torn or lingering toward his wife) he probably still loves her. Rule 2: if there are kids, extended family (both sides) = a stable environment will call to him. Rule 3: Only if a man is divorced (not separated), then and only then is he available. As women, we have to be smarter than that. Men don’t always think rationally or think about the future. When I asked my husband how was he going to deal with his family, our friends, the kids, etc. if we divorced over this. He hadn’t thought about it all, not really. He would have to start a whole new life, his family would have been gracious but poor girl would have been an outsider forever. (His mom however would not have be so nice, she is hugely disappointed with him and probably would have never accepted her-she is a little resentment-holding). My husband was going to see his friends outside of their families . Some of my best friends are my husband’s friends wives, they know our situation, and would have rejected her (they have kids too-sorry, but truth is…women who are close, especially women with kids stick together). Again, a strain in their relationship that he would not have even considered. And for us, our children’s birthday parties, holidays, special occasions. More strain on their relationship. I don’t think you are a bad person, I think you have found yourself in a bad situation. I know you will find happiness, but how can two people find happiness in this situation without leaving destruction behind? And do you really want to be with someone who could do that? Good luck!