man help: Why do women put up with so much from men? - Help.com

i think it is definately down to low self esteem, ive been there, why else would they stay? I think if everybody had high self esteem the world would be a much happier place,

Speaking as a man, I could ask you the same questions regarding women. I will, however answer your question about going back after being mistreated. This applies to both sexes. Nobody ever wants a relationship to end so we give another chance to be sure that all hope is not lost. It really has nothing to do with low self esteem. If you’re in a bad relationship which you repeatedly go back to, THEN you may have a self esteem issue.

The fear of regret from not giving the relationship everything I could. For me it had nothing to to with low self esteem. It was more pride then anything but at some point in my life I learned to cut my losses and move on.

Well said, Naska. This proves self-esteem or lack there of has nothing to do with it.

thats what i was talking about hotdog, why stay in a relationship thats poop, yeah i understand trying to make it work but if ur really unhappy in the relationship… why would u stay? If ur being mistreated?

I think people get used to being treated a certain way and don’t realize it - whether they are a man or a woman. I think in some cases some people don’t wish to see that they are being abused emotionally or otherwise and only look back see the good in the one they love. They convince themselves they can’t live without that person and put him/her up on a pedestal - tune out the bad stuff that is always just lying underneath it all. As I have gotten older once I realize when I am becoming a victim to bad relationship. I honestly try to pull myself away a.s.a.p. before I get used to living with hurt.

Oops! ( all one sentence) *”As I have gotten older once I realize when I am becoming a victim to bad relationship I honestly try to pull myself away a.s.a.p. before I get used to living with hurt.”

yeah and i think its all down to having bashed around self esteem, i have been there, i was so unhappy in my relationship but stayed with it, then one day i jus snapped and that was it, id had enough, and my confidence and self esteem soared.

I think that we all have various levels of crap that we can put up with, what you can handle may be different from what another person can handle…or wants to deal with. I have heard stories about what another man or woman did and say “I wouldn’t put up with that crap”, but it may not be that big of a deal for thier partner. I think that it all depends on who we are and what we are willing to deal with, of course there are those things that no one should put up with, and I think that those are clear.

when u have a low self esteem or u think that if i lose the person i got now there wud be no hope for me in the future so both men and women sacrafice their lives to feel in place with the society

well even though people dont have low self esteem they feel that maybe their spouse is the best looking and many other people are attracted to them so they just stay with that person so that they can have some sense of pride and so that every one else can envy them

The issue is more complicated than low self esteem. There are all sorts of other factors at work. People may prefer certain types of men subconsciously, because of familiarity. Like say a man is dependent on women because of his relationship with his mother, so he feels most comfortable with someone with qualities like his mother. For women it is the same way, given their own experiences.

Also, when a person attempts to break up with you, you will have a temporary incease of “love.” Basically, the breaking up process is followed with this feeling, which is why some people say they are still in love with someone after they break up.. because technically they are. But obviously the feeling doesn’t persists or isn’t very strong while in a stable relationship for some. Some people are addicted to the feeling of love from breaking up.

There are other things.. You know there are tons of books on modern psychology on this stuff…. I don’t feel like getting into it. Some of the theories don’t are obviously connected and etc.

ggjet, that is low self esteem, if u cannot bear to finish with someone because they are sooo good looking, that is low self esteem, sacrificing your own happniess just to be swith someone good looking.

i totally inderstand what u mean but some people dont have low selfesteem but they like the attention they get when their with their spouse.

Human beings subconsciously evaluate social status with appearances, even people with high self esteem will be wary of dating someone that is completely out of their attractiveness level. They have done plenty of studies on this.

I am the same way. My interest in psychology is mostly because I have a strong desire to not be like other people around me. I grew up with a strong moral code that was completely disconnected from conventional values.. or rather what or whom screamed the loudest.

Knowledge is power.. Or so I once incompletely thought.

It has been shown that awareness of subconscious processes doesn’t help most people change their behaviors…. But the keyword is most. And I always remember the saying about the rock and drops of water. “Even drops of water can drill a hole in a rock within a thousand years.”

Sherry, who are you to deem someone has low self esteem because they choose to stay with a relationship? There are many types of abuse ranging from physical violence to mental abuse. Speaking for myself, I was in a bad relationship but before I let it go (along with all I put into it), I had to give it another chance. Trust me, I didn’t have low self-esteem! Let me clue you in…I’m still in this relationship and we’ve been happy for 7 years.

sherryn wrote:
If you didnt have low self esteem why would you put up with someone treating you so badly though?

As I look back on my life I regret only the things I didn’t do, not the things I did. Low self esteem had nothing to do with why I stayed in the bad relationships that I did. If anything, it was due to high self esteem that I felt that I could handle the situation and still have a good outcome.

sherryn wrote:
Im just curious as to why somebody would allow somebody else to treat them badly. Also why would somebody treat somebody else badly if they are supposed to love them?? Nothere12 I totally agree with you about being attracted to the familiar, but I have never before heard it described so well.

Sherr— I can certainly understand why you’re puzzled about relationships…most people are. I’ve tried to explain that not everyone wants to just give up a relationship based on abuse. If somebody beat me or if I felt there was no hope in saving my relationship, yes; I’d have to cut my losses and move on. Not ALL relationships can thrive. It really depends on the individual’s situation. I also believe you’ll find the man of your dreams by treating him the same way you’d like to be treated.

but that is what we were talking about, we mean, when someone is being mistreated, why do they stay? Obviously absue is not always the reason.

Janey:

I believe if you reread all the posts a little more carefully, you will find that your question has been answered many times. Sometimes, love can orerride socialology.

i totally agree with u, I was explaining that we were on about abusive relationships in particular, that is all.

There is a bit of a misconception here. Not all men treat women in a poor or disrespectful manner. There is a line that a man draws towards how he treats a woman. When he feels violated or crossed, men tend to respond aggressively.

check out this link -

http://ezinearticles.com/?Men-are-Fro…

This book pegged the relationshiop between my wife and myself so accurately it was hillarious.

Read this book - It should answer your question and more

I know not all men do, my fella is amazing, I just mean, when its consistently bad, no matter how nice ur to them.

Janeywaney wrote:
I know not all men do, my fella is amazing, I just mean, when its consistently bad, no matter how nice ur to them.

jANEY—To ngeneralize an entire species such as you and sherryn have done is wrong. By doing so, you’ve4 left out the guys out there (such as ALLEN and myself) who know how to treat our partners in the fashion that is only befitting. I’m glad you have this guy in your life that’s so “amazing”. Are you gonna say he has no self esteem because he’s still with you? BTW–Have you noticed you’re fighting this issue by yourself…gee, where’s sherryn? If you really wanted answers from people who are currently in an abusive relationship AND have low self esteem, this shoukd have been noted earlier in the post.

Because this was never stated, posts have been made which explain various reasons for staying in a less-than-perfect relationship….in case you still haven’t figured it out..LOVE is the answer.

Despite that, I still wish you all the best in 2008.

ur just being absolutely ridiculous now, in the first place, it was simply about women who are treated extremely badly by their partners, i.e, mental, physical abuse and why they stay with them. I was not generalizing anyone, i understand that everyone is different and its not always the same situation with everyone which is why I was only talking about those specific instances. Please explain to me how I am generalizing because I do not see how I am. I understand that ‘LOVE’ is the reason people stay in a relationship but also, if you u are happy in yourself and have high self esteem, no matter how much u love someone, if they are beating you or mentally abusing u, ur gunna leave, obviously love is always a factor but sometimes no matter how muc you love someone you are going to leave, i was in an abusive relationship and loved my boyfriend to death but i left for my own mental health. may not be every situation but it is what i have seen in general.

Just how long did it take you to throw away everything in your reolationship before you left nyour former boyfriend…and if you didn’t immediately leave him…what reason did you stay. BTW–I do not think it’s right for you to call me “ridulous”. I have not made lables for you (although I have afew but out of respect, I don’t use them).

… Keep the peace.

hotdog, get a life, i said ‘your being ridiculous’ not that u actually were a ridiculous human being, I didnt ‘throw’ my relationship away, i broke up with him for my own mental health as i was being treated very badly and there was no longer anything good in the relationship. Do you really think I should have stayed with him?? If anybody has been rude during this post it is u.

Oh and i was with him for three years by the way, and i guess i stayed with him because, a. yes, i loved him, b. i did not like myself very much. I would be interested to hear what these labels you had for me are aswell hotdog, shout me whenever u like.

Ya know something, I am the ONLY person that you’ve been harrassing. I will not stoop to your level any further. PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

If you continue this, I will report your behavior so I repeat…Leave me alone. Trust me, you will most definitely NOT hear from me in any fashion…I’m above that.

If you are in a relationship where you or the other person end up worse, be it mentaly or physically, then it should end, no excuses of “but I love him/her” no amount of love is worth your heart dieing and someone who loves you the same back would not torture you enough to loose the person you used to be.
Some people take a little longer to realise this and will cling onto the relationship with the false dreams that it will al change and all get better, but the reality is to change the way the relationship is you need to change either yourself or that person and that is impossible. Also some people will bring the worst in yourself out into the open and you have to face facts that some people are just not meant to be together.
You can’t fix something that was not broken, if a relationship starts off well and then falls, maybe by slim chance you can get it back but if you start a relationship and it has always beein this way , well it was always doomed.

I could say exactly the same!

in my own past.. i found that the mental abuse that i suffered from my ex husband.. not to mention growing up with it from my own parents… it lowered my self esteem.. causing me to believe everything that i was told or called… eventually i started to grow a back bone but was never strong enough to believe the good things about myself.. now at the age of 33… i have come to learn that if im disrespected… im walking.. i dont and wont put up with it anymore…

As you invited me to this post hotdog321, I’ll give you some feedback. As far as I can see here, there is no disagreement at all between the posters here. You all agree that in a relationship, some things cannot be tolerated. You all agree that you cannot have a good relationship if you don’t give it all, or break it off at the first sign of trouble. You also agree that some relationships are not meant to be. As for the reasons why people stay in a relationship, I think you disagree only a little: sherryn and janeywaney think one of the reasons women (or men in similar circumstances) stay in an abusive relationship is a low self-esteem, as well as love for the spouse. Hotdog thinks sticking with a relationship, even one with big troubles, can actually be a sign of strength, if you can change the relationship for the better. That’s not a disagreement: you are talking about different circumstances. As lazydazy says, there are relationships doomed from the start and relationships that can be changed for the better. We cannot judge for another what the situation is, especially not without knowing the whole story.

Then there is also the point that you, hotdog321, feel hurt by what janeywaney (and sherryn?) said. As far as I can tell from reading the replies, it was absolutely unintentional from her side. The phrase ‘ur just being absolutely ridiculous now’ is certainly not the most tactful one ever posted here, but it’s not meant to say you as a person are ridiculous. It’s only directed at your reply. Sure, it’s not very sensitive to call what someone has just said ridiculous, but it’s not a personal insult either, at least it was not meant to be one. Your reaction to that was not very sensitive either, hotdog321, as you were jumping to conclusions that were later proven wrong. I think the both of you ran into the trap of miscommunication here, because of very different experiences. You are both obviously very much involved in this issue emotionally and that usually means that it’s easy to feel hurt. But you have to keep in mind here that there is not one absolute truth here. For janeywaney, coming from her personal experiences, it’s an absolute truth that at some point it can be liberating and strengthening to walk away from a bad relationship and move on. For hotdog321, coming from his/her own experiences, it’s an absolute truth that sticking with a relationship gone bad and changing it for the better can be a strengthening experience and lead to a happy relationship. You are both right, of course: the one doesn’t make the other less true.

Fine-apparently, a person whom disagress with someone else is entiled to mke remarks such as “you’re being rediculous and “get a life” are acceptable remarks. I was always taught that no matter how much you disagree with someone, you never start slinging accusationa. I defy anyone to fid even ONE accusation I made towards Janeywany. You won’t because I have respect.

Janeywaney, I’ve honestly tried to make a point that you have blatently refuse to acknowledge. Honestly, I’m done with it. I have a life and therefore, I’m over this. If you’d like to continue carrying on, go for it but leave me alone. Sherryn(who started this post) has dropped the issue…need I say more?

hotdog321 wrote:
Just how long did it take you to throw away everything in your reolationship before you left nyour former boyfriend….

could be stated as an accusation. I agree the first isn’t exactly the way we want to deal with each other here on this forum, but neither is your quote here.

I only replied because you invited me, so ignore what I said or disagree all you want.

gammera wrote:
I found all this very informative, I googled this because I was really confused about why I was staying with someone who mentally treated me bad. Let me add he has been married 3 times and also had a live in girlfriend. I was also a live in girlfriend. This is 5 serious failed relationships he has no had and he just don’t seem to think anyhting is wrong with him. All his failed relationships were all his X’s (of course). Shame on me for even falling for someone with a history as his. Have you know I am 50 years old and left my husband of 30 years for this guy. I was neglected by my husband and fell right into this guys hands. Yes the good was so good and that is why I stayed. I constantly tried to forget about the bad. But you can’t because it always seems to resurface. We had so much fun and so much in common. But as the 4 years went by I soon seen a completely different person. And that was not the person I fell in love with. I could see myself changing and taking everything he dished out. Shame on me again, I know better. Even though I love him with all my heart, the whole relationship is wrong and I cannot ever see him change. Actually I am moving out this weekend. Have to say this is a very, very hard because of the love but I know I have to do this and stay with my decision.

as for those who act this way.. they are very very good at manipulating others.. to get what they want.. and once they have it.. their true selves come out.. as for changing them.. no matter how hard we try to show them what they are doing is wrong.. in their eyes.. they will never see it. and out of my own past history.. the only one that changes are us.. who have fallen into this situation.. trying to make things seem better.. in reality.. we have lowered ourselves… becoming someone that we are not… as for you moving out.. that is the greatest thing that you could ever do for yourself. and as i will say again… love does not hurt… physicaly or emotionally.. if it does… where is the real love??

we do it because we have bad judge of carachetr we think they will change and also because we are afriad of being alone mostly be cause we are naive tho

men do it because basically for the same reasons

also because of boredom and not knowing what will happen without that partner

Fear,plain and simple.