I am angry…
…WITH MYSELF!!
So, I had a crush on this friend of mine for absolute ages. And he got cancer about a year and a half ago. And I told him I liked him on November 7th, 2006 (I remember it, not only because it was a horribly horrible day, but because I saw a movie with my friends afterward.) And we wrote to each other for about 11 months. And I got to really KNOW about him. And he was like my very best friend ever. And I couldn’t stop loving him. And I cried alot. And I was happy everytime I got a letter from him. And he remembered my birthday, August 27, and I cried. And I told him I missed him. And he said “miss you too.” And that one missing word made all the difference to me. And I wrote to him one last time. And I told him that I loved him and that I couldn’t keep writing to him, because of my stupid feelings. And I broke my own heart, doing that. And I saw him a few weeks after I sent it. And he didn’t saw anything about it. And he hugged me twice (I’m not too crazy about touching either.) And I think I still love him. And I’m going to see him in January. And I REALLY don’t want to.
Right now, I’m feeling incredibly lonely. I stupidly pushed away the only person who understood me. I don’t understand myself half of the time, but he seemed so…I don’t know…connected to me. I did it to save myself, but my self is furious right now. He was SOOOO sweet and understanding, and he made my soul happy in a way I don’t even understand. But now he’s “gone and I’m haunted” (taking that little bit from “Almost Lover” by A Fine Frenzy) I wish I still had him. He never really was MINE, but we shared something special. My parents think I’m silly, carrying on like this over a boy at the young and “changing” age of 16, but they don’t get me. I don’t get me. Nobody gets me…except him. I would read his letters, which are in a box on my dresser, but it hurts too much. I’ve tried. I keep trying. But each time I open the box, I smell him–not his colonge or anything like that. Just his essence, I guess.
I am mad at myself, because I am lonely and it’s all my fault!!
This open post was written 1 year, 11 months ago | V/U/S: 250, 6, 5 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Subscribe to Replies | Report Post
Reciprocity (0) 
Since writing this post AlmostLuver may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. AlmostLuver is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 12 months and has 25 posts and 890 replies to their name.
Replies (6)
Where were you?
You can also watch events on Help.com as they happen — Disable Post Maps or Hide Yourself
loserkylene10
AlmostLuver invited 1 user to read this post 1 year, 11 months ago.
popzz
i love Tigger!!!!!!!
Invite Others to Help
Don't know the answer to this post, but know someone who might? Invite them to reply!
- We send them a link to this post with your message and a post excerpt
- We will NEVER use their email for anything else
- Your invitation message is confidential
- When your friend visits from the email, you'll be automatically joined on your Friends lists!
- We still forward a link for your post to the post author and any repliers, just like if you had replied to the post yourself.