It’s amazing that you and your wife are working things out. It’s not often that, that happens, from what I’ve seen and experienced.
Is marriage counseling an option for you two? I’m an advocate, because sometimes it’s hard to express without mediation when there’s pain and hurt and healing happening all at once.
I don’t know if she was completely lying for years. I know when I look back at some relationships I’ve had in the past, there were moments of happiness and sadness, and being unhappy with my ex’s I think I have a tenancy to focus more on the negative than the positive.
A good marriage, a happy marriage, a healthy marriage—is a life long commitment to grow, develop and communicate with your partner. You might slip and it might feel like the most hopeless fight, but really, it’s not—if you’re willing (which you appear to be) then you’ll make it to common ground with your wife and be able to understand each other with greater ease.
Wow.
Thats quite the ordeal and a testament to the times we are living in.
First off i must say that you are a better man than I, I dont think i would have been able to swallow my pride and accept her back into my life, although that was probably the best thing that you could do for your family.
Have you thought about seeking some marriage counseling from a trained professional who deals with these types of issues. That would probably be beneficial to both of you. It may also be wise to seek individual counseling (possibly for both of you as well) for a short term just to discuss the feelings you have in a safe and comfortable environment.If you let these things fester they can cloud your judgement even more, ie; your paranoia over her contact with other men.
Also, because of the underlying stress and unresolved issues it can create a thick tension in the home which sub consciously may affect your child. Kids pick up on things that we think they dont, and having a depressed parent is something that children can sense quite easily and causes them undo stress as well.
All in all I’d say knowing that something isnt right is a huge step in the right direction…. now just take the next step and open up the communication with both your wife and yourself.And sir, although you dont want to add to her guilt in this matter, I’m afraid she is the guilty party. You cannot and should not be expected to carry that extra weight.Your duty as a husband only extends so far, this is a demon that she must conquer in her own time.
it is the worst betrayal when your partner, falls in love with someone else or even considers it, it makes you feel unworthy and that you werent good enough for them to give their love to you. but you took your wife back and in return she came back to you which says there is still love there. the first time your marridge broke down was due to there being no communication between the two of you. it seems that this is the case again. talk to each other let the other talk about how they are feeling without any interuptions. also talk about what made you fall in love with one another, and what are your positive points. if you both are truly in love then you will work things out. sometimes people get so used to living their lives the same old way that its hard for them to see the woods through the trees. dont get stuck in a rut, show your wife why you chose her to spent the rest of your life with and relight that first passion you felt for one another. and if in the end it dosent work out at least you can say you tried with all your heart. remember life moves on and maybe in the future you will meet your equal if your wife isnt the one for you.
Anonymous
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7 months, 1 week ago (33 minutes after post)
You’ve expressed yourself very well here, so I can only hope that you can do the same with your wife. OK… so let’s take a look at this. To “boil it down”, you have a trust issue, your wife has a intimacy issue, and you both have a communication issue. I’m curious if you either one or both of you have talked to a counselor. I personally think couple counseling at this point is clearly advised. But, pushing forward, in a certain light you two are perfect for each other in terms of growth. First you must understand that within you lay the ability for all good and bad (the same is true for your wife). So, what you see as bad traits in your wife… you also have them. If fact you have them so deep inside you, you may be projecting onto her (without knowing it) and they are bad traits simply because you despise them the most. You are in need of affection, she cannot give it, so you project a great lacking on her behalf. It has been written that we attract to ourself the mate that will help us grow the most. You need to learn to trust, and not be so needy of affection. By your own admission this is an effect of not having the affection of a family. She obviously needs to learn a little about affection and how to deal with it in a healthy loving way. If you work together… communicate, you can both grow together instead of apart.
Bright blessings ~ Richard
http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/hrp/I…
Also, she very well may want unconditional love. She fell “in love” with someone that had never even met her because he was able to “love” her WITHOUT meeting her. He loved her for her mind and her emotions only.
Next you must know that you cannot change her, you can only change yourself. So you focus on your ability to trust… try not to be so needful of public affection (this btw is VERY difficult for some people). Realize that you are a good person no matter what she is willing to show/share with you. You are worthy.
You must be an extremely strong person, to get through all that. Also, you and your wifde must share a very strong connection and love to still be together.
Now, to help your feeling of insecurity. Well, first of all, always keep that 99.9% of the time, its just that your being paranode, and that she’s not lieing, etc, as being aware that it isn’t ture is an importain step to breaking that thinking pattern. However thou, it is understanable why you think that way, in fact, its amazing you didn’t complety break down by now.
Another thing, you need to be shown love unconditionally, around the clock by your wife, and talk alot to her about how you feel, taling about it will make you feel more safe with her.
I hope this helped, and best of luck, God bless you
- Starlight
There are lots of possible things that your wife wants. I think that instead of speculation (which breeds more paranoia and distrust) that therapy will be EXTREMELY helpful. There are all manner of therapists and I hope should you choose to go down this root that you find one you think is helpful and the right fit for you.
The only thing about therapy is, that sometimes you have to be willing to endure a little more pain before you can really heal. The foundation of what you both might think that the other thinks—might be completely off base and have to be removed.
One of the exercises I use to do with some of my clients was to have each partner talk to me about what they thought, and how they felt and what bothered them. Generally the first hour or so of each one saying their feelings was gruesome (snarky comments, lashing out, being judgmental, being hurtful for the sake of being hurtful)…BUT they came to a point that they realized the exercise wasn’t to hurt anyone—but to find a way to express in terms that both partners understood. Being able to admit that there’s a problem openly and working pro actively on finding solutions—it’s an on going process,that generally only when you look back do you see the progress.
You sound like a great guy, and I have deep respect for your forgiving nature. I don’t know the full story and how things really are on the ground, but from what I read, I think you have been too easy on her. Affairs are serious business and people get killed over that stuff - but if she gets a free and easy get out of jail card from you, she is not going to realize the severity of her crime. It is a truly reprehensible act of betrayal to cheat on your partner and all this time all I hear are how you are bending over backwards to keep her and I haven’t heard anything about her remorse or if she is even truly and deeply sorry.
Maybe she needs to symbolically or literally be kicked to the kerb to realize what she did. Women tend to be financially dependent on their partners, and it may be one of the reasons she is sticking around… how can you be so sure that another rich suitor comes along and she packs up her bags and leaves? For her infidelity you have the upper hand in the courts with regard to your daughter and your property.
The abandonment and loneliness you had as a teenager and your life experience.. all those hurts and pains have cultivated a beautiful heart inside you that is yearning to be loved and to love back. It is just so tragic that you ended up with a woman who has trapped you in her snare like this. You deserve so much better, and the only way I see this marriage working is that your wife truly and sincerely repents from her previous crimes, she should be on her knees asking for forgiveness if she really means it that much and wants to be with you. In that case, she would deserve another chance to make things right and prove her fidelity, but unless you get that sincere and total remorse you will always be plagued with doubt and suspicion. Marriage is a very sacred and special union, in which there are limits and boundaries and certain freedoms within those limits where you can share special intimacy together.. but when you blur those lines and cross over to do evil things, then it is like setting fire to the house, and only a flood of sincere apologies can put it out and save you.
I know this is not practical advice, and maybe it isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I hope you atleast understand that there needs to be some serious talks and signs of remorse - it’s the only way to truly forgive and make amends and rebuild that trust with a vow to take death before ever even thinking of going astray.
I feel for you, and I just hope things work out for the best for you and your daughter foremost. God is with you, take care and peace.
Thank you all for your posts, they were very helpful have given me a lot to think about. Marriage counseling is definately a road we both desire to assist us with our relationship rebuilding, but has proven nearly impossible to make happen. We are very poor (yet another stress factor in our lives) and therapy is very expensive. In addition, we both work opposing schedules so that our daughter is taken care of… there’s simply no way to plan a schedule of therapy because of the transient nature of our work schedules. When time does arrive where we are both actually off work and there’s not a hundred things to do (which there always seems to be) we’re primarily concerned with spending time with each other and enjoying one another’s company. This time together, however limited, has proven very therapeudic (spelling?lol) to our marriage. I just wish we had more time together.
I don’t assume anything about my wifes feelings and thoughts, I have learned the hard way that you never really know whats going on in your partner’s head. I am not her, therefore I cannot tell you how she feels or thinks… only how she behaves in my presence. She seems to be remorseful about what she did, she has sworn to me that it won’t ever happen again, but once again this goes back to my trust and abandonment issues. She has walked out on our marriage once before this ordeal, to my knoweledge there was no outside influence at that time other than a mother in-law who despises me. It was a short lived seperation which she came running back from, but it was also quite traumatic for me. On that occasion I came home from work to find an empty house and a note on the kitchen table (one of the few remaining pieces of furniture) along with her ring. Our bank account had been emptied. On that occasion as well I rushed to the rescue of our marriage, and it was mere days before she was calling me telling me that she had made a mistake. I endured quite a lot during that ordeal, but no resolution was made at that time because even after she returned home she never opened up to me about how she felt. I can’t do anything or change anything unless I know there’s a problem. Identifying the problems in our marriage has proven to me to be much harder than actually doing something about them.
So what am I to do? Counseling is the obvious route but has proven impossible in reality, and I battle every day I go to work with thoughts of abandonment and mistrust. I don’t think I’m in any way “projecting” my thoughts and feelings into my wife… I’ve learned the danger of assumption when it comes to anothers feelings. I’ve always prided myself on being logical and reasonable in any situation, but here my logic fails me. My heart and my logic do not agree on a course of action, and to “kick her to the curb” as one person stated might be neccessary, is something that I can’t bring myself to do. I am very open to my wife about my feelings and I think that slowly but surely she is starting to understand what I’m going through. All I can do is hope she comes around and does the same for me.
I am bending over backwards for our marriage, and I bite my tongue and allow things to calm down when wifey is in a foul mood and is lashing out at everyone around her because I know that it is not indicative of her as a person, just the amount of stress that she is under at the moment. She always apologizes afterwards, and she really is a sweet and wonderful person, but her families’ history and her own do not instill confidence about our future and her fidelity. I just know that if anything were ever to happen again that I would come out of it a broken and ruined man. Maybe I already am. How can I tell my wife that she’s not giving me what I need emotionally and in our marriage without pointing fingers and assigning blame?
I’m not Christian, however, some churches offer counseling very inexpensively or sometimes free, depending on your congregation. Have you considered looking into community type assistance?
That’s the only example I can really think of.
Anonymous
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7 months, 1 week ago (23 hours, 40 minutes after post)
Lol are you scared of this wife of yours? Or are you just scared of being alone? You sound to be exceptionally tolerant; one of those over-nice people who probably does themself no favours. A lady can walk out on you taking all her possessions with her, next cheat on you, next shout about and use foul language at you. Yet, you still come here and defend her to the hilt. Sorry to say this, but she will only treat you the way that you let her treat you.
You need to set some boundaries here for your own self-respect if nothing else. We are only advising you in this way because we care. And looking from the outside in, this is a very black and one-sided picture. This woman needs a severe telling off and I really couldn’t care less if you love her. The reality is that she has abused you mentally, emotionally and verbally and there’s no getting away from this. What lengths are you going to swoop to in order to save this marriage? From the sounds of things, you’re already a shell of the man you once were.
Only because she is seeming to get the final say, do I recommend that external help is sought: in order to ensure a fair outcome for you. Community counselling should be explored further if you don’t have the financial means.
I really do feel for your predicament and really hope that you find the means to become happy again soon.
I do keep my mouth shut and let her get the final say often, even when I totally disagree… works about 90% of the time to where she comes back 5 mins later and apologizes for the way she was acting and then we talk rationally. I must agree that I feel she needs a telling off, but not from me… she needs a close friend or family member to do that and she treats everything that has happened like a skeleton in the closet, telling no one.
Counseling at a church is our primary option, and we’ve looked into it but our schedules prevent us from being able to set anything up. For example today she works 8:30-3, I work 4-1. We’ll see each other for about 15 mins when she gets home, and for a few minutes if she wakes up when I get home. This is just one of many stress factors in our lives, and when we have a day off (almost never the same day but on rare occasions) theres always much to accomplish.
It boils down to some sacrifices are going to have to be made I think in order to get to counseling, but that’s what we’re going to have to do. I have always believed that two rational, thinking adults could reason out anything… but there’s too much going unsaid and too many grudges I think. I’m really not getting treated badly as often as it may seem… but even when things are going well she seems almost aloof and uninterested in being close to me. She says thats just the way she is, and I can’t deny that. She has always had a problem with intimacy.
Well I gotta run, more later. Thanks for the help and keeping me sane.
So when it’s bad it’s really bad, and when it’s good it’s mediocre? The Anon post above was me (came up automatically). You definitely need to make counselling your priority before you lose your mind completely.
Praying that you find peace of mind and happiness soon,
Farah :)
In light of the situation as it is—with very little time for either of you to go together, is it possible that maybe you could go individually, this might help with the whole ’skeletons in the closet’ and then maybe you could try and free up time to go together in the near future.
Also depending on your relationship with your counselor, they might be able to make accommodation if you feel comfortable to approach them.
I want to stress that when its bad its unpleasant and depressing, but when its good its really really good. We have a great time together and share many interests, we talk well about nonchalant things or even controversial issues. I love my wife for who she is, intellect mind and soul. I think the major difference in this situation is I have suffered long hardships in my life and she came from a life of some priveledge and security. I simply deal with things differently.
I think thats the best idea Times. I’ll look into us seeing someone individually and kinda pick up joint sessions as we go. I think I’m slowly getting through to my wife but I don’t want to have to be a depressed and unhappy person for her to understand. Why would someone want to love that? I’m apprehensive about counselors because I’ve had no good experiences with them and little good in my life has come of it in the past. Finding a good counselor is almost as hard as finding your true love.
And sadly, Farah, I think I lost my mind back in ‘91. =P
Of all the things I’ve lost…lol
I think I can empathize, I was married for a few years.
When through some counseling in youth—I’m surprised I didn’t try and beat the therapist.
Recently, I scared my life coach.
It’s not easy but if you think you need it—then you should pursue it. I’ve found it seriously difficult to go to couples therapy if both parties don’t want to go on their own.
It’s way easier to ‘give advice’ to others when you don’t have to apply it to your own life.
I realize that most men have a natural aversion to psychologists, however a marriage counselor could possibly do wonders to help you both. If that doesn’t work & there really isn’t any trust between the two of you, it’ll be hard to make it work. Trust is the very foundation of a marriage. Without it there isn’t anything. On the bright side, if the marriage can’t stand the test of time, there are other people out there who are capable of being emotionally supportive of you. You may even find a new woman who truly loves & supports you in every way possible. However, I would take that as slowly as possible, because being on the rebound has a tendency to be far too deceptive.
I came across this post looking for a song lyric, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen on the internet. From a woman’s perspective, this mistrust is endemic to the way women see men. It is only from your post that I understand that men can see women in this way as well. In a sense we who are looking for romantic love are rejecting a good part of our evolutionary heritage, and we need sstrong mental health and positive energy to do this.
Sometimes a relationship can drain our mental energy. My advice if I can be so arrogant as to offer advice! is to seek a source of happiness and energy outside of your marriage, and I don’t mean another woman!
But your hobby, your work, your exercise or your favourite walk… let those be as much of a source of strength to you as your marriage.
Because yes marriage can be a strength in times of weakness but that only happens when we first invest our strength in our marriage. I hope what I have said makes sense and doesn’t sound totally patronising, of course you can’t really offer help unless you can know and feel the ins and outs of the situation… I have wished sometimes I could take my own advice and been totally unable to when because I felt trapped in my surroundings, be that my home or even my neighbourhood. In the end it took a change of scenery to get me out of that mindset, and that’s not for everyone I know.
Anyway best of luck to you and you have the clearheadedness to get through this to some kind of happiness and clarity, luck may bring this to you sooner rather than later.
Good luck.
This account has been deactivated.
(((hugs))) You sound like a remarkable man, one that a woman would be proud to have on her side…I wish you the very best in this situation.
Have you thought of taking each of the issues that were identified above, and doing online research on them? Typing in everything that you can think of that pertains to your situation, on both sides, and learning everything that you can about each subject. I think that might be very beneficial, esp. since counseling is not a viable solution. Self help, is the next best option.
google.com seems to bring up many choices on each subject.
Intimacy issues
cheating spouse
jealousy
abandonment issues
lack of time together in a marriage
trust issues
marriage in trouble
that is enough to keep you busy for awhile… and it will def. take your mind off your problems. A very healthy diversion, and one that will not cost you anything.
Also, if you believe in the power of prayer, here are some very good links, where you can post prayer requests….
wjcr.org click on prayer
godswork.org ” ” “
dailyguidepost.org ” “
Again, wishing you the very best….. God Bless….
I’m in a nearly same situation too, try to pray, it helps me get through the day.
I went through a long and complex emotional roller coaster that was precipitated by an inter marrital affair. My story is not necessarily the same as yours but the feelings and emotions I pick up are ’so been there’I can sense the feelings from your words
This might come as harsh, but in retrospect I honestly believe if my husband and I had split up at the time, we would have worked our problems out. Slowly and from a distance - almost like getting to know each other again. The mistrust between us seered deeper and deeper while we tried to “rebuild our love”, until the hurt and pain was just unbearable. There is such hatred and animosity now, its really sad, and I know I could never go back to him again now.Before I always hoped - now never
Times' gone mad
mazdstar
Richard cor de lyon
Starlight
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Cookie Dough!
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Silverwings
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