A Sad Heart can be quite painful…
It’s the first day of February today. Just a little while ago I felt an unbelievable pain in my chest. The pain is nothing physical but spiritual or maybe its emotional I have no clue. What I do know is that for an instant, the world seems bleak, non-important,, my vision, what I see in front of me becomes dark. I can’t even explain this feeling, the feeling I get during these “episodes”. I’ve had these episodes for a very long time now, maybe the last 3 years, on and off. Before, they used to come every once in awhile, even months between each. Nowadays its every 2 weeks or less. Maybe I am depressed or bipolar although I won’t accept such stupid diseases. If this happened to me then so be it, I’ve failed, maybe its in my genes. I’ve been alone for such a long, long, long time. I’ve never had a “proper” relationship, and love, well, I’ve only read about it in books. One word sums up my existence and that would be “Pathetic”. After much deliberation I decided to choose death, to end this quite painful existence. Being 26, looking back at the steps I’ve taken, I think I chose wrong. Even during my childhood, and teenage times, when I should have been studying and improving, I was playing around. I may have been different if my parents would have done things differently but I don’t blame them they did the best they could and I always thought I knew better then them so its really all on me. To bad I hung out with a group of people who never took the time to think about the future, school, or anything important. Still I think I turned out ok. I’m quite intelligent, generally speaking. I accomplished some interesting things like finishing the Marine Corps Boot Camp and 4 years of service without getting into trouble. I’ve traveled to a few countries, met some interesting people, done alot of things I’ve always wanted to do. That coupled with finishing High School is great statistically speaking. I have the tools necessary to accomplish anything I put my mind too, but for some reason I’ve been hit with such laziness, I can’t even put it into words. So lazy do I feel, that even living seems like such a hassle, troublesome even. I wonder when I felt this way, when it actually happened. Maybe being alone for such a long time, living just for myself, has put quite a strain on me, I read somewhere that humans need companionship maybe that would help but if I can’t even understand myself or make myself happy how in the hell am I supposed to make someone else happy now. Know Thyself…right. Anyways don’t you need goals and a little bit of motivation to accomplish them in this life to even have a right to live? If you don’t have those in mind and no motivation to do them or will even, well no one’s going to do them for you and, you have to work in this society to earn a “living”. If you have no goals or passions or motivation to accomplish these then the only alternative is death? Right? How in the world are you going to get your motivation to do this back by taking pills for your mood? I know a happier person is more optimistic but I don’t think things will change, character wise. Who knows, but nothing matters anyways, life is pointless, except for what you make of it, even if I die young, you’ll die to, a lot later then me,. Some people want to play the game called life, find out what happens, meet people, create situations and then get to the game over screen after you’ve accomplished everything you could, and some people don’t. I know the outcome of the game, and I only have one play through, there’s no continue, should I play it all the way through, no matter what I do during the course of the game, the eventuality of it is game over. LOL man what a bleak way of thinking in truth I wouldn’t want anyone else to think this way lol hell everyone would be killing themselves lol, anyways I’m just ranting on here because I’m bored, I don’t really expect anything interesting to be said. I’m looking for a simple job, earn enough money to buy a gun and then die, Quick and easy. I do have a small interest in these so called anti-depressant pills and if they really “help”. I don’t have insurance so I can’t get anything like that but whatever, if your depressed and your taking these pills, let me know if they “REAAAALLLY” help, I’d just like to know, if you want to tell me. Well good or bad I’ll enjoy anything interesting that’s said on here, well whilst I’m around.:-)
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