friends help: I want to share the thoughts in this letter I wrote a friend of mine this morning. - Help.com

I want to share the thoughts in this letter I wrote a friend of mine this morning.

We were talking on the phone last night. Something we were talking about caused me to suddenly become quite protective. It was bizzare to me … because it was something I didn’t really have control over … it just happened. I have a protective mechanism that causes me to … sorta ‘disassociate’ (for lack of better terms). I disconnect and have a difficult time continuing to spontaniously participate in the conversation. I want to share this so that some of you have more insight into who I am … and sometimes when we share we can help others as well … those are my intentions with sharing these thoughts with you …

Good Morning My Friend …
Thank you for your e-mail. I fell asleep on the couch last night, woke up in the middle of the night and went to bed. I didn’t waken until nearly 11am this morning. I guess I needed it. (when I ’sleep in’ - I sleep in!)

I am feeling a little blue this morning. I think it is wise to have some space for myself. Please don’t take ownership of my feelings, you are not responsible for them … I am.

I think talking about High School, my sister, hanging out, Tommy being messed up, Ernie … just all kinda started making me feel sad. I really have fond memories of talking with Ernie, he was so safe and nice. I always wanted to have more time with him. Tommy was adorable, kind and I just remember him always being happy. I don’t like to hear that he is lost in drugs (but if he is, he is) I miss my sister and I wish she and I could be friends but there is nothing I can do to potentiate that. I have tried and it just hurts me to make myself vulnerable and have her reject my attempts.

And you mentioned seeing one of the Schindlers at Bryan’s release party. It was rude and inconsiderate of whomever planned that party not to make me aware or invite me, regardless of how far I am. It hurts. AND I am tired of being sensative and hurting over inconsiderate behavior. It is water under the bridge, what is done is done, but I am left feeling quite foolish for giving a **** about that man … of course, he hasn’t acknowledged any of it, so it is like I didn’t and/or don’t exist — reinforcing my foolishness. It doesn’t feel good. Eventually, I will get over it. This type of situation stimulates feelings of rejection and abandoment (which I am hyper-sensitive to because of the nature of my childhood) making me wonder what I did wrong and why I was not included. Now, I am embarrassed because of my reaction and it makes me feel like broken and damaged goods; like there is something ‘wrong’ with me and I am not valuable. I fear that you will reject me and abandon me. Can you see how this can become a self feeding nasty little cycle … ?

What I just described is what I am experiencing emotionally. Intellictually, I understand that you are my friend and my silly childhood experiences are just that … past experiences. What ever reason I was not included in the ‘Bryan party’ … really is irrelevant to the quality of my life. Whether or not Bryan respects or accepts me as a friend really isn’t that big of a deal. I am sure Ernie remains a gentle, kind soul and that Tommy will be fine. At this point, my relationship with my sister is in God’s hands and I have to let it play out.

There … I have shared with you the little internal battle I experience every once in a while. Emotion vs Intellect … ultimately I get to a place where I remember it is all an illusion … a pattern of response and behavior I have developed and then somehow I let the battle go … and I become the happy, optimistic, fun loving, creative soul which is the essence of who I really am. Sometimes, I just take a ride on this emotional roller-coaster. Maybe one day it will go away … and I wont ride it anymore. I don’t know.

And … it is hard being so far away … I want to be there. I want to be near you, Mary, Sandy, my siblings … my sister in law .. I want to develop that part of my life again. But, I also have my children and stability here … it will all work out.

Don’t abandon our friendship .. I need you to be strong. That being said, if you can’t handle me … it’s cool … I am capable of taking care of myself. As I have said before, ” I am more than a survivor, I live my life. ” It is not fair of me to place that type of burden on anyone.

My friends at help …. I hope this gives you insight into me, my behavior and what sometimes drives my responses. I miss some of you dearly. I want you to know that.

This open post was written 9 months, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 279, 9, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

friends, Soul, sleep, Emotion, life, Battle, hand, party, Experience, Bed (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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