what has he taken from you?
Do you believe that if you got back together he would do the same?
you say that back then it hurt but now you’re fine, but you go on like this?
unless you want to take him to court you need to cut your losses.
even though no one can run away from their past, he’s obviously trying to break it off with you, whatever his reasons are (because “he just doesn’t want to return anything”?!)
for you to contact his friends is WAY out of line! leave the guy alone!
Ted - That’s why I left him.
melt - I meant that the pain from break up has gone. Now it’s another thing.
I don’t want to take him to court, any amount is not worth it for me. I think that he could normally talk with me at least, is that too much to ask? We never talked after it ended. I even apologised.
I think you would benefit from counselling. If you can find a counsellor that specializes in relationships, they might be able to help you move on. Sounds like you don’t want to move on… you will be happier once you do. Sounds like you feel entitled… Ever see someone in a really crappy relationship that they wont get out of… even on TV, and EVERYONE is saying why doesn’t she leave? You haven’t left yet… you don’t sound like you have perspective. Would you rather he did talk to you and told you to go away? That’s what he’s going to do… that’s what he’s doing. I know it probably hurts a lot but sometimes we can’t get apologies or what we need from people so we need to refocus on what we need/want and move on… or stay right where you are, searching for some guy who obviously does not want to talk to you for some sort of validation or restoration which at this point even if you get it probably isn’t going to fix how you feel.
I don’t know about counselling but it’s not like I don’t have strength to get out of it. I tried, I’m able to do that but it feels wrong. I felt like a loser because I left.
This is very minor, but you apologized to him (perhaps to no avail), did you consider trying to apologize to yourself or forgive yourself somehow?
join a college course, ive seen this always in my life, teh easiest way to get a problem solved is to accept it and get a mission in life which is bigger than the previous.to solve a problem by getting a bigger one which means getting a bigger meaning in yr life..relationships are imp but more imp is u …
and yr self esteem!!
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For what to forgive myself?
What outcome are you looking for? If you could have it your way… what would it take for you to be happy?
itsmag wrote:
For what to forgive myself?
For being in a relationship where you felt used and unloved.
For hurting yourself by breaking out of the relationship.
For having given so much to him that you feel the need to get back together.
all those things.
I just don’t see a solution along the lines of getting back together or moving on if he resists the one and you resist the other, so I thought maybe someone (like yourself) treating you with compassion might be an alternative approach to a complicated situation.
Well first of all I’m unable to understand how did that happen at all. He was always very caring and never hurt me. I don’t understand how for some amount that he could earn in few months he needed to destroy it all.
I don’t care about the money. It’s just the way he got it from me. If he just told that he’s in need and asked me I would give all that I can. But he betrayed me to get it and acted like nothing’s wrong. He even made marriage proposal to me after that, more than once. Later I blamed myself for not accepting it cause I love him in spite of all, but then I only thought that I don’t want to be with such betrayer.
He became a stranger to me just because of the money so that he even can’t talk with me? Or he cannot forgive me for breaking up? For blaming him?
I want to talk with him about it. Without any heavy feelings.
If I could have it my way, we would have an open conversation and understand each other. I don’t want to think that he could just heartlessly forget me and move on. He never shared with me how he feels about it. And then we could talk what we can do.
Michael thanks I appreciate that you want to understand and your suggestion but I don’t really feel there’s my fault. I loved him, I don’t regret that.
By the way I don’t think that for me to contact his friends is way out of line. His friends cared about me and I’m not really doing nothing wrong. At least I could find out that he’s doing fine because it’s been long since I heard from him last time. I think it’s way more out of line that after what he did to me I’m in such state that I need counselling.
Booyah… there’s some of it. You don’t want him to heartlessly forget you and move on. He’s not going to forget you. He proposed to you for goodness sake. But you said no. That’s pretty big. That’s as big of a deal breaker as stealing money! He might move on though and you’re trying to make it impossible for him to do so… not cool dear. No one owes anyone here. What do you have to gain by forcing him to talk to you. He’s non-verbally shooting you down. If you really truly want him to talk to you leave a message with one of his good friends and leave it at that. Leave it. Go do something else. You’re gonna make yourself sick over this and there’s so so much more to life that you probably can’t even see right now cuz you’re so wrapped up in this you have no perspective. I’m gonna leave it at this cuz I know unless you’re ready to hear it you’re not going to listen. When you’re ready to move on, write another post if you need help. But I don’t think you’re gonna get the help you WANT right now which is for someone to say hey I know that guy let me get him on the phone for you or here’s how you can get him to talk to you… In the mean time, take care.
Actually betrayal was more than money and there was a serious reason to doubt in sincerity of his feelings. I said no because marrying me could give him another opportunity to use me. I could not be sure anymore if he wants to be with me because he loves me or something else. If he did it before his betrayal when I didn’t have any doubts I would 100% say yes, but why he did it only after.
Sorry if it’s confusing, it would take too long to explain all. Nobody can help how I want anyway, of course. I don’t talk about it with anyone though so maybe I’ll be able to consider to other advices.
Ok thanks for reading and replying.
I see that because it’s just a basic outline of the situation, it’s impossible to make a right judgement. I had to mention it earlier to avoid assumptions. I would have to write pages cause still details are important.
But I can try to tell just the meanings.
I know what I’m doing. I don’t need nobody to tell me that I must go away just because he wants that. It’s our relationship, he said that he’ll never leave me and will always love me. If he lied then I have all rights to make him feel responsible, there’s no my fault, I did all efforts to be with him. But I do that because I care and nobody can say that it’s ok that he just decides to stop caring about that too. I don’t think it’s ok and is it an excuse to leave just because I don’t know what to do?
Why I’m doing that, because it’s something that matters to me. He’s not just some guy to me, we used to be there for each other for several years, we’re not just nobody to each other and he needed me no less than I needed him. Knowing him I’m unable to understand how could he do this. He’s not such kind of person. I don’t know what happened.
The problem with money is not so small. I just did not want to describe him here as some horrible bastard because based only on this one thing he did, he would look like one.
There’s no simple solution. Even if he talks with me, even if he wants to be with me again, it’s still be hard for both of us. There would be still a lot of tension.
The kind of help I might need, not how to survive this, but what can I actually do about it. To run away, especially from painful experience, is always the easiest way. But I can’t find peace if I know that I just gave up on something very important. How can I do that, does it stop to matter anymore just because it failed? In life there’re such experiences and this one is not the worst I ever had, and I do have faith that it it’s not completely hopeless.
Itsmag,
You say “Back then it hurt a lot but now I’m fine.”
it sounds like it still hurts and you are not fine or you would not be trying to get him back. Apparently, he doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore for whatever reason (maybe he wasn’t ready for one in the first place). You will have to accept this. Somewhere inside of you, you will have to find enough confidence to believe there will be somebody else for you and put all of your research energy into finding this person.
I don’t know, it’s not like I think that there’s only he for me. I really tried to forget, to move on, but there’s a feeling that I have unresolved problem in my life. And another thing is that after this it became more painful to try to have new relationships. It hurts more than it should if something goes wrong. So I just wanted to do something.
Anyways for some unknown reason I heard from his friend recently that he (not friend, but he) actually cares about me and loves me and he was very upset there or something like that. What is now I don’t know. So it’s really difficult to understand anything.
really u r confusing me.. first you said you are fine,, but you are not at all!!!
and i couldn’t understand what did he took from you? but it’s seems relating to Money… Listen Darling the problem here that he don’t want you.. i know that we are the girls fight and fight till forever to get back the one who we loved.. but my advise to you try to know someone elso to love you.. i know its too hard & maybe you tried but you did not find the right one till now.. believe you should go & live your life.. go out & make more friends & i’m sure you’ll find the right one who respect you & love you more..
If you want me to talk with you BF & try to understand from him what he want exactly.. i’m ready to do so..
Thanks but they said he will finally talk with me. He’s supposed to call me, so I’ll just wait and see.
wish you all the best,, good luck
chic
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US | 1 year, 9 months ago (6 days, 1 hour after post)
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If He IS going to finally talk to you, make the most of it, get it clear in your mind what you need and want to say, and Know what it is you truly want, and let him know, erase the past if that’s possible for the both of you, start over if it’s what you both want, you have a chance here if he contacts you - make it worthwhile, but it does take the both of you to want the same thing, he also has to be clear about what he wants - did he truly love you… doe she still feel that way - get to the point and get a starting point to go from - state your feelings for him - get him to state his for you.. if it’s a basis to start from and you both feel and want the same - then whatever happened before can be wiped clear, work it out and start over - both heading in the same direction! but if there is doubt, don’t get into something you might later regret - KNOW your feelings, KNOW his.
then decide which path into the future to take. it takes both to make it or not.
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Rahat Lokum edited this post 1 year, 9 months ago. Read the previous text »
My situation
It’s really hard to talk about it cause I worry that nobody will understand me or know how to help me get what I want. But anyway. Long time ago I broke up with the guy I really love because he took advantage of my trust and got material gain, from my side there’re only losses both material and emotional. He said sorry but didn’t seem to think of doing anything to restore the damage he caused and to make me feel secure again. I felt used and unloved. I didn’t know if he can do something like that again. So I broke up with him. Back then it hurt a lot but now I’m fine.
But I didn’t forget him and I don’t want to be with another. He always meant very much to me and it wasn’t my wish to be without him. It doesn’t make heartache go away if I tell myself that it was hopeless anyway, I couldn’t save it alone. But blaming him doesn’t make me feel better and doesn’t make anything better.
So when I understood that I can’t escape from it I tried to get him back, and he didn’t want it anymore. The fact that he still owes me what he’s taken makes everything even more complicated. I don’t know if he rejected me because he just doesn’t want to return anything.
He’s far from me cause it’s a long distance relationship. He said that he wants to “forget his past” and that I should not contact him anymore. I still tried to make him talk with me and he blocked me everywhere. That made me feel helpless and desperate.
After some time I found his friends in the Internet. Some know me, some don’t. I hope that anyhow they can help me, maybe talk with him, make him understand. I hope to reach him through them. Well I don’t know what else I can do so I try to talk with them. They say that they don’t know about what happened and I don’t know if I should tell or no because it’s difficult for them to understand what I want to do. When I say that he’s guilty, it probably sounds like I hate him and want to do something with him. But it’s the cause of this problem. If I don’t mention about it, maybe it looks like he just stopped loving me and I just don’t want to understand that it’s over. Also they don’t believe that I’m saying the truth, they say he couldn’t do such thing. Or just don’t care anyway.
So it doesn’t seem to work too but I just need to do something.
I don’t know if this explanation is ok because it’s short and without all important details (important from my point of view), but I want to say that don’t need advices like he doesn’t deserve me, I should move on, etc., what I usually hear from people who try to help. He’s not all bad and he did many good things for me too. I can’t understand why it happened but I need him.
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Rahat Lokum edited this post 1 year, 8 months ago. Read the previous text »
Thanks to those few who tried to be helpful and understanding, even some change happened in my situation after I posted it here. But something also made me regret it, and no thanks to those who tried to attack me, I’m doing only right things.
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