life help: I have been dating this guy for alittle over a year and he completly - Help.com

I think you should break up with him. You deserver someone better.

i havent but if i was dating someone like that i would kick him to the curb

What are your reasons for staying? You obviously understand that his behavior is a problem. What “benefit” are you getting by staying?

It is like I have been in this abusive fog, in the begining he was so charming so when his behavior changed I thought it was me and I tried everything to be perfect for him and when nothing worked I started looking at it in a different way and that is when I saterted to figure out that is him and there is nothing I can do to make him happy but when you have been told everyday on dailly basis how worthless you are it is hard to pick yourself up from that but I am coming out of the fog and I want out I do not want to live like this that is why I am reaching out to all of you to get a fresh perspective I have lost all of my friends because they could not stand the way he treated me. I just wonder how do I start to get my self worht back so that he can’t manipulate me anymore!!!

He should be banished from your life for a variety of reasons, including (but not limited to) the fact that he is making you unhappy and nervous and the fact that guys who are possessive and controlling often grow into abusers. The longer you stay with him, the more he will think he owns you. I think you should give him his walking papers NOW.

How do you think I should do it I am scared!!!

Break up with him in person and take a friend or two with you for protection.

that sounds like good advice jcd

I just don’t want him to try and manipulate me to stay!!!! I think he qill promise anything to get me to stay but I don’t believe he can change. I will take friend and just tell him NO MORE!

Did he start out all nice and charming tellling you how much he loved you and would do anything for you and the nextt hing you know it is all put downs and insults?
I have been through so much with this man and I am tired. How did you get the strength to leave?

I like jcd’s ideal of having friends on hand if you have to do it in person. Reminds me of instances when I have had to fire a volatile person from a job: I always take care to have company security right outside the door!

If he continues to contact you after you tell him not to, then I think you should change your e-mail address and phone number and ALSO contact company security where you work and give them a description of the man. Then make sure you DON’T give that new address or phone number to any mutual friends who might “fee sorry” for him and want to help get you back together.

This is all based on the supposition that you are not living together. If you are living together, that’s a whole ‘nother ayer of complexity. Tell us if you are, and we’ll give you some additional suggestions.

no we do not live together but he does have a key to my house.

Change the locks.

If he has stuff there, tell him a specific time when he can come and pick it up, and then have someone there to represent you (not you!) while he packs. It would be nice if you had three beefy big brothers or cousins. Not to be threatening, but rather to be not-threatened.

Better yet, have someone there with his stuff all prepacked in a gym bag, box, whatever. Here’s your stuff, bub.

If he gets crazy when you tell him, the police would probably be happy to supervise his move-out.

You know, there’s an actual possibility he’ll just go way quietly. People sometimes do.

let’s hope so.

By the way … I think (can others back me up or disagree here?) that it might be a good idea not to go into much detail with him about why you are breaking up with him. If you tell him it’s because he is too controlling or too insulting, you just give him something to argue against.

Do NOT be drawn into a debate with him about who did or said what, or who is right or wrong. Do not take the bait if he calls you names or accuses you of doing things you didn’t (or did!) do. Just memorize two or three sentences that are NOT arguable, and repeat those over and over, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. This is not a debate, and you don’t need for him to understand or agree. You need to stay directly on message to get your point across.

For example:

“This is not working for me.”

“I am not happy in this relationship.”

“I no longer want to be with you.”

Good luck!

I do not think he will argue, you have to understand that this man is so full of himself that he truly believes that he is the greatest man alive and that I will come crawling back to him once I realize what I have given up!!! Do you know anything about narsasism? Someone once said to me that he was a narsasistic person I am not really sure waht that is.

Well, that would be good. Let him just float away on a cloud of his own self-importance.

Is that what narsasisim means?

narcissism - inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

That’s him.

Narcissus, in mythology, was so in love with himself that he spent most of his time looking at his own reflection in the pond. Eventually he fell into the water and drowned.

He spends most of the time we are together telling me how great he is and how screwed up I am!! He is forever telling me how he is so reveered in the community
and how everyone looks up to him as a leader and it is not true!!!!

We get it! He’s an a**hole! Now we gotta get you away from him so you can a) recuperate and b) be really when a good love comes along. Exit stage right, Mr. Narcissus! Spotlight on Anonymous! Standing ovation!