Love help: You try, you learn, you try, you fail. - Help.com

You try, you learn, you try, you fail.

It’s a vicious cycle. To know that your past will always in someway affect your present because it is a part of who you are, what made you be who you are today. Whether it was pain bestowed up on you by a lover, a friend or a parent, it affects you, it hurts when someone hits that spot whether on purpose or accidently, whether directly or indirectly.

I can’t imagine anything worse than to love someone, want to do all you can for them, and yet continually find that your past haunts you even unknowningly and it brings pain to those you love today. The shame that comes from holding a new love against the shadows of an old one…the unfairness of it all. Why, do I do that? The new love hasn’t even shown an inkling of what the old one did, but yet I am constantly wondering if it’s just a matter of time. It’s so unfair, it’s not right, I hate that I do it, I pray for the strength to make it stop. For the awareness of it BEFORE it happens. It’s a trigger reaction developed after years of abuse.

The problem, it’s too late by the time you realize what just happened, apologies are great but they don’t repair the damage, the only thing to fix it is not to do it again. It’s not fair to ask a person to stay when all I can promise is to try harder. I can’t promise perfection, I am not perfect. My pain is part of me, it has brought me this far, both the lessons learned and the ones yet to be learned. I can’t walk away from my past, nor do I expect anyone else to walk from theirs, but I won’t hide behind it either. I promise to learn as much as I can everyday that I can.

We all have pain that shapes us. Am I really any different than anyone else? Do you have pain that causes you to act or say things to protect your heart? Do you push people away because you are afraid to hurt them?

And lastly, when you are hurt by someone you love, do you think to yourself, its not ok to let my guard down, this person is no different than anyone else I have loved? And once again the vicious cycle begins.

So before you say, you have left your past behind you, you don’t allow it to control your today or your tomorrows, think about how you react when you are hurt and when you cause pain to others…then answer the question, do you control your pain or does it control you?

This closed post was written 8 months ago | V/U/S: 350, 8, 3 | Edit Post | Report Post

Love, Person, Cycle, Old One, Fair, promise, Control, Today, Part, Perfect (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Jade 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 8 months ago (42 minutes after post)

Thanks Jeb. 4 years long time my friend. Yeah, it is a *****. Or maybe I am the *****!? hehe (not really jk tho)

I don’t think I am clinging to the past, but then again, maybe I am. Do we really hold on to that which hurt us so deeply both emotionally and physically to the point that we can’t move on from it completely?

Thanks Jeb. 4 years long time my friend. Yeah, it is a *****. Or maybe I am the *****!? hehe (not really jk tho) I don't think I am clinging to the past, but then again, maybe I am. Do we really hold on to that which hurt us so deeply both emotionally and physically to the point that we can't move on from it completely?

Help me with: haven’t been here for a while but wanted to share a recent experience…

Saggezza 4 #
Vancouver, BC, CA | 8 months ago (45 minutes after post)

Everything you said about your past playing a part in your present is absolutely true. Some events that happened in our past were so traumatic that our minds create a defence mechanism so that you can defend against it happening again… It is a self-preservation mechanism. No different, in fact, than your imune system.

So, don’t hate that you are who you are. You are exactly who your partner loves.

My question for you is… Is your partner aware of your past? And if so, have you asked him to help you realize those times when you are letting your past affect your present behavior in a way that is detrimental?

Everything you said about your past playing a part in your present is absolutely true. Some events that happened in our past were so traumatic that our minds create a defence mechanism so that you can defend against it happening again... It is a self-preservation mechanism. No different, in fact, than your imune system. So, don't hate that you are who you are. You are exactly who your partner loves. My question for you is... Is your partner aware of your past? And if so, have you asked him to help you realize those times when you are letting your past affect your present behavior in a way that is detrimental?

Help me with: Is lying necessary?

BDH_Logistics 1 #
Cape Coral, FL, US | 8 months ago (1 hour, 50 minutes after post)

i agree with

as for trigger reactions, that is why i try, and stress to people close to me, to think about every decision you make, everything you say.

sure, i don’t always catch myself, but on the big issues, I try that much harder.

Likw Jeb says, as long as you hate (or fear, or despise, or compare), they still hold power over you, as do your emotions, your pain.

well,. wtf do I know, i aint never been thru nothing serious, so It’s easy for me, i guess

i agree with as for trigger reactions, that is why i try, and stress to people close to me, to think about every decision you make, everything you say. sure, i don't always catch myself, but on the big issues, I try that much harder. Likw Jeb says, as long as you hate (or fear, or despise, or compare), they still hold power over you, as do your emotions, your pain. well,. wtf do I know, i aint never been thru nothing serious, so It's easy for me, i guess

Help me with: Doing fine, been busy, and i think the stroke and the pills finally burned away any desire i had for social contact.

Jade 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 8 months ago (7 hours, 35 minutes after post)

Saggezza - thanks….yes, my friend knows of my past and yes, he points out when my behavior is detrimental. But there is a fine line in my governing my own actions and someone pointing them out to me. I should be responsible for myself at all times, taking time to appreciate what I say and if it is harmful. This is where I try and fail, I try to pause and think, but when I do. I feel like I am taking too long to respond and worry how that could be interpreted as well. (maybe I worry too much…hehe).

I just want to do right by him and I pray that he will understand that I am trying so very hard to get this right.

Brian and Jeb - I know. It took me years to forgive my father and he was dead. Now I must learn again to forgive so the control is gone. I hold up well for a while, but eventually, I falter. And there is a difference between the two situations. I have children with my ex, I am trying to keep as much peace as I can between us so that the kids are not caught in between battling parents. It would be so much easier if I never had to see him again but that is not an option.

And Brian, wtf…why would you say that you have been thru nothing serious? You have been thru more in one lifetime than most could fathom. As a result, you know/have learned much more than most ever well. You have shared that wisdom with me and for that I will be forever grateful. I try to take in all that you have told me and I try hard to do right by those that I love, I always will. I can only hope for patience and understanding especially when I hope they know just how much I care for them/him.

Saggezza - thanks....yes, my friend knows of my past and yes, he points out when my behavior is detrimental. But there is a fine line in my governing my own actions and someone pointing them out to me. I should be responsible for myself at all times, taking time to appreciate what I say and if it is harmful. This is where I try and fail, I try to pause and think, but when I do. I feel like I am taking too long to respond and worry how that could be interpreted as well. (maybe I worry too much...hehe). I just want to do right by him and I pray that he will understand that I am trying so very hard to get this right. Brian and Jeb - I know. It took me years to forgive my father and he was dead. Now I must learn again to forgive so the control is gone. I hold up well for a while, but eventually, I falter. And there is a difference between the two situations. I have children with my ex, I am trying to keep as much peace as I can between us so that the kids are not caught in between battling parents. It would be so much easier if I never had to see him again but that is not an option. And Brian, wtf...why would you say that you have been thru nothing serious? You have been thru more in one lifetime than most could fathom. As a result, you know/have learned much more than most ever well. You have shared that wisdom with me and for that I will be forever grateful. I try to take in all that you have told me and I try hard to do right by those that I love, I always will. I can only hope for patience and understanding especially when I hope they know just how much I care for them/him.

Help me with: haven’t been here for a while but wanted to share a recent experience…

Suzy 0 #
An Undisclosed Location | 7 months, 4 weeks ago (2 days, 4 hours after post)

you must somehow accept your past, maybe talk to someone about it, and then move on, and let it remain as your PAST, not your PRESENT.
it wont help if you forget it, but are still sad/angry/whatever over it when you remember it again, so you must just accept it.

Suzy~

you must somehow accept your past, maybe talk to someone about it, and then move on, and let it remain as your PAST, not your PRESENT. it wont help if you forget it, but are still sad/angry/whatever over it when you remember it again, so you must just accept it. Suzy~

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