house help: Looking for anyone with any experience on this issue. - Help.com

Hi Jade, where to begin…..I would sit your daughter down and tell her that if something is going on at dads she needs to tell you about it. You are not telling on dad but you are telling me if anything bad is happening ok you can trust me. Make sure you tell her she can trust you. In the meantime check your son out um try washing him before bed time ok here are a few signs to look for..If your son refuses to get undressed, cries if you remove his clothes before a bath or is shy about getting undressed, does he do any of those things? If he does you need to contact you ex and confront him with this and tell him your concerns. Your son is being molested by someone at your ex’ house and your daughter is also very well being molested and you need to contact the authorities and go back to court and get full custody of those kids. I hope this helps.

Jade since the difference in ages between your 2 children is 10 years you may not remember that age 2 can be a difficult one (not to mention the gender differences). You need to be consistent with him in your home and accept that you will never be able to influence your ex. in his. I am basing my advice on the fact that I had 2 year old twins (1 boy and girl) and a 6 month old girl when I was divorced…. I struggled with similar issues. My kids are now 10, and 8… your baby boy would be testing you even without the separation… I want to offer more, but while I am at work I don’t always have enough time to focus as I would like to. Just be consistent in your home and your so will know what to expect from you, and leave your ex to his own failings… Your children will be fine, mama. (ugh I remember those days)

son*

Hi Jade, ok and I’m sorry you were molested as a child. It’s a terrible thing for any child to go through.I do agree with screamingly wonderful your not going to change your ex. Just love you kids as much as possible and they will come and talk to you when they want.

If you are simpley worried about lax rules, maybe talk to your son and tell him, at mommies house we don’t behave that way. I have no experience with ex’s, only with grandparents who like to spoil children, and thats what we said, If Grammie lets you do that at her house, thats up to Grammie, we don’t allow that here. or whatever. It seemed to work. Like screaminglywonderful said, you have to be consistant in your home and your son will learn the rules for where ever he happens to be.
good luck, 2 year olds are difficult sometimes.

I know it…. i worry too…. but a really old lady from alaska once told me that the things you spend all your time worrying about never happen….. it’s the things your never imagined that happen. Moral: try not to worry so much, and enjoy those twos!

Hmm, I wish you the best Jade, but I really don’t think I can help.

awww, he sounds sweet. maybe you could just make your ex take him grocery shopping, maybe that will change your ex. It sure did my husband. :P , just kidding, I’m sure he will be fine. You seem like a great mom, you can’t go wrong.

How often and what kind of communication do you have with your Ex? It sounds fairly good. I’ve often spoken to my children’s mother about how we have to communicate and be on the same page for the betterment of the children. If we were still married, still in the same house together, we would be doing just that. The fact that we live in two different houses, does not take anything away from that. Trust me, individuality comes through no matter what. But in terms of discipline, I tell my ex everything. If the girls get grounded, the ex knows about it and why. Likewise the Ex talks to me. I’m probably the more lax one but I see my ex making mountains out of mole hills. Regardless, I honor her discipline with the girls… it does not mean I cave-in if I disagree with her; we continue to talk about it. Sometimes she caves… sometimes I cave, usually there is compromise.

The fact that there is a difference in a 2 year old, probably has more to do with missing mom - the nurturer, than anything else. Unless there is something very wrong happening, which it doesn’t sound like, simply think more along the lines of abandonment fears. A 2 year old can be away from mom for only a day or so without suffering abandonment fears (so I’ve been told). If the youngster is with dad for more than one day at a time, then I would call and let the little one hear mommy’s gentle voice now and again, just so he knows she’s still around :)
Bright blessings ~ Richard

hi jade. i’m on the other side of the custody situation. we have 7- and 12-year-olds and the custody is split 50/50. one week with her, one with me. there is still some bitterness, as the divorce only happened a couple of year ago, but we manage to separate those feelings from our child-raising responsibilities. here are a few things i’ve learned:

–don’t have discussions of any kind in front of the kids. if there is disagreement, it will upset them and draw them into the battle.
–the more you communicate about issues such as school, activities, health–the better. because of my Ex’s history with substances, our settlement states that we have the option to see a mediator if there is sharp disagreement on any issue relating to them, but that i have the final say (from belly button rings to choice of school). but we have never had an impasse because we both see the value of the other’s opinion. we share the decision-making. i don’t need to be the tie-breaker if we are on the same page.
–kids need consistency. if one of us sees the need to discipline our kids (video games taken away until the grades come back up, for example) the discipline holds true for both houses.
–dads are easily manipulated by their daughters, lol.
–i don’t need or want to know anything that goes on at her house (or you at your ex’s) unless it puts the children in harm’s way.
–some people are more energetic, spontaneous and less organized than others.

understand that you can’t change your ex (or you’d still be married) and you can’t control his/her situation. he may seem childish to you and fun to them. unless it affects their school work, health or mental well being, don’t sweat it. if it does affect one of those, talk to him at a neutral location and without accusations.

good luck!

erm. well. i dont really have any experiacne here as i dont have kids (apart from the ****** birds, but i have no idea who thier father is:()

i was the kid in the middle though like your son, the youngest of two going between my mother, who took us to school, dealt with me being a little ****, took us to the doctor when we were sick etc etc, and going to my dads in the weekend who was the laxest guy ever with the rules and basically let us do what we want, to the point one time i found a family of feral cats and he let me let them loose in the house lol.

anyhoo, at that time, for me as a kid i saw mum as the rulemaker, and dad as the fun guy. looking back now i see just how wrong i was about the whole thing.
so the only thing i can really think of is just being careful your son doesnt get the same idea i did, and think mum is a boring old strict fart and dad is mr fun.
thats all i got sorry:(

You are handling it very well. In mummy’s house this is not what happens… Unless something major happens, just play it by ear. He will be playing you off against your ex no matter what.

It’s an emotional mine field but you are doing really well. If your children are safe and well, then a bit of lax time will not harm them. It may even teach them the that there are two sides to everything. Loving them and teaching them right from wrong is the best gift to give them. And your ex may be too scared to dicpline them in case he pushes them away. Might need to give him a bit of slack on this.

My little man will be 4 soon, my husband and I split for a time when he was 2, but he’s just one of those nothing phases him kind of boys.

Good luck. XX

jade, i have no advice, would talking to a pastor or a cousuler (if you know one as a fried) help? i will pray for you, and, listen anytime rob:-)

Hi Jade everyone has some really good advice but the best advice that I can give you is to really listen to your heart and listen to your gut feelings about things and go with it. The 2 of them don’t usually misguide you.

i don’t realy know much about this, but if you’r kids are doing fine, it migth not be important that your kid is diffrent after being with his dad.
just make sure he’s not bad (whatever you think “bad” mean) with other people, and such.
kids are often diffrent with their mother and father, and the same is about how they are to other people.
but, what i know is just ‘cuz i’m a teen, and i anyway think that unless it’s realy bad your son is acting, it will be fine.
sorry for the bad spelling.

Suzy~