Feel help: Just when I thought things were ok again…

Moogan

Vancouver, BC, CA

Just when I thought things were ok again…

I had a fight with my boyfriend last night. For the last week he’s been in a strange mood. It’s been like this before so its not new, but when he gets like this he can act really mean and say mean things. I started to get angry because he was hurting my feelings so I told him repeatedly to stop acting like a dyck. We were in the car and he just started flipping out. When we got back to his place he went to take a shower and I followed him, asking what the heck his problem was. He shoved me out of the bathroom and slammed the door. By this time I was really upset and crying because I was so frustrated and angry. When he got out I tried to talk to him and ask him what I’ve done THIS time to piss him off. He said it wasn’t about me, that he was just wasn’t feeling “well” (mentally, not physically). I asked him then, if it had nothing to do with me, why was he taking it out on me? “Because you’re always there” was his answer. Of course that isn’t right or fair, and I told him as much, and he said that I didn’t have to put up with it, that I could just leave.
Sometimes I feel like he’s a total Jekyll and Hyde. Things will be good for a while; he’ll loving and nice and kind (like buying me flowers for no reason). But then suddenly, like a light switch he changes into a mean, spiteful, hurtful person who almost acts as though he hates me. And when he gets like that I can’t even talk to him because he acts like its my fault and gives me the silent treatment. He goes cold and cruel and won’t even feel bad or apologize if I’m really upset and crying.
I know this behavior is wrong and emotionally abusive, but I don’t know what to do about it. When times are good, they’re really good…and the good times outnumber the bad. Only, sometimes I feel like trading in all the good times just to avoid these bad times, which are REALLY bad.
He makes me so angry and sad when he gets like this that I feel like losing it. And it would seem so stupid to leave him over this when its not something that occurs on a daily basis.
But I’m really at my wits end. My mom suggested that I just ignore him until he comes around but thats really hard for me to do. And hes good at holding grudges and making the silent treatment last for a long time.
We’ve been together over 4 years and this has happened periodically since the beginning. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve been sick for a while and am supposed to avoid stress (which he knows) so I just can’t understand why he would be like this.
Any advice?

P.S- I’m going to repost this because it didn’t work the first time…sorry if it ends up double posted

This open post was written 4 months, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 301, 14, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post Moogan may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Moogan is a verified member, has been around for 4 months, 4 weeks and has 17 posts and 413 replies to their name.

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Good Times, upset, Feeling, talk, act, Times, Feel, This Time, Leave, Treatment, Emotional abuse, anguish, Mental Health (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Replies (14)

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Moogan edited this post 4 months, 3 weeks ago. Read the previous text »

Just when I thought things were ok again…
I had a fight with my boyfriend last night. For the last week he’s been in a strange mood. It’s been like this before so its not new, but when he gets like this he can act really mean and say mean things. I started to get angry because he was hurting my feelings so I told him repeatedly to stop acting like a dyck. We were in the car and he just started flipping out. When we got back to his place he went to take a shower and I followed him, asking what the heck his problem was. He shoved me out of the bathroom and slammed the door. By this time I was really upset and crying because I was so frustrated and angry. When he got out I tried to talk to him and ask him what I’ve done THIS time to piss him off. He said it wasn’t about me, that he was just wasn’t feeling “well” (mentally, not physically). I asked him then, if it had nothing to do with me, why was he taking it out on me? “Because you’re always there” was his answer. Of course that isn’t right or fair, and I told him as much, and he said that I didn’t have to put up with it, that I could just leave.
Sometimes I feel like he’s a total Jekyll and Hyde. Things will be good for a while; he’ll loving and nice and kind (like buying me flowers for no reason). But then suddenly, like a light switch he changes into a mean, spiteful, hurtful person who almost acts as though he hates me. And when he gets like that I can’t even talk to him because he acts like its my fault and gives me the silent treatment. He goes cold and cruel and won’t even feel bad or apologize if I’m really upset and crying.
I know this behavior is wrong and emotionally abusive, but I don’t know what to do about it. When times are good, they’re really good…and the good times outnumber the bad. Only, sometimes I feel like trading in all the good times just to avoid these bad times, which are REALLY bad.
He makes me so angry and sad when he gets like this that I feel like losing it. And it would seem so stupid to leave him over this when its not something that occurs on a daily basis.
But I’m really at my wits end. My mom suggested that I just ignore him until he comes around but thats really hard for me to do. And hes good at holding grudges and making the silent treatment last for a long time.
We’ve been together over 4 years and this has happened periodically since the beginning. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve been sick for a while and am supposed to avoid stress (which he knows) so I just can’t understand why he would be like this.
Any advice?

Help me with: What do you do for a friend when her mum has just passed away?

gimli 8 #
Marietta, GA, US | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 8 minutes after post)

There could be tons of reasons for his behavior, ranging from depression to not being able to appropriately handle stress…do you know what triggers these episodes? Could you guess? Have you tried talking to him about these things when things are going well?

Help me with: CBS is going to buy CNET.

Moogan 5 #
Vancouver, BC, CA | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 15 minutes after post)

Oh I know very well why he has emotional issues: his parents were abusive (physically mentally, verbally) to him as a child. I know that is what causes these outbursts and why he flips out. He starts to feel stressed out about general things in life and it just builds and builds like a thunderstorm until he loses it. I’ve talked to him about this many times when hes been calm. I’ve read books, including one called When the Man You Love was Abused, to try and better understand how to cope with his past and how to help him. He doesn’t want to get therapy (hes had bad experiences in the past with so-called therapists his parents forced him to see, so he doesn’t trust the system) and he doesn’t want to see a doctor about anti-depressants. I try and keep this all in mind when he has these outbursts, but I just can’t handle him abusing me when he gets out of control. He’ll be nice and normal to everyone else around him but he’ll take everything out on me. Its like he knows that I’ll just take whatever he hurls at me so he feels safe unleashing all of his frustrations and stress on me. But I don’t know how to make him stop doing this or prevent it from happening again.

Help me with: What do you do for a friend when her mum has just passed away?

gimli 8 #
Marietta, GA, US | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 40 minutes after post)

I don’t think that you can make him stop (at least not without significant outside help). Unfortunately, there’s been a lot of negative energy expended to make him what he is now, and it’s going to take a fairly significant amount of effort to undo that. Would it be possible for you to get help by yourself? Would he be more responsive if you presented counseling as “we have a problem”, not “you have a problem”?

If this guy is worth fighting for, then he’s worth fighting for. I would encourage you to do whatever you can to help him overcome these obstacles. As the saying goes, “Love must be tough.” He might not like the process a whole lot, but he deserves the chance to be free from the impediments of his past–giving you both a shot at the life together that you both deserve.

Help me with: CBS is going to buy CNET.

spencerg 0 #
Lexington, MA, US | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (5 hours, 13 minutes after post)

if you really love him, you need to try and get to the root of the problems. if he is worth all this pain, then stick it out and push for the good times. but if he is really making your life ******, then maybe it is time to tell him, at least, that you need a break from this. and maybe to rethink if he really is “the one”.

Moogan 5 #
Vancouver, BC, CA | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (5 hours, 30 minutes after post)

It hurts me to think of all the stuff hes been through growing up…thats why I try and remember that when he’s being horrible to me. But sometimes I just feel like I can’t handle it in the middle of an arguement like we had last night. Its especially hard when he says things deliberately to be cruel. He say things like he doesn’t care about me or how I feel, that maybe I should just leave him…

Usually after work I go to visit him at his work. He has class tonight so I would only see him for a little while…should I just not bother going to see him? Should I just not talk to him for a few days and see if he comes around first? How long should I go without talking to him? And what if I just continue to wait and wait for him to come around to me and he just never does?

Help me with: What do you do for a friend when her mum has just passed away?

gimli 8 #
Marietta, GA, US | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (5 hours, 44 minutes after post)

I admit that I don’t really know the guy or understand the situation, but I wouldn’t vote for that approach. In a lot of ways, loving someone means that you are willing to be vulnerable…and when he lashes out the proper response is not to begin a contest to see who can damage the other person more. (There may come a time when the appropriate thing is to put some space between you, but we might not be there yet.)

I would go visit him as usual, tell him that you love him, and that things can’t continue like they did last night. Make sure that he understands that you aren’t threatening to leave at this point. (He might be afraid that as soon as he admits that he has problems, you might be tempted to run away and give up.)

Hopefully he is willing to begin the process of redemption soon.

Help me with: CBS is going to buy CNET.

Moogan 5 #
Vancouver, BC, CA | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (5 hours, 50 minutes after post)

I’m just worried that if I go to visit him today that he’ll do the same thing that hes done in the past in similar situations and just ignore me, or act horrible to me. I’m already upset, I don’t want to go see him and come away feeling worse.

Help me with: What do you do for a friend when her mum has just passed away?

Moogan 5 #
Vancouver, BC, CA | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (5 hours, 52 minutes after post)

I just feel like I’m reliving the same situations and the same feelings and the same arguements over and over. Everytime its the same. He acts horrible, I get upset, he won’t speak to me, I come crawling on my belly to him hoping to smooth the waters, and then it happens again a few weeks or months down the road.

Help me with: What do you do for a friend when her mum has just passed away?

spencerg 0 #
Lexington, MA, US | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (6 hours, 27 minutes after post)

go, and talk to him. have a serious talk and tell him what you think, and that you want some space. and tell him how you feel! if you guys have been going out for that long then honesty is key. tell him you understand that he is in pain and that he has had a really rough childhood, and that you are there for him, but that you don’t want him to take that out on you. don’t forget to make sure you let him know how much you love him.

Moogan 5 #
Vancouver, BC, CA | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (6 hours, 30 minutes after post)

I think you’re right. I should go anyways. I hope he’ll just listen and not be a jerk (which is always possible). But I wouldn’t feel right if I just didn’t go see him. I wouldn’t be comfortable without some sort of resolution. Thanks :)

Help me with: What do you do for a friend when her mum has just passed away?

spencerg 0 #
Lexington, MA, US | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (7 hours, 25 minutes after post)

haha np… that seems to be what this website is about!
i’m glad i joined

maca888 2 #
AU | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (16 hours, 5 minutes after post)

Ok, im just going to go ahead and post a different position on this, not to be a jerk or ahole but to offer an alternate point of view.

I seriously do not think that your situation will improve if you do nothing (based on the fact that you have been with this guy already for 4 years).

I find it slightly upsetting that you seem to be trying to excuses his behavior, “he had a rough childhood”, “he dosen’t like therapist”, “he dosen’t trust the system”.

At least look at the evidence, he shoved you into the bathroom “because you were there”. And whilst this upsets you, you yourself are excusing him “because he had a bad childhood”. Either you get this sorted out NOW or it really will get worse (do you honestly think abusive relationships start out abusive?).

In short GET outside help (look, what you are doing now is NOT working), and explain to him that the problem is not simpily going to go away, and it you find it upsetting.

Again, the disclaimer with all of my posts, advice, take it or leave it, at least consider it.

Help me with: Im back.

twosleep #
Great Malvern, Q4, GB | 4 months, 3 weeks ago (16 hours, 8 minutes after post)

leave him, there are literally a million guys out there who would give up their world to have you. Start looking now

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