Wow just when one thinks the wounds are healed and the scars start fadeing.
I come home from a lovely evening with friends to find an envelope slipped under my bedroom door. I was mildly curious as to it’s contents until I read the return address. 2 years have gone by since, and finnaly the last of the divorce paperwork arrives to make my pulse race and send the black maggots of stress and nausea worming through my innards at memories and feelings locked well away. I dont have any regrets about the past for haveing done so, I think it IS better to have loved and lost. At least then one has memories of the good times to salve those of the bad. I never should have married her but I was in love and would have done anything just to make her smile. We were lovers but not friends. Its an odd thing to love someone but not like them. We started out ardently enthralled with one another but as time went on we grew more and more distant. Too bad I was the last to know. In the end she uttered words that though now I understand were said in the heat of sadness and anger, have none the less cut me to the soul. I sit here now not really knowing how to feel. Relief that finnaly it is truely over and I can move on? Bitterness at the betrayal of being asked to give up my illusions of eternity with my own personal goddess? Mourning the loss of someone to just hold on too in the cold dark hours of the night? Or perhaps humor at the irony of it all. I know though that with the scars has come a fear. Fear that I have failed somehow. Fear that I might end up alone. Maybe i’m a bit morbid this early in the morning. 3am. Hour of the wolf. Time when most people die, and most children are born. But whatever. Though I dont do it often, and most certainly posting anonymously, writing seems to exorcise some of the ghosts that haunt the hidden vaults of my heart. I dont know if i’m asking for help or merely letting off steam. Ah well, tomorrow is another day.
This open post was written 6 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 121, 4, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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