life help: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years. - Help.com

I understand that you love your partner, you obviously want to work on the problem, its just that the problem isnt you sweety. There is no excuse, and I mean NO excuse to verbally abuse someone, especially your partner. He is being controlling by not discussing the issue and brain washing you to believe that you are the problem. Unfortunately the only way around the problem is if your partner can see and acknowledge his abuse toward you. If not, then its going to be a one way street. And that is not fair on you.

Hi,

I agree with Mezz… it sounds as though he is being controlling; blaming you for everything & not allowing you to talk about it…

I’ve broken up with my boyfriend of 2yrs pretty much for the same reason; I would want to talk to him about an actual problem (eg family etc) or even just work stuff (not problems but just normal chit chat) and he would tell me he was “busy” or “can’t deal with it etc and then I would eventually get annoyed at not being allowed to express myself and then we would argue & he would tell me it was all my fault for being too demanding…

It was a tough decision to leave him as he has me half convinced that maybe I am really demanding but another part of me knows I made the right decision…

If you can’t talk to your partner and share things with them then what is the point to the relationship???

you should really think about you and your safety
if he is gunna keep being verbally abusive whats to stop him from being physically abusive.

and by the sounds of it he is messing with your head making you think that its all your fault

i would leave him or try getting councilling

good luck

xxxxx

He’s upset with himself for something that he has done to you, himself, or another. He can’t deal with himself, so he takes it out on you. If he deflect’s, that means TO ME, that he has had enough but is afraid to talk to you about his own feelings.

Advice: Ask him flat out to talk to you or the relationship is over. If he wants you and wants to be with you, his willpower will win out. If he becomes defensive, he’s succumbing to his base programing and it will be difficult for him to change.

You choose.

Bad luck, I guess he’s only “there for you” because you’re a way for him to make his-self feel better. Ha!

Hey hun, I can sympathize with you on this one. I’ve had issues with my guy of 4 years over similar things. Fortunately I’ve been able to discuss these things with him on some level. I can see myself in a lot of what you’ve said: taking things out on you, not being willing to talk instead of fight, making YOU be the one to apologize just to smooth things over…I don’t know what kind of advice to offer since I go through the same things..only just want to say that you’re not crazy, and his issues aren’t your fault. I’m sorry he takes his stuff out on you. I know its hard, because you love him and you just want him to stop being this way and start treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You wish that he would just wake up and realize that what he is doing is wrong and that he’ll lose you if he doesn’t change. And you want to be enough to make him change, but sometimes these problems go way beyond you and theres nothing you can do to change it.
Have you talked seriously about future plans (marriage, kids etc)? What has he said? If you tell him that he is really hurting you and that you cannot allow yourself to be abused this way, that you’ll leave him if he doesn’t change, what doe she say to that?

There is no excuse for verbal abuse to take place. My boyfriend had control issues and he felt pressured to fix situations and be successful. His chip on his shoulder caused some careless sayings on his part. We never called each other dirty names but there were times when he thought he was right in telling me what he wanted as the man in the relationship, what he expected of me and being brutally honest. I knew something was wrong with that line of thinking as inexperienced as I was. I used to be scared of that dumb stuff coming out his mouth because I feared being dominated. It took a good year of talking about the issues, of me coming more into my own skin and even some emotional separation for him to understand the damage of his behavior on our relationship. Once I laid it out on clear terms how I truly felt, he became so much better in relating to me. I know no man is perfect but if they are serious about wanting to be better men, you’ll see in the way he treats you with honesty BUT care and how he changes his environment. You must have confidence to RESPECTFULLY address ill-mannered behavior and continue to talk to him on what’s really bothering him. There is something else going on in his mind and he’s scared. There is always a fear factor somewhere in there.