Love help: Hello, I need some GREAT advice. - Help.com

if he doesnt want a child, he doesnt want a child. children are a big responsibility. he knows that from experience. if he doesnt want another child but gets one anyway, he may not treat the child as well as he could, cuz like he believes, he may not be able to cope. if he cant cope with it, then he is making the decision to be responsible and prevent the child growing up with a father who cannot cope by not having another one.
he knows how far he can and cannot go, do not force him to go further as it will be a stress on your relationship, and a stress on your lives and the future childs.

you can either live within each others own paramaters or you can slowly tear what you have apart until you have nothing.

This guy has 2 children that no doubt loves very much.He’s confused right know going through what he went through and you have to give him time. Maybe 2 children is all he can handle right know and you need to understand that. Don’t push this issue or the issue of getting married either because he’s afraid of being hurt again and that is going to take time for him to heal and you really need to fully undersatnd that ok. Don’t be in a hurry and I can understand you wanting to have children but he needs time, not pressure ok so just please be patient with him. I hope this helps.

My only problem with this is that he agreed to have another child. How can he just change his mind like that? I really am at a loss here. I don’t want to leave but then at the same time I do want to have a baby one day. (ERNST) when you say to live within eachother’s parameters how can I do that when there are no common boundries here.

BJK60 thank you for your advice I just feel like I might be running out of time since he is 12 1/2 years older then me. Do you think that if I give him time that he will calm down about everything and realize I am not leaving him and I will be there for him? Thanks!

You are welcome. The age difference does not matter ok. Yes I do think that he will calm down and see your point but you also have to remember he does have 2 kids by a previous marriage and look what happened there you know she left him and that’s what he’s afraid of and wants to so much avoid that situation again. He doesn’t want to be hurt anymore. So yes give him time and once he fi9nds out that you’re not pushing the issue and once he feels that your relationship is very secure then he will come around so don’t worry ok. Just give him time and that’s all he needs right know.

if he wants a baby, eventually he will say yes. dont force him. let him know that u ove him andwont leave justcuz he doesnt want a baby.

I am really starting to believe that he just doesn’t know what he wants at this point I guess pressuring him is the wrong thing to do. I will lay off for a little while and see what happens. :-) Thanks to everyone!

I think that the getting married bit is fine. The forcing to have kids bit isn’t. By being married to you, that’s pledging some form of commitment and, with time, he may feel secure enough to have children with you.

The alternative is that you live with him under his roof on his terms, waiting for things to change. And what if they don’t? Fine, getting married to him offers no guarantees, but at least that way you get half of what you want. You’re a human with feelings too and I think you guys need to meet each other half way if you want this to work. Everybody on here is talking about him being miserable…what about your happiness? There are two people in this relationship. That’s just my view anyway and I wish you the best of luck :)

I think that you both need to negotiate and find out where each of you stands on a scale of one to ten (one being not wanting a child at all, ten being desperately wanting a child). If his desire to not have any more children falls on the shorter end of the scale and yours falls higher on the scale, then why should his mild preference override your overwhelming need? Of course there are short-term and long-term consequences to this decision, but ask him: does he regret knowing either of his children? Does he really want to force you to regret not having any and knowing the joy that he has known with his kids?
Your boyfriend is not a bad man for feeling this way and his feelings are valid. But relationships are about give and take, each party making sacrifices. This could be his chance to do something truly wonderful in your life. Having a child is a huge decision for both of you. You both just need to talk about it and find out how important this is to both of you. Good luck!

Moogan!!i love you this is by far the best reply (no offense to all who have helped) you have really brought huge insight into this. i guess with being in the middle of the storm i haven’t had the logic to even try to think of these questions. next time the subject comes up i will definintely bring some light to our conversation. you just made my day! thanks thanks thanks a bunch!!

I’m glad I could help :) I really do wish you the best of luck, and for what its worth, you sound like you’d make a great Mom!

Awwh. I just got teary eyed… ;-)I hope one day I do get the chance to be a mom.

listen it’s hard to be in love with someone and then have something like this in the way .you guys are in love but you have to understand that he is 13 years older then you.Do you have kids ?and even if things look great now and you guys love each other alot you have to think about it .for him it must feel like gound hogs day (the movie) were everything repeats over and over ,you don’t want him to think of your relationship like that but the matter at hand is that we all fall in love we all wants things but we just don’t know how to get what we want so we push and sometimes we push to hard ex;you moved out because you wasn’t getting your way .what you have to notice is that at some point in his life he felt the same way he does for you for his ex wife or ex girlfriend and in the begining there was love and they got married he is afraid of making the same mistake you can’t blame him .why talk about it ..just be together what ever happens down the road then you deal with it when it happens it’s to soon in the relationship to ask for so much remember the kids are still young . if you push him to hard you may lose him because your not understanding him if you love each other and want to be together then youu have to stop and think and no matter how bad you may want everything take it one step at a time show him what type of mother you can be and what type of house wife you could be and in the course of your relationship if you do have a baby within time then maybe by then he wont be thinking the way he is today..

Thank you for your input and help. Your right too I just rush rush and forget to look at what I have. Thanks!

best wishes 2 u and ur love ones

Here’s an idea:
Foster parenting? Your boyfriend wouldn’t have any little baby stuff to deal with, and you’d still have critters running around, and you’d be doing a very good thing for world! :)

This is not easy , I am 41 I have 4 children they are 5,4,3, and 1 year and 9 months in age , I am getting a divorce and would not want more children , sure if I was younger , but thats me , I have 3 girls and 1 boy,I am focusing on them now , you are young and very attractive and its hard to call I can see his point , yet he has to consider your need as well.
Remember though you are not responsible for his happiness and he is not responsible for yours, yet both need to be considerit of each others feeling, its a hard fine line ,, marriage is work especially when there are already children involved, hes needing space he loves you yet he doesnt want more children, but he doesnt want to dissapoint you, not easy, as two adults and truly in love you must ….must disscuss and respect each others feelings, give an take, give him space if he loves you and you him you both need to be on the same page to make the correct decisions , he doesnt want to get burned again or loose you tuff for him.
What you both need is to pray about it
Take care