friends help: Hi. - Help.com

No, the rose wasnt sent to call me down. he had had the rose delivered earlier in the day. The waitress was supposed to give it to me as soon as i got there to soundcheck but she didnt. When my boyf got to the venue, he didnt know i hadnt received it or anything like that.his first inclination was to go and have a drink and not even come and see me in person to say happy birthday! he came up like half an hour later.my point is, whats the point of romantic gestures and written words, when you yourself cant be bothered to make yourself present?

Hmm…Okay, I’m going to be blunt here. The kind of behaviour you just described is something that I would expect a boyfriend to do if we’d been rowing. That’s to say that he was still pretty narked off with you about something, had no great desire to come along to your concert as a result, but had to begrudgingly drag himself there because it was your birthday. Any other ‘normal’ person, would have been brimming over with excitement to see you, and definitely have come up to see you as soon as they got there, unless it was a surprise and they didn’t want you to know that they were there (which doesn’t seem to be the case here).

Hey, I think you guys need to perhaps go away somewhere together (even for a weekend), spend some time alone, away from the stresses of life, to just talk and reconnect. Life is too short to waste arguing with loved ones.

Hope this helps,
Farah :)

Thanks farrah,i see what you’re saying.
we often talk about getting away, but its just not possible at the moment. I guess the thing that im most angry about is that although we were both upset, it was him who had originally hurt me. I just felt that he should have put his own feelings to the side seeing as he was the one upsetting me in the first place. Its just a constant war. I cant help comparing him to the way ive dealt with things as well. He had really hurt me, but when his birthday came up, i put my feelings to the side, arranged an elaborate surprise for him, really went all out. The most he managed for me was turning up. He’s the one who hurt me!

Hey, I hear what you’re saying, really I do. I think that for this relationship to go anywhere, you’re going to have to try to ‘wipe the slate clean’ so to speak and start from scratch…where nobody is at fault. When you took him back, maybe his guilt would have made him treat you better for a bit, but things would eventually settle to normality and this is to be expected.

Maybe he feels that your expectations are driving him away. Like, if a guy thinks that whatever they do for you, you won’t be happy, it could just lead them to make no effort whatsoever.

It is essentially a communication breakdown and I do genuinely believe that the birthday events were because he was angry. And please remember that people deal with their anger in different ways. You’re a more rational person in your anger and can put your feelings aside, but not everybody is built that way.

All of this aside, if you rip all of the layers off, I’m sure that there is love there somewhere. You’re just not being able to express it because of all of the distance and ill-feelings. You definitely need to spend more time together, whether it’s just spending the weekend together in your town and going places together to figure out what’s going wrong and attempt to reconnect.

Conversely, it could be that after spending time together, you both realise how genuinely different you are. You’re only 22, so remember you’re still developing and evolving as a person. Your likes and needs can change with that too. It could just be that you’ve grown apart, in which case, it may feel right to end things. I wouldn’t give up at this stage though; I think there’s still room for things to get better.

Hope this helps in any case. I wish you the very best of luck and hope that things work out for the both of you.
Farah :)

You know what Farrah.
What you’ve said is so spot on. The reason i came on help.com and wrote this all down is to get it off my chest and also because i guess in a way, i needed someone to confirm what i already know. He actually voiced to me once that he felt that no matter what he says or does it wont do anything.

We do really love each other,but he’s hurt me on many occassions. He hasnt just hurt me emotionally, but he’s hurt my pride and my ego. I am a Leo through and through and i just cant get past my anger. What i want from him is to realise where he’s gone wrong and try and understand for himself and for me, why he did those things. But he’s not doing it, his way to deal with things is to bob around the issues and just ignore them, kiss me on the cheek and move on. I seem to do that. I honestly dont now how to let go of the anger i feel. At one point i said to him, i dont think i can stop being angry, so we should just end it. even though i know lifes to short etc and that ultimately i love him, i just cant stop being angry! i feel like going to a hypnotist and getting them to rub it out of my memory!

sorry about my spelling and grammar mistakes! ive been typing fast!

Well, spend time with him and talk to him. If you can’t talk to him, then send him a long email or write him a long letter. Either way, you need to tell him what you’re feeling. And you don’t need to be nasty about it; admit to him that you are finding it hard to control your anger and that you love him and need to find a way to move forward together. Get it all out, structure it well and then leave it with him. That way, he can’t say that you didn’t try to make things work.

Spend time with him, do nice things for him. That may make him feel guilty and bring him around to talking to you all by himself.

Don’t argue and be petty with him; realise when you’re doing it and stop. Life’s too short. Oh, and I REALLY don’t blame you for any of this; it does seem that he’s being unresponsive. You’re the mature one here though, so look at things rationally, and try to bring an order back to things. Looking back, I wished I had never argued with my husband, really. We can’t bring time back and life is too short to argue, especially with our loved ones. Try your best to resolve things, and if you can’t well then you can at least move on knowing that you tried your best.

Hope this helps,
Farah :)

Im so sorry about your husband.Hearing that he was your soulmate and that you lost him actually wrenches my gut a bit.the thought of losing mine is almost too much and therefore i cant really continue speaking about this.

I’ve been trying for the last 7 months to let go of my anger. sometimes it subsides, then it comes back with a vengeance. Ill get there in the end, its worth it.
you mentioned in another post about having to stay inside because of a mourning period. I didnt know about that, what is it about? My best friend who ive lived next door to all my life is muslim so i know most of the customs and practices of Islam, but i didnt know about this.

Hey, no worries. We all have our tests in life and this is mine. We all get angry; that’s what makes us human. When this happened out of the blue and so suddenly, I realised the proximity of death. It has really made me change so many things about my outlook on life and friends, etc..

The mourning period is called Iddat…here’s a quote relating to it:

“A woman should not mourn for any deceased person for more than three days, except in the case of her husband’s death, which she may mourn for a period of four months and ten days. Such a woman (in mourning) is not to wear any(brightly) colored dress. She may wear only plain dress. During this period she should not use any adornment or eye makeup, nor wear any perfume, nor dye her hands and feet with
henna, nor comb her hair…”

I have about four weeks to go…he died on the 14th of November, so my Iddat ends on the 24th of March…this period is actually longer than my marriage to him, which is quite upsetting.

I really do wish you the best of luck…do keep me posted on how things go…Oh, and do remember us when you’re rich and famous with your girlband!!

Love n hugs,
Farah :)

P.S. Feel free to shout me anytime

Wow.

You know i find that really amazing. You definately do have some interesting things to write about. Maybe you could have kept a journal from this iddat period, it would be amazing to look back on, and also maybe for your favourite writer (who im hoping you will definately meet up with). Im a singer/songwriter, but its the writing side that has been the one constant through my whole life.

I dont know, maybe its because this is in writing, but you seem very together.it seems like you’re coping so well and so positively.
Are you ok?

Love,

Anita x

P.s Have you really not combed your hair? you wouldnt want to see me when i havent combed my hair! (sorry,that may be in bad taste, but i have coarse curly, it’d be pretty scary!)

Hey Lola,

Thanks for your comments.

I think that you’re extremely perceptive; I hadn’t noticed it myself until you pointed it out. God has truly been kind to me these past few days, as I can’t explain what’s happened, but I’m just not tending to think about things. I’ve just been getting on with things and haven’t cried, or anything. I even talked through the accident with a friend; how his car fell off the bridge and how his body was recovered from the river many hours later. The fact that I could talk about that without tears streaming down my face is a big achievement. I really think that this website has helped :)

LOL re: combing hair! My hair is quite long, but oddly enough I never combed it anyway. I just blow-dry it, then straighten it if I have time or just tie it into a pony tail/bun like in the pic…it’s fine I think. But now you mention it, my hair has been falling out quite a lot and that may be something to do with it?!

See how funny life is? I came on here to help you and you ended up helping me :)

Do add me to your friends list and please feel free to shout me whenever…I’ve really enjoyed chatting to you and really pray that things work out for you.

Love n hugs,
Farah :)

Hey!

I dont feel that i’ve helped you at all!

But its weird, i have enjoyed chatting to you :-)

How old are you Farrah?

By the way, today i went and met my boyf after he finished work, thought id put some effort in. I didnt think too hard, i just enjoyed myself, first step towards letting go of my anger :-)

Its funny, i would never have chatted online to anyone before. how it started was id had a really long day with the band, we’d done a photoshoot which we had organised and put together from concept to realisation and the photographer had really messed us about.
It was like the millionth time someone had messed us about (its just that kind of industry) i had just had it. So i sat down with my laptop in front of me, and i just typed “help” into google. And this site came up! how crazy is that!!

Ok ill add you to my friends now, speak to you soon

x
p.s my name is Anita :-)