Need help with and criticism for the lyrics to this song I wrote.
‘What Do I Have to Give?’
(Verse I)
I’ll be your knight in shining armor
but I can’t ride a horse.
I’ll be your pioneer
but I don’t know the course.
I’ll be your handsome stranger
but I haven’t got a gun.
I’ll be your liberator
but I don’t know how to run.
No I don’t know how to run.
(Chorus)
And is it time for me
to pack my things and go?
Or can I still have
the girl who I love so?
Is it time for us
to go our separate ways?
Or do you and I
have just a few more days?
(Verse II)
I’ll be your supervisor
but I don’t have any work.
I’ll be the lone survivor
of all of this, I’m sure.
I’ll be your Elvis Presley
but I am no king.
I’ll be your wishing genie
but I can’t give you anything.
No I can’t give you anything.
***
I’d like help specifically on the second verse as it seems a bit weak. Also, I wonder if I should add some sort of bridge to it or just leave it as a two verse song.
Unsurprisingly, I wrote it because of and for a girl.
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The Astro-Man changed the tags on this post: they were "elvis presley, Blues, Horse, Bridge, Love, Knight, genie, girl, armour, Day" 9 months, 2 weeks ago.
The Astro-Man edited this post 9 months, 2 weeks ago. Read the previous text »
I would like someone to look over this blues song I wrote and give me any constructive criticism on its structure, form, etc.
‘What Do I Have to Give?’
(Verse I)
I’ll be your knight in shining armor
but I can’t ride a horse.
I’ll be your pioneer
but I don’t know the course.
I’ll be your handsome stranger
but I haven’t got a gun.
I’ll be your liberator
but I don’t know how to run.
No I don’t know how to run.
(Chorus)
And is it time for me
to pack my things and go?
Or can I still have
the girl who I love so?
Is it time for us
to go our separate ways?
Or do you and I
have just a few more days?
(Verse II)
I’ll be your supervisor
but I don’t have any work.
I’ll be the lone survivor
of all of this, I’m sure.
I’ll be your Elvis Presley
but I am no king.
I’ll be your wishing genie
but I can’t give you anything.
No I can’t give you anything.
***
I’d like help specifically on the second verse as it seems a bit weak. Also, I wonder if I should add some sort of bridge to it or just leave it as a two verse song.
Unsurprisingly, I wrote it because of and for a girl.
Forsaken Reject
The Astro-Man edited this post 9 months, 2 weeks ago. Read the previous text »
I would like someone to look over these lyrics to a blues song I wrote and give me any constructive criticism on its structure, form, etc.
‘What Do I Have to Give?’
(Verse I)
I’ll be your knight in shining armor
but I can’t ride a horse.
I’ll be your pioneer
but I don’t know the course.
I’ll be your handsome stranger
but I haven’t got a gun.
I’ll be your liberator
but I don’t know how to run.
No I don’t know how to run.
(Chorus)
And is it time for me
to pack my things and go?
Or can I still have
the girl who I love so?
Is it time for us
to go our separate ways?
Or do you and I
have just a few more days?
(Verse II)
I’ll be your supervisor
but I don’t have any work.
I’ll be the lone survivor
of all of this, I’m sure.
I’ll be your Elvis Presley
but I am no king.
I’ll be your wishing genie
but I can’t give you anything.
No I can’t give you anything.
***
I’d like help specifically on the second verse as it seems a bit weak. Also, I wonder if I should add some sort of bridge to it or just leave it as a two verse song.
Unsurprisingly, I wrote it because of and for a girl.
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