hey, if you ever need help thats what were here for, is this is ur first time using the help.com site?
well, it’s a great site, i don’t know where i would be if it weren’t for this place.
hope we can help!
much love :)
people care man, they just are afraid to show it most of the time. I found this website the same way. =)
lol it sounds like an interesting idea for a website
its a great place, theres ppl here who talk about everything, from financial problems, to school, to suicidal thoughts.. everything is open on here, no one gets judged and some of the advice given is really great
People do care Sadly life is so complicated now that we all feel disconnected
People are really hurting these days i feel it everywhere. It is hard to reach out to others when you yourself are in need of help. But it does help. try to reach out to someone who could benefit from your experiences. Sorry I can’t help you with your immediate problems i wish you well
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jejs199 wrote:
so for the logest time i’ve always thought there was someone out there who would help me one day if I was ever in desperate need.
Are you in desparate need?
xedarvipe
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US | 9 months, 2 weeks ago (25 minutes after post)
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yeah, lol well I dont know how else to start talking about my problem than to blunt about it…
I have a real brain buster for you guys out there. My dad had me with some girl in college on accident, but decided they’d try to follow through with it. Then after I was born my dads sister found out and told her parents. The parents would not happy, and became worried about what was in store for me. My dad told his parents he would keep me, and raise me with the girl, he wouldnt give me up. They offered to take me for him instead, and he readily refused. But when my mom heard she signed the papers as soon as she could.
I dont know how my dad thought about that at the time, but in one way or another he handed me over anyways… I grew up with my grandparents, Without knowing anything about my real dad, I learned to call him my brother. then one of my cousins, who always looked down on me for reasons oblivious to me told me something I thought was very strange. Supposedly my mom and dad werent really my biological parents. Instead my very own loving brother, who had always spent so much time with me, was really my father. After i asked my grandparents, I learned it was really true. My brother stopped talking to me. I felt neglected.
when I turned 12 my dad was STILL in college, getting his doctorates, “I guess thats whats most Important to him” I told myself. during his last year in college he met a woman, who the following year, he married. I thought “i’m so happy for him”.
then the next year they had a girl. when we were at the hospital he was so happy. I dont know why but this really hurt. They kept her and on top of that they then had a boy. I was crushed. Everytime i saw him and his perfect family i felt so empty on the inside, but i could never bring myself to tell him how much it hurt… I just kept a smile on. I tried moving on, but there was always one thing holding me back. that aching feeling that there I was not good enough for him. “in what ways”? I decided, to make myself better in all aspects so i could prove to him I was worth his time. Aperently having such him as a role model proved to pay off in the long run because i FOund love by doing the exact opposite of what he did, I cared for a girl who had also felt neglect.
I love her, and I dont want her feel that same empty feeling that neglect brings ever again. Thats what i told myself, but once again, That feeling of never being good enough struck, and I was unable to push the relationship forward, for fear that I wasnt good enough for her.
Now shes suffering because she thinks I dont care anymore, Im just as bad as he is, for doing this to her, hurting her again, and again, just by not doing enough to show I care. now I’ve ran out of ideas and I just really need some outside help. I figured if you didnt know the background, you wouldnt be able to assese the situation.
p.s. sorry for writing so much lol
You can try your luck at online charities like Digital Charity, people may send donations if your story is convincing enough. More information at http://www.laodn.org/
lol im not looking for money, as a matter of fact my grand parents that i wrote about as rich, thats probly why my dad thought it’d be better to leave me with them.
lol god **** i sound emo
****
xedarvipe
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US | 9 months, 2 weeks ago (40 minutes after post)
It just seem like there isn’t a lot of commucation going on…
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As far as how your growing-up relationships affect your current dating games, I don’t know — it’s natural to see many patterns, but that may not be the most forward moving thing.
This part, though…
I was crushed. Everytime i saw him and his perfect family i felt so empty on the inside, but i could never bring myself to tell him how much it hurt… I just kept a smile on.
You’re in a fairly unique circumstance. I don’t know why they hid the truth from you, but you don’t have to hide yours from them. It might help to find some way to tell them how you feel.
thats true, but i dont know
everytime im about to put it to words, I feel like telling them would only prove to my dad exactly what a waste of time I am to him.
right now im in a very strange perspective after writing up my lifes story, but i dont know how random onlookers feel about this. Hell i dont even know how I feel about it anymore. so I guess im just gonna change this post from a plea for help into a poll lol.
how does my story make you feel?
I want to know this so maybe I can see how I should feel right now because,frankly, Ijust dont feel sad, angry, or happy about this anymore… I’m just here. I feel like an outsider just observing my surrounding and not having a single clue what to make out of it.
jejs199 wrote:
right now im in a very strange perspective after writing up my lifes story, but i dont know how random onlookers feel about this.
Yeah, I don’t know, I think people are asleep. But that’s what I see: There’s a person, his life story, his birth-family thing, his girl-friend thing. And it’s well communicated, so I’d guess he could tell his story effectively to the family and the girlfriend. One difference is that you’re not yet blaming us for anything so it’s really easy to read (if not particularly to help with.)
okay, the parent thing:
You could try writing, and skip the blaming parts to see if you can simply communicate that you’ve been hurt by their actions, whether they meant to hurt you or not. There might be a way. And they really might have no clue whatsoever.
the girlfriend thing:
um, buy her a rose and chocolate every day? girls are a mystery whether you got raised right or not.
the self-esteem thing: you can’t be good enough by trying to be good enough if it’s all about people not valuing you as who you are or yourself not accepting yourself.
lol you’re a really helpful person,honestly
but what am I blaming?
Well, saying that how you relate to your girlfriend has everything to do with how you grew up (kind of saying, “It’s my dad’s fault for making me feel so worthless, so now I have to feel worthless and screw up this relationship.”)
i guess thats true, I havent really looked at it in that light. i’ll try that i suppose. Actually for the past week I’ve been trying to gather up enough courage to call my dad ask him what he sees when he looks at me(you know if you see an old friend, you mental think,”old friend” or something like that, or If you look at your hero you might think “person i look up to, or adore”).
lol so i dont know why of all things I want to ask him, why that, just that?
I begged my parents to tell me who they saw me as, like what’s my life story to them. And they were like, “What’s in it for us? (to tell you anything.)” Asking for anything, especially some important feedback can really set you up for disappointment if you don’t get it.
you’re right, but what if I dont know what I’m looking for?
Hey there,
I’m still awake, though shouldn’t be as it’s 1.40am here, lol!
Okay, well I’ve read through your posts and Michael’s responses -great responses there by the way Michael - and here’s what I honestly feel:
- This is weird, because you’re kind of stuck in a half-way house. Your father essentially gave you up for adoption, though not to anybody external, just to his own parents. I wonder whether, had you been adopted by an external family, you would have been happier at this juncture? I think you may have been less confused, but I still think that you would have felt slightly rejected when you found out the truth.
- Please realise that none of this was planned or drawn up to scheme against you. It appears to just be the way that things have panned out. He couldn’t look after you, therefore his parents did. At least you were ‘kept in the family’ so to speak, as opposed to being given up for adoption externally, so for that you can’t feel entirely rejected.
- That said, your brother being your dad is a messed up situation. I don’t understand why, if he was living with you anyway, he couldn’t have just lived with you as a dad and not a brother (or at least made himself known earlier on) Perhaps his parents made him do that? Do you know all the facts as to how this came about? It’s really not pleasant.
- Yes, you’re right to feel cheated out of a family, and it would mess me up to no end to see my father enjoying family life without me. You asked for honesty, so here it is: I’d feel embarrassed and like an outsider in you situation. Like I didn’t quite fit in and had been swept aside.
What would I do? Well, I’d be furious with my dad, and looking at him would remind me of the rejection and make me feel bad, so I’d avoid him. Yes, I think that you should write him a long letter about how he’s made you feel; this is your right. And then just leave him to ponder over it, really.
And as for your girlfriend, well, Michael put it nicely. You shouldn’t think about what happened to you in the past affecting this relationship now. The more you think along those lines, the more unsuccessful you become. If she says that you don’t show her your love enough, then here are some ideas:
- Spend lots of time alone with her.
- Always be there for her, smile and tell her how beautiful she is.
- Always hold her hand and kiss her and tell her how special she is.
- Cut out the background distractions and just focus on her and what she’s saying.
- Tell her how lucky you are and be there for her anytime she needs you.
- Hold her in your arms, lie in her lap; when you’re around her, be close to her.
- Surprise her with things. Once when we’d had a little row, my hubby came home with cuts on his fingers. I’d always remarked how beautiful these weeds were that grew on the roadside, so he’d plucked some out for me and surprised me with them. That’s the most beautiful thing that anybody did for me; it didn’t cost a thing yet it was so effective.
- Put her before yourself and always be a gentleman. Hey, don’t be a push-over either; you’re not her slave, just somebody who loves her loads! :P If you truly love her, then her being happy would make you happy, right?
Apologies for the length of this response. I really feel for you and I pray that things work out for you. Please feel free to add me as a friend and/ or shout me anytime.
Hugs,
Farah :)
thank you mike and farah for the support, and u know i have a really screwed up relationship with my dad, I cant help but think its too cruel. I would have reather taken that instant feeling of rejection I would have received if i had be placed outside of the family, I would have moved on from it faster. But I think overall I’ve become a better person then he’ll ever be by having such a horrible role model at my disposal to NOT follow.
and although I havent talked to her in depth about it recently I still try to spend every ounce of my energy helping her, at the moment though thats also minimal since she barely talks to me, and tells me how shes doing right now. shes going through some very simular issues i have as well so she sort of understands why we’re both “in the doldrums” but I’m too stuck on this, I feel really selfish that I’m not there for her and that hurts more than what I have to deal with at home.
lol thanks you again guys,seriously, and mike I talked with my grandparents about how I feel already, Now I just need to gather up the courage to get up in my dads face. lol wish me luck!
Hey cool, you’re welcome…you do have some really clear thinking about your life, I’m sure it’ll work out fine. What did your “parents”/”grandparents” say about it all? Had you ever really talked with them about it before?
yeah I talked to them about it after I got on here, lol it give me any answers I was looking for, or a solution, my grandpa was oblivous to what I was trying to get accross the whole time, and my grandma kept taking my dads side saying that he’s be struggling this whole time too. lol I just laughted at that. But I got it out there so im feeling a little more sane now. I havent talked to my dad about it. lol I still cant decide what I want to do.
So you have step-siblings… actually, other than the crazy emotional complications (which I’d be scared when trying to talk about too), you have a pretty neat situation, layers of relationships and you got to be raised by someone who was older, wiser, and had much more experience. You know how grandparents are with grandkids out in the world? They say they spoil them, but really the grandparents are looking at some higher level of miracle than their own kids, like a miracle of miracles, so they have intense love. That’s how it seems to me. Be careful and good luck if you try talking this all out with your brother/father.
yeah I dont totally understand alot of people my age because I think more like an adult, being raised by pparents that are so much older, thanks though I’llgive it a shot some time soon.
I need help I’ve lost my job months ago and now live with my son he drinks so much. and when I try to talk to him about it he wants me out. I have no place to go I have been looking for work but I was in an accident and lost most of my teeth I look like **** I have never looked this bad. I refuse to go out of the house. all I do is fight and fight maybe just ending it is the answer i wish i had a place of my own, teeth so i can get that job i need so much. I am an office worker / manager never will be again not looking like this.my car sits there with 4 flats no battery and he tells me get a ******* and get it fixed. how the hell can i do that.
Sorry I have no one to talk thanks for listening bye
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Anonymous
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8 months, 3 weeks ago (3 weeks after post)
Redbeach…I’m sorry to hear of your problem…I recommend you go to the help.com home page and create a new post…this will maximise your replies.
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