Dissonance from innocence (I miss you)
I miss you.
Tranquil and well, waiting in anticipation for you at the tram stop,
Spying movement - waving of hands, signaling me from across the pavement,
Grapsing happiness for a few fleeting minutes,
You are happy to see me.
“Hello”
Every second of eye-contact and interaction becomes a painfully wasted chance to acquire what I need to not feel ruined within the next six hours.
Knowledge of the events that will come to pass in the future held defeatedly inside of my head,
Horribly aware that this buzz is only a fragile temporary excuse for well-being,
Disapointment inevitable - If only I was more attractive.
I don’t feel like a man - Genderless, lacking masculinity and essential qualities.
I could not protect you from much.
I could comfort you from everything.
Impossible and illogical to blame you entirely for not trying - when I have already decided for you, “I am not good enough.”
Every action made defeatedly,
I was always entirely ruined - the very moment that I put on my clothes.
“I look disgusting.”
Where are you? Slightly alternative wavelengths to mine,
I look forward to feeling someone parallel to me,
I want so desperately to understand and indulge in that ultimate electricity. I have imagined it all limitless times.
Missing a piece of the puzzle that makes me up - I am silently screaming out for another to fill the void and fill me with a warmth and comfort that I am dying of without.
I miss you.
Innocence and dissonance,
Hardly in harmony - The opposite,
I regret and perhaps partly wish that I had corrupted myself quite a time ago,
Jumped straight into the deep end - I could have healed, I could have learned more, instead of envisioning and wondering.
I want to know what it feels like.
Though it forms a wall that runs right through me - Because I am convinced that unless I am independant, I am weak,
I absolutely need you to validate me.
My thoughts on myself, instantly - Weak, repulsive, odd, undesirable.
Overly unkissed and harshly, but fairly ignored,
Introduce to me what I am missing,
Speak a flowchart of meaingful words that move me,
Shock me to the core.
An unseen property - motivation,
It all goes to waste in this loveless day to day canundrum that is the space I am imbedding my legacy into,
You know, I can still remember..
Your silence is shattering and thunderous, it destroys me,
Yet any pain I feel does not stir up anything useful,
Understanding, empathy and compassion cancels that out - My abilities are limited.
I could not protect you from much.
I could comfort you from everything.
I could love you with everything.
This open post was written 9 months, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 282, 15, 9 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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