life help: I am bi-polar, depressed, borderline personality disordered or whatever. - Help.com

I am bi-polar, depressed, borderline personality disordered or whatever.

I am so sick of the way I think. I am never good enough. No I do ever gets anywhere. I am angry at my parents. I have an amazing spouse who was the first to teach me unconditional love, but the life damage is done and the patterns are real. I am in such a cage. I feel guilty for not taking all my gifts and talents and creating an amazing person with an amazing life with them. I have wanted or tried to die several times but it’s just annoyingbecause I am too smart for that. I have children who need me and that would destroy them. But, how can I go another day waiting to tackle the beast hoping someone will help me out. I know where it comes from, I know why I do it. I have no idea how to be or think anything else though.

Im sure I need medication this time. All my efforts in the past led to such sickness and discomfort I dont stick it out. I have almost been institutionalized a couple of times. I might need that. I have grown up a bit and dont drink or go crazy with anything. I dont “act out” anymore. The one thing I do do is eat. I hate food, but it is like a drug for me. My small 61″ frame has gone from a trim military fit 112lbs to a workout pants only mushy 138lbs body. Its disgusting. I try to diet and fail all the time because the need for the buzz wins over. I read a great book by Rachel Reiland about borderlin personality disorder titled ” Get Me Out of Here” It was my life to a t. She was able to succeed though. She was a successful anorexic and a successful over achiever. But me, I just do nothing out of fear that I will sabotage it or fail anyway. Im not good enough.

Sorry. This is depressing. I am depressed. I am chemically wrong inside my head. I am tired of 27 years of surviving. I feel like I do whatever I can to keep treading water, but now its more than to a head. I already lost my job as a high paid military security officer, due to a panic attack I couldnt control with a loaded gun at my side. We almost lost our house, but I got unemployment and some neighbors have me watch their kids a few days a week. What a crazy person like me is doing watching people’s kids I just dont know. My own kids are well behaved and easy to take care of thankfully.

I was put out of the military as a Chinese Linguist because of my instability. I do speak Chinese which is a plus. But I couldnt finish what I started. I dont care why me. I dont really care about much, just people I know who are safe and wont hurt me. Im not talking to my mom, because she doesnt respect my boundaries. She is never wrong and will even make up stories to be right. It is a heavy burden to never be good enough for your parents. They dont know me because they only see and hear what they want to. When I speak they dont listen. I dont want their money or anything. I just want parents who arent plastic and who will see me as I am.

Most people would look at my life and think wow she has been through alot. Abuse, divorce, neglect, injuries, health issues, betrayal. But thats only if they knew it all. I should write a book. That would horrify my mom, to show the world the truth about our family. Otherwise people would see the outside, the plastic side I am really good at showing. My family all dressed for church looking smart and puttogther. Great house three cars, goodlooking accept the I am fat part, but I can smile and go around looking pretty happy. My own family life is good, It’s really good I guess. Kids are great, husband is super supportive. We spent the first couple years of marriage roughing out the edges we hit straight on. Now, we talk respectfully and directly with each other. We are fircely loyal to each other and best friends. Ive been exceptional at attracking abusive relationships, but when my husband now showed up in my life, it was something different.

We have a coveted relationship. I am just difficult. I am not ok and dont know how to become so. I can cover up, hide tears, fake a smile for my kids and neighbors

I havent found a therapist who will be the one to stick with me through the long haul. The one to show me a new way to think. When I read a self help book or force the willpower to get out and run again, it only goes so far until a relapse and a bigger crash.

Is anyone else suffering from a mood disorder?

This open post was written 9 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 839, 16, 9 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

book, Plastic, Watch, life, Family, house, Head, military, Person, Personality disorder, bi-polar, borderline personality, depression (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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