Love help: My wife is depressed and it is having a bad effect upon our relationship. - Help.com

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i suffer from depression.. and take anti depressants.. they dont dope you up. it helps you deal.. it gives you your emotions back.. and make them controllable..

I hear a lot about people becoming addicted to medication, that worries me more than losing her
I miss her so much and yet she is in the next room.

I would strongly suggest getting her help. The role of therapy and/or medication is not to ‘reinforce’ depression, it is to treat it. I too have had bouts with depression and use anti-depressants lil_bit_shi is right, if properly prescribed it adds to your life. As for the fears you have regarding ‘addicted’ for many of the medications there is very low risk of that and for some others the risk is a bit higher, but it’s definitely worth discussing with the doctor. Have you broached the subject of therapy with her?

depression is a chemical imbalance.. and the meds help stabalize those imbalances.. i have been on mine for several years now.. but with out them.. i have a what ever attitude.. and i could careless about anything or anyone… including myself… plus all i do is cry… cry over the stupidest stuff… its not addicting.. its help… and a depressed person that has no feelings or cant seem to find them… really should look into getting help… even if she doesnt get on medication.. therapy might be the key as well.. so that she may seek out what is really truly bothering her deep down..

How would i broach the subject of ’speaking to a doctor’ without causing offence. she is fragile at the moment and i am walking on broken glass.

do some research about depression… print some things out for her to read… or get her to do some research with you…

It can be a tough conversation to have no doubt. Have you spoken to her at all about how her mood and demeanor have been, how tough it is for you to see her like that and how much you want to help? Ultimately, the decision is hers and perhaps if you let her know that and that regardless of what she decides to do you will love her and care for her but that perhaps seeing a doctor could help.

Let her know how much you love her and want to go to couples therapy to help you two reconnect. Maybe then the therapist will help her see what she cannot and possibly get her involved in some other kind of one on one therapy without medication. Her and that therapist can decide if medication is best for her at that time.

Don’t go at her like it’s me vs. you or that she has a problem. You have a “we” “us” problem. You need her effort to help your relationship with her.

I am trying so hard to be all she wants me to be, i am trying so hard to understand, i am trying so hard to be patient and i am trying so hard to be supportive, but sometimes it is hard and i fail.
I love her so much and it breaks my heart to see how lost she is.

Some things that she says wound me to my soul and i recover
I look into her eyes and see a blank,empty,broken,sad response.

I miss her so much.

Do you see that you need help too? Behaving like a victim and enabling her is not going to help her get through this. She needs you to be strong, not a push over.

Sometimes all those things aren’t enough, sometimes we all need a little bit more help. But it’s important to keep in mind that if it is depression, you ‘being all she wants you to be’ will not make the depression go away. She needs to get to the core of what’s causing her to feel the way she does and you have to want and believe that you need her to be that way because you can’t keep yourself in a situation where she says things that hurt you that badly. That’s not healthy for you either.

Is depression so powerful that a person can loose interest in someone they love?
I mean LOVE.
and if they have lost that interest can it return?

Is a statement like “i no longer like me, you or us and i no longer care about anything, i dont know why” the kind of thing a depressed person would say?

I would say that is certainly something that someone who is depressed would say but I also think it may be important for you to keep in mind if there are issues with the relationship and how she feels about you, there may not be much you can do to ‘fix’ that. But more than anything and before anything can happen with the relationship, she needs to figure out what is going on with her and start to work on it. But ALL of those things would be great things to discuss with a therapist and there is no shame in that. I think we can all use some good therapy! :)

want the whole story?
it could take a while to type…

If you want to share it, go right ahead. That’s what this site is for and that’s why people come here - to help and get help.

we have been married for 6 years.
I was accepted on a course at work and it involved a lot of my time, i had to juggle course work, practical exams and constant demands at work for performance related results. i entered the course in order to improve our circumstances.
I spent up to 5 hours each night working on various projects and assignments with the same goal, improve our life.
My wife has never wanted children (a phobia i think)and yet in 2006 she fell pregnant, we where over joyed and phoned everyone (oh happy days) a bit later she had doubts and fears, virtual panic attacks
she had a miscarriage and suffered with her health for a while, i worried about her, but figured it was better unsaid (foolish male)
Life continued

My course neared the end and the pressures became diffrent, i was recieving no recognition at work and there was no sign of the promised improvements, it turned out that i was just bieng impatient.

My wife fell pregnant, and i said the stupidest thing i have ever said
” whatever you decide to do i will back you 100%”
She had a termination. (oh foolish man)

There is a third string to this bow, her best friend and business partner has been conducting an affair for the last 8-9 months
I knew about it (close family ties) and watched over the time as my wife covered for her etc.
I saw how it affected her (she strongly believes in honesty and trust) she was in an akward position.

When her depression hit and she declared that she had doubts about our relationship and our love i instantly linked the two things (mind is the worst enemy) and went into a kind of slump, i believed thaqt she had met someone else and that this was her way of saying it…… she hasnt
(oh foolish man)

it is 2 months on and she even has trouble hugging me, although we cuddle when we sleep
In the morning it takes about 10 minutes for her to remember to be horrible hehe.
I love those minutes in my day.

since then i have been offered 2 new roles at work one pays £40k and one £45k per year…
The rewards are there, but i dont want them, i did it for us not me and she doesnt care….
sound depressed?

She has to go to get help. She has to have a correct diagnosis. What if she has a mood disorder? She needs the proper medication to deal and then the time it takes to learn coping skills and to get o the root of problems. Counselors are great they are totally neutral.

My husband sees a counselor because I am bi-polar and I am hard to understand even though he loves me more than anything.

Well everything you are saying to me is classic signs of depression.

Unfortunately i do think that this is something she does suffer with. Its something so many people do though nowadays. The numbers are suprising.

The good news is, there is so much help out there. You could try talking to her..say how much you love her and you want to see her happy again because she deserves it and it hurts you to see her hurt. You could suggest going to the doctor, telling him how she feels and seeing what he/she says. You can offer to be there with her or she can go alone.

Make it clear that you are there to support her.

You are going to be rejected, and knocked back a hundred times or more. Its part of the illness. But know this, depressed or not. If your wife didn’t love you she wouldnt be there with you. There is hope. Hang in there

raver barbie thank you for the last bit (and the rest as well) when i look into her eyes i see all the bad , but because i love her i also see the light it is just so far away
I miss her so much

If i thought it would make her smile i would go live in a field…

There is obviously A LOT of stuff going on there and I definitely think there is much that she has to deal with (and you may have some too.) Depression or a mood disorder are most definite possibilities. And any issues with your relationship can’t be addressed really until she starts to do that. It’s only at that point that you can both start to determine whether she feels the depression because of how she feels about the marriage or whether the depression is what is causing her doubts in the marriage.

I know how my mind works and my worry is that my fears etc will turn to resentment (i.e if she doesnt love me why should i love her etc)

I fight this daily.
i sent her a text from work this morning
” you are so beautiful, my wifey x, have a good day”

she replied
“k”
4 hrs later

it makes work hard, i know i expect too much.
I could suffer from depression with this senario but i refuse to let it happen.
I force myself back off the floor each and everyday and greet her with a smile and a cup of tea, and the offer of a hug.
it is all usually rejected or begrudged.

I will do this for 1000 years if i know that she is coming back.
i just need her to stop running away…..

I would endure this for 1000 years if i just THOUGHT she MIGHT come back
I miss my wifey

i just read the story of your relationship.. with the loss of a child… in any situation.. this can be a really large toll on her emotionally… even though she herself never wanted children.. first of all.. has she been checked by a doctor to make sure there are no cysts and other complications going on inside of her.. causing her to miscarry? another as well.. if she is not into breaking trust and her friend was having her lie to her.. maybe… just maybe… she is having a trust issue of her own.. with out you knowing about it… maybe she believes that if her own friend could do it.. and get away with it… you too could actually be able to do it… even though you are there wanting her love… she could actually be trying to push you away because deep down.. she is believing that anyone could do it and get away with it.. try to buy some flowers, cook her a romantic dinner, go to a movie… just take time out for the two of you… and do something special… even if its once a week… just to show her.. that you are trying.. and that you are faithful and want only her… see if this will make a difference…

I love the support you are willing to give your wife and it definetly sounds like she needs it. It sounds like she is suffering from major depression. I have suffered from this for about a year now and am still playing with the meds to find the right combo. My husband sounds alot like you. He wanted to help but didn’t know how until one day he sat me down and told me how much he missed my smile. He also said he would love me no matter what I decided to do but he thought we should see someone to help our marriage. How could I resist. Try it it might show her how she does have your uncondtional love. Tell her she needs to her well being first. She needs totalk to someone without worrying about hurting thier feelings. She needs to know thaqt she is important to not only you but to GOD. Hope it helps.

I was depressed for several months. Your wife is much braver in communicating her pain than me. I just wanted to end it all. I considered help, pills, anything. However, to help my father fend off Alzheimers, I bought Folic Acid for him and started taking it myself. None of my problems have gone away, just the depression. It even seems to help my father. Folic acid, B6 and B12 will probably not hurt anyone and would be worth a try to keep from having to take pills. Just a thought. 800 mcg of folic acid a day.

Depression is hard. I deal with it, and my relationship im currently in has sufford a trmendious amount. you have to be there for her and remind her. with me, its very hard to comtrol my emotions, and i act out but i don’t feel it. you just have to be there for her. and it is very hard and you feel like just giving up. DONT! you love her. thats all i can say. because, i have a boyfriend who likes me alot but is running away and my depression has gotten worse. you dont want that for someone you care about.

Things have hardly improved, i have sought advice and my own personal prospects have improved, i am beating my own depression, but my wife refuses all offers of help..

It is a bit soul destroying really, we have discussed divorce and to be honest she has no real opinion on the matter, its as though it is not important to her and if i went away it would make no diference to her.
We are now in seperate rooms. I agreed to this because i thought it might help her to focus on what is important to her and give her some time to miss our relationship.
Unfortunatly she is just carrying on as if nothing has happened.

Im not sure how long i can continue with this facade…

At some point you need to know to do what is BEST for you and sometimes what is best for you is not always what is easiest. I’ve been in your situation (although not for the extended period of time you have been there) and I know what a impact it had on me. It’s not healthy - for either of you. Has she continued to talk about wanting to end the relationship?

My wife has left and effectively ended our marriage..

She left on Wednesday 1st May. I have been surrounded by friends and family almost ever since and it was kinda driving me insane. they all mean well, but i needed time alone to think.
My brother saw what was up and invited me out for a couple of hours on Sunday night, almost as soon as i had left the house she appeared and rooted through my stuff and took several bags of things that where hers..
On monday (bank holiday) my relatives etc finally decided to leave me alone and i sat down to consider the wreckage of my life..
It was 30 minutes before she turned up.. i sat out in the garden and ignored her (my key was in the front door so she never gained access), she rang 22 times on the house phone and 11 on my mobile.all unanswered.

I went to work on Tuesday morning (to get out of the house) my mum volunteered to watch the house, I phoned her at 12 to make sure she had milk etc and was told that my wife had shown up and was currently using the shower… i felt violated in some way, and refused to return home until she had left (7pm)

I phoned into work and they gave me time to sort myself out… I’m due back Monday.

She has attempted contact with me pretty much on the hour every hour this week and it is driving me insane. i answered her call last night and she poured out her heart, she wants a reconcilliation… I do not, but i gave her the impression that it was a possibility, i did this to buy me time.
I feel cold hearted, but she has left me with a cold heart.

I left the house earlier to shop (there are things i need) and i had what could only be described as a panic attack, at first i thought it was a heart attack!!

She took all the things in my life that i based myself upon and it has left me insecure,

I know the feeling but know that it’s not real. She has not taken everything that you have based yourself upon. It only feels that way now because your world has been turned on it’s head a bit, but it will settle - I promise, I’ve been there. First, it is an amazing thing to have friends and family there to support you - even though I know at times you need space to get things straight in your own head. Second, I truly applaud your determination not to reconcile - because from your perspective, she has done nothing to address the issues that were making you so miserable for too long. It is the insane that do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. Finally, probably for the first time in a long time your life is filled with uncertainty and that can make you feel unsure which results in feeling insecure. But if I might challenge you to look at it another way. Now, more than ever, your life is as in your control as it possibly can be. You no longer needed to be concerned on a minute by minute basis by what she may or may not do, how she might act, etc.. Now your concern is to take care of yourself and the things that matter to you. I know, it’s tough to see it now, but you are NOT alone and there are literally thousands upon thousands of people all over the world, walking the same path you are. Keep talking, I’ll be here to help as much as I can.

is There any update from the origional author, as I am in a similar position, just a few months less down the line and I am keen to know how he is getting on?

there are updates, but it is in a diffrent thread… im not sure how you link to it…
I think it is the one at the end of my post