friends help: i no longer feel any need to live, or even to try to be social with others. - Help.com

i no longer feel any need to live, or even to try to be social with others.

Sometimes i wonder if my life is even worth it anymore, do people care about me? Do i even make a difference in the world. Then i remember all the faces of my friends and family, all the people who would miss me if i died. And then i become disgusted with myself for even thinking of taking my own life. Then i cut my arm to try to wake myself up, and remove myself from that mind. I’ve never broken a vein, nor have i tried to. I cut myself to remove all thoughts of suicide, not to accidentally kill myself.

I no longer bother talking to people at my school, its not like people care about the “weird girl”. The only people who have an interest in me are my friends, the ones who knew me before i became like this. No, the people who knew me before i started acting on these feelings. Im weak, unable to express myself socially or emotionally.

I’ve always been dark, dreaming of a place in this world. I recognize that my life is not as bad as some peoples, but at the same time, i have suffered, from my parents and classmates. I suffered the cruelty of school children in elementary, and the punishments it lead to follow me to this day. I stuck to the teachers like glue, the only people who even smiled or praised me. Students saw my behavior and pulled further from me.

Finally, one day i recieved a form of amnesia, a one brought about by my own mind. A sort of mental drawback. I suffered at the hands of supressed memory syndrome. I lost all memories and personality traits before the 2nd semester of 7th grade. With no one to help, or comfort me, i fell deeper into the pit of aloneness and depression. Sometimes i even wondered how the few friends i have today, actually came to be. Maybe its because they were the only ones who understood me, maybe its because they’ve suffered at similar problems.

I began wearing black in the beginning of 8th grade. People drew away from me, thinking me more of a freak than before, some even calling me “emo” or “poser”. I ignored their comments, i wasn’t dressing this way for them, it was for my own benifit. It made me stand out less, and blend in better in the night, my natural envirement. why did they even care what i wore, isn’t it supposed to be dress how you want to dress, not dress how others want you to dress?

I used to have hopes and dreams, and plans for my future, at least i think i did. I planned on becoming a neurosurgeon, i still do. What better and more mysterious item to study. Some people called me a nerd, am i a nerd for wanting a future in this world? is it bad for me to want to know the unknown?

Maybe my problem is, that i have trouble accepting people. I hate the human race, we’ve destroyed the planet, caused wars, endangered species, and acted cruelly to one another. Call me a hippie, or an envirementalist, i dont care. But, im not emo or goth, a nerd or a freak, a hippie or an envirementalist. Im my own group, my own person. Maybe there are other people out there like me, maybe there not.

I’m only writing this post because writing helps me cope with my emotions.
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This open post was written 3 months, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 326, 7, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

friends, life, nerd, world, people, emo, Call, care, dress, Mental (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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