Now begins the new era of Yrja. In this chapter she’s vaulnerable, scared, guilty and lost. There’s nothing to hide behind anymore.
I woke up in a dark room with all these people touching me…poking me, all dressed in the whitest of whites. They where talking to me, trying to get me to respond. I let out a faint mmmm… at the sound of my name. I puked, they changed my diaper. I realized….I remembered…they just looked so good. Like candy… Like a promise of nothingness. Nothing, nobody. I just wanted to fall asleep so bad. It hurt to breathe.
And here I am. I’m alive and I don’t know how to feel about that. I feel guilt…that’s about all I feel at the moment.
I met with lots of people in white costumes telling me what to do, asking me what I want. I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to be lonely anymore….I feel like I’m in a play by Chekhov. A play within a play. I’m a seagull…no wait wait…I’m an actress.
I have a plan. They gave it to me and I must stick to it. I must write, mark, talk, go here and there every day and this will make me well. This will wake me up give me the will to be and eventually it will not hurt so much to breathe. I have to believe them. I have no choice.
The guy across the street put a new message in his window. It reads: Elli sleeps in his clothes… I thought: so do I.
I will never get another kiss… those types of kisses are forbidden now…
The rebirth of Yrja… I am going to try and embrace it
Since writing this post Yrja
may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
Yrjais a verified member,
has been around for 1 year, 10 months
and has 13 posts
and 330 replies
to their name.
If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!
Call this hotline (1-800-273-8255) operated by our friends at the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, anytime, for free, professional, and
confidential assistance. While other Help.com users are likely to reply
to your post, please make sure you understand that your use of Help.com
falls under our TOS.
Note: I’m a robot that the Help.com staff created. If this response is in error, I apologize, please ignore it.
Yrja invited 15 users to read this post 1 year, 7 months ago.
Sounds like you are deppressed. Really deppressed! Talk! Don’t stay silent. Use the talk as a way to vent and let your emotions go. I hope I was invited to chat.
Yrja changed the tags on this post: they were "sleep, White people, kiss, clothing, Street, writing, Window, Diaper, Actor, Gull, life, Rebirth, suicide" 1 year, 7 months ago.
I do fantasize about one thing. Getting a dog. I like dogs. They don’t require complicated interactions. I like the simplicity and honesty of it. But I can’t get a dog now. The white dressed cast told me so… the ancient choir… I like that. They are like the choir in my life. dictating the play. Then perhaps I’m entering into my ultimate catharsis.
I hope so. Then perhaps after that I can get a dog :)
The reason why I asked if I was invited to this post, it’s because sometimes people think I say the wrong things. Unintenntionally. Your post is so deep. Were you completely assleep or out? It sounds like you have been somewhere else maybe in another life alltogether. You are a very interesing person.
I’m not really sure if I’m awake now. This might all be a dream. Everything is so unreal. I feel like I’m sleepwalking most of the time. All of the time really.
Yes I’ve read it many times. It’s one of my favourite plays.
What is it that they are giving you for this condition of yours? It sounds so dessperate. I hope you have somebody by yourside helping you along and holding your hand. Talk.
That puppy in the picture is just my avatar. I am also shy and maybe lonely because I spend a great deal of time dealing with people but hardly anybody ever talks to me. It’s very monotonous.
They’re giving me a plan. This is what I’m getting for my condition. It’s good. A plan was needed.
littlenick wrote: I am also shy and maybe lonely because I spend a great deal of time dealing with people but hardly anybody ever talks to me.
I do that too…That’s why I shocked people. Cause I act like I have it all figured out…usually. Not now though. I have exposed myself. Can’t hide anymore. I’m totally vaulnerable.
I think the reason why you and I like plays is because we think that we are those characters in the play. We identify with a certain character and adopt him/her for our persona until the author decides that the play is coming to an end and we try dessperately not to end the play or have the play end because that will be the end of our adopted persona. I too think I am a character in somebody’s play and I am subject to their every whim and caprice.
yeah…that made me laugh, cause I identify with it…very appreciated, thanks.
I identify with music like that aswell, movies and books. I get lost in it sometimes. I like it. But I sometimes confuse reality with fiction. I don’t know what I created, what somebody else created for me or what just IS. IS anything really? All these different types of reality confuse me. My reality, your reality. The reality of the woman that lives across the hall. She likes to sing POP STAR with her friends (playstation). That is part of her reality. I’m on the other side of the wall boiling pasta and talking to faceless people on the world wide web. This is my reality. And then you have yours.
And then we all just kinda pass each other on the street, totally unaware of each others realities.
You know I am sorry if I am the only responding to this post. I think people like short posts. But, from the moment I saw your post I was intrigued by you. You seem to be a very interesting and profound person with so much to live for. Life is beuatiful! Do you have family or friends to call on? My reality and your reality might be two different things, but you’re right they are “our” realities and we must accept them. Sometimes we are figments in other people’s imaginations and viceversa. What is true, what is reality, what is real. Who knows? Nobody really knows. I had a dream the other day where I was in another world as somebody else and then I woke up and thought “what if that person is the real me and the person that I think I am now is not.” But, you have to go on. What ever reality is cooked up for us by a power much more powerful than us, we have to still keep on going. Never give up!
I actually was just sending this out there so I really wasn’t anticipating any responses. Even though your attention has been appreciated.
You also seem like a very interesting person.
I tried giving up. It didn’t work. So I won’t be giving up again.
I can do 2 things: live or die. I’ve been dead for a few years now and it didn’t really work out for me so…it’s time for a different strategy. I will join the living and be merry :) well…not yet…but well I’m going to give it a shot anyways.
Listen, I look at his website about every other day. I really think that you should keep on talking. As long as we are making noise we are alive. Life is the most wonderful gift that the almighty gave us. The wonderful things that we do with this life is our gift back to him. I’ve said many times to many different people, but I really believe that. Anytime you want to talk, seek me out. I love talking and putting my two cents. Faceless as I might be, I still care for you and all my human fellow beings. I think that is the trouble with this world that not too many people care about each other. But, sometimes that is the way the dice are rolled. When you care too much for other people, sometimes they take advantage of you and other people call you “stupid.” When you don’t care about anybody, people call you “mean.” You can never win. You just have to take it one day a time. Keep on going. Stay Alive. It’s ok that you care about other people. It’s ok that sometimes they take advantage of you for caring but you don’t have to worry about the ultimate prize because sooner or later we have to render accounts to a much higher power than us. And then…And then…. Karma makes everybody pay. Sooner or later. Karma does not forget. We just have to keep on going and living and caring.
I know you want to be nice and I truly appreciate it. But I don’t believe in a higher power. I respect your beliefs though and thank you for all of your inspiring responses.
I do hope that we keep on talking :) You are very special.
Then tell me what you believe in. You’re not going to get rid of me that easily now (just joking!), but I still want to be here to hear you rant and rave if that makes you feel good.
Listen, sometimes when we are at our darkest moment in life. At least we think it’s our darkest moment because we think there won’t be any more dark moments. When we have reached that moment and think life is not worth living, there is always a gleam of hope in the horizon. We are not here by accident. We are in this world to make it better with our contributions and our helping each other as human beings. I think that when we lose our way and think that we are completely lost those are the times that we have be strong and forceful in our beliefs. We have to believe that everything will be allright. We have to believe that there will be guidance if not in our minds in our heart. We have to embrace all that we know as reality even though, like you say, that may not be a true reality but somebody else’s. Live life to its fullest. Embrace everyday like it has a infinite possibilites. Always look for the hope that a new day brings. The more bleak the day and life look, the more resolve we should have to keep on going. Hurdles in life are not uncommon; they will always be there. We just have to maneuver around them as careful as we can. And I can go on and on. But, I hope you get the picture. I’m here. You’re there. Let’s always be and never stop being. Stay in touch.
thanks Nick. You’ve been a lot of help, really. I’m off now. Cleaning the appartment. The white clothed bunch tell me that’s the first step. I will obey.
because i think it is only the two that are actually goldfrapp,Alison Goldfrapp and Will Gregory,the rest are probaly session musos hired for their artistry
Thank you Akithma!!! Yer the besteses…one of the good uns! haha! That video is so fitting for so many reasons…but I guess that’s why you picked it. I love the dancing! I’ve seen this before but totally forgot about it.
Yeah…one can’t live without salt…everything would be so boring without it AND we would have red wine stains EVERYWERE. Thank god for salt! Or Odinn, or Thor, or Freyja….or that huge cow that licks all the time…forget the name. Perhaps I should embrace the old religion. Become one of those modern day wannabe vikings. Hrrrrd!
I was talking about god last night. I have a very hard time believing in a higher power. And we were talking about depression. I asked him to describe depression to me as if I had never experienced it. He compaired it to the pain of a broken bone…except there’s no bone broken…but you have that constant pain of something broken and you carry it around with you. Funny…I don’t really relate to that. I would descripe that feeling as a black hole inside of me and it swallows everything. It’s the HUGE empty space and has no purpose other then to make things disappear. So then he said: Some people fill that space with god. - well good for those who can do that. That must feel great.
HelpBot
Yrja invited 15 users to read this post 1 year, 7 months ago.
littlenick
AKITHMA
quicksand
ed_der_red