Love help: nature or nurture? - Help.com

You are who you choose to be.

i was abused beyond any abuse you probably could imagine.. growing up as a child.. and many thought that i would be a “statistic”. i have 3 children and i changed my life so that i wasnt a statistic. i never hit my kids, never verbally abused them or any of that crap that i dealt with as a child.. it is a persons choice to change the pattern rather than using it as an excuse with their own children.

I think you can be a good parent if you decide to be one. You have to learn on your own what you did not learn growing up. It takes a lot of work but you can do it.

ok u can love a child and raise them right but as soon as they get old enough to make their own choices its up to them try to instill good values in them and pray for the best cuz u cant blame ur past on the way u are today

if they get help removing the emotional blinds from the past, yeah

renaegodfrey8 wrote:
ok u can love a child and raise them right but as soon as they get old enough to make their own choices its up to them try to instill good values in them and pray for the best cuz u cant blame ur past on the way u are today

but sometimes ur past DOES have an effect on ur today…. how many times do u see urself doing or saying things that ur parents did or said? if u had a negative upbringing, u absolutely do have to make a conscious effort NOT to be the way ur parents were with u b/c the first thing most people tend to do is react the same way that they saw people in their lives react… its very easy to revert to those tendencies…. i find myself making a conscious effort to be more involved and active in my children’s lives despite the fact that my mother was never very involved or active in my own upbringing… I don’t want to be the mother that just sat around and played on my computer and didn’t want to converse with my children or always yelled or seemed angry with them for no reason… Sometimes I want to just have peace and quiet, but I realize that children will be what they are and I can’t change that… I have to roll with it and try to be patient and still talk to them and try to understand them, unlike my own mother, who would just yell at me and tell me to shut up and then go play her card games on her computer… And I’m not perfect, by any means, but the effort is there and my children do know that what they say and do is important to me….

Look at you family history. You can usually see how your parent was treated and how it effected how your parents treated you. If a person does not make that conscious effort to change that pattern, it is likely to continue. My therapist once told me it takes 3 generations to get “disfunction out of a family”. So I am the first to consciously make this effort. Some of it is going to come through to my children. But they will be better off then I was. But their children will be better off then them. See what I am saying.

I believe a person is deeply affected by their own upbringing, yes.. but if they truly recognize and learn from the mistakes that their own parents made, they will make a conscious effort NOT to make those same mistakes as well! And yes, I believe that someone who suffered emotional damage and abuse, if they have come to terms with their past and truly recognize and understand the problems, will work extra hard to not let their own children go through that.

I think it’s the most retarded excuse out there these days because a person is fully capable of free will and is weak if they claim otherwise…but I suppose it is a little true, if nothing more than a scapegoat. =]

Yes a person has free will but sometimes things from your childhood are so deeply ingrained that you do not even realize that you have been affected by it, or are doing the same things that your parents did that are negative. I agree that a person needs to recognize the problems to be able to move past it and become a better parent themselves

It is child neglect and it saddens me. My sisters and I were left alone a lot when my mother worked. I think it messes with your sense of trust and security. It makes you have fears because you wonder what would happen if ……. and no one is there to help you. So even if she thinks they are “safe” alone, how does it make them feel? To have a mother who puts “going out” above caring for your safety.