friends help: My ex-boyfriend is finally in rehab. - Help.com

Well Miss, How r u?? First of all i want to ask about you, I am from Pakistan and my age is 26. In my opinion you are lucky to decide about yourself because in our culture and community there are some moral obligations and values. I would give any suggestion by keeping that in view, one thing I want to mention is that I am a Muslim. You said that he always seemed to get you into trouble when he was drinking so Miss he is a boy but unfortunately you are a girl. It was your goodluck that you kept distance and if does something wrong then he won’t realise for that because he is a boy. I am a boy too so may be I know guy’s psychi more than you. Guy’s are always attracted by the girls well its a natural process and not in the human beings, it exist in almost all the species on the earth. Female attracts the Male so according to our religious point of view a woman should cover herself to deviate the sight of the boys and take care by herself because nobody would be responsible if something goes wrong. For a few seconds pleasure a woman will loose everything. Best Regards
Faraz Khan
(email removed)

Ok so let me make up for Faraz’s response. I am also Pakistani, from the US, but whatever, I am going to actually give you advice rather than say random BS.

so..just to recap:
“…I kept my distance because he always seemed to get me into trouble when he was drinking….” and “…I know that his sponsor would probably not approve of this. I am torn about what to tell him…” and finally “..it just doesn’t seem like it’s a good idea to start hanging out with him when he is feeling lonely and vulnerable…”

so based on your brief statements, it seems like you have been really good w keep your distance and emotions in check, but now you are at a point where he is on a road to rehab and change and the thought of getting back w him is creeping into your own mind. i say this bc you initially stated that you are avoiding bc of his drinking but then you bring in the authority figure (his sponsor) and mention that he would not approve of the relationship, seemingly revealing that you are interested to pursue something but the only thing holding you back NOW is the sponsor.

so first i just wanted to point that out, that if i read between the lines, you feel that he is a changed man or heading down the path of change and he is worth getting involved w again. certainly he is lonely, but i question if you are also lonely. did you see anyone else during those two years that you and your ex were friends? what type of men did you generally get involved bfore/after this relationship? did they exhibit similar patterns of behavior (addiction)? if their is a pattern, then i suggest you figure out why you are attracted to these types of men over and over again.

if you did not see someone for those two years and you were somehow hoping/wishing your ex would reform, and you are seeing that wish come to fruition, i suggest that if you are indeed serious about this man, then wait. wait until he is sober, completely and fully for at least 6 months. dont give him the slightest hint that you will take him back but still keep in touch w him on a friendly basis. if he meets that six month mark of sobriety and has sufficiently progressed to the point where his sponsor says he is healing well enough and his PSYCHOLOGY has changed, then continue as you wish w this man.

as for coffee, meet up, say hello, encourage him and tell him how great it is to see him change and keep it friendly. establish firm boundaries and don’t mention anything about wanting to get back w him after the six month period (or whatever amount of time you feel is necessary to show you his change is permanent). this way, you can protect your emotions and also save your friendship w him.

hope that helps

regards,

saad, 24, orange county, california