I’m not in love; I’m just in need.
It’s a sick churning in my stomach
At the thought of him with other girls;
Jealousy is all I feel when I think about him,
Besides a sickening sadness much like
Suicidal thoughts.
The sickening sadness that would leave
All of my other dreams having been
Dreamed of in vain.
Where is my sense of self?
Can I take care of myself?
Will I stand up for my own moral values?
Will I preserve the traits I love about myself,
Or give them up in submission to the so-called
“Far worthier?”
I was never afraid of my own dreams,
And I didn’t believe they were below those of his.
But now when I think of what I love
And compare them to what he loves,
I feel subordinate and subhuman.
That is not love. Then why am I attached to him?
Is he just an image of perfection
Whom I wish to reflect in achievements?
I deep down may wish for such,
But know it’s unlike me to imitate.
That’s right; I can only remember gracing myself
With my own presence
And my own dreams.
Why can’t my old friends and pastimes
Bring me pleasure anymore?
That is not how things should be,
And when he leaves me,
I must take pleasure in my old habits.
What I fear is that,
Although I do not truly love him,
I cannot revert back to how I felt
When I was single.
I never realized how simple life was,
Much like when I realized
How simple it was to be a child.
I just want the good times back.
I just want to take care of
My own emotions.
I cannot be responsible
For those of another’s.
Then why is he
Responsible for mine?
How do I learn to get him off my mind
In that obsessive way?
I want to at least be at peace with him,
Not for either of us to feel disgust
Towards one another.
But I don’t want him
To forever cloud my mind
With obsessive sickness.
The sad thing is
That I trust his judgment
Even more than I do my own.
This is why I’m just waiting
For him to break up with me,
Because I learned that
When I try the same,
I am not always serious
About my own judgment.
I can barely remember another time
When I was so scared for myself.
This open post was written 2 months ago | V/U/S: 792, 8, 6 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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