life help: Pregnant Military Wife Husband trying to Leave after 3 weeks! - Help.com

I used to advise wives such as yourself when I was a commander. No, you don’t need to go to the Red Cross or his commanding officer at this time. What you DO need to do is speak to a chaplain. It seems like he’s giving up on the marriage pretty easily and pretty quickly right now! What you both need is marriage counseling, and the Army has a program for free counseling. No, do NOT leave unless you are physically threatened. And, no, you cannot go drinking and clubbing while pregnant! Now, if things really go to hell in a handbasket, you can get free advice from a JAG lawyer–but they will NOT fight your case for you in court. They CAN arrange a “no fault, uncontested” divorce. I hope that your marriage doesn’t go that route. I think your husband has maturity problems, and I’ve seen this kind of behavior in young enlisted guys many, many times. Now, if you DO separate, he is REQUIRED to pay you the equivalent of his BAH–Basic Allowance for Housing–as a MINIMUM. Don’t delay–make an appointment with the chaplain. Try to set up an appointment where both of you go together, but go alone if you must. If nothing else seems to be working, THEN go talk to his first sergeant! Very often, the old “first shirt” can talk some sense into an immature young soldier. By the way, if the soldier can survive this period of immaturity, and if his family can, they actually turn out to be decent guys!

Chev James you are wonderful!

You were “the man” for this problem. I feel better for her. I hope she feels some relief from such an expert. Great suggestions.
Poster, I hope he is just young and making a mistake. Do try to suggest counseling with your husband. I hope it all goes well. Such a shame, and Im sure you are feeling very out of sorts. Good Luck to you and your family.

Last night, I had dinner with another “pregnant, military wife.” It was supposed to be with her and her husband, but she threw him out the night before! I called him this morning and told him he needed to go home! I hope I did some good! People fight over the darnedest things! They are of different faiths, and he had threatened to divorce her if she drank any alcoholic beverages after the baby was born. I told him that no one should ever say the “d” word to the other, and that they could work out their problems–but not if they are apart. As for the religious differences, I told him that each had to respect the other’s religious beliefs–none of us can claim to own the truth. Here’s my own theology: there’s no “theological pop quiz” you must pass at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven, and God doesn’t have a “trap door” under entire churches, just waiting to trip it and drop the entire membership into hell. Well, I think I made some headway. But if I could give any couples any meaningful advice, it would be to never, ever mention divorce unless conditions are intolerable and you’ve tried every other possible alternative!

The installation where your husband works will have a Web page. You can find the chaplains on that. He MUST get you an ID card so you can get enrolled in the medical database for treatment at military and TRICARE facilities. No ID card, no treatment! Two months is too long to wait! Tell him you MUST have that and to make time to do it! The form is a DD 1172. You may not need him with you–depends on the policies of the installation. But you need a DD 1172 all filled out and signed by the proper people! Now, you should still have a social life together, but obviously the drinking scene is not for you. It would be OK for him to go out every once in a while with his buddies–but not MOST of the time! Also, he cannot afford to get a DUI–for only ONE will kill a military career. You might suggest that he and you go to the NCO club on the installation, or to some nice restaurant once in a while, and to the movies. TRY to be his companion, his best friend. Don’t be a stick in the mud . . . although I do not think you have been. He’s missing all of his freedom . . . he thinks it’s slipping away from him. He wasn’t quite ready to be a husband and father, but guess what–he’s going to be one regardless, and he needs to start getting his act together! For the installation Web page, just “Google” the name of the installation and add “home page” in the “subject window.” Don’t despair . . . we’re not gonna let you sink!

OK, kid, he’s kind of gotten you into a corner. But you can’t have stomach pains some night, and get a huge hospital bill because you’re not enrolled in TRICARE! So, make that appointment with his first sergeant. You can tell the first sergeant that you don’t have an ID card–I’m sure he will meet you outside the gate and escort you in! By the way, most states do not have provisions for annulments–there has to be a GOOD reason in those states that do allow annulments, such as one or both marriage partners being impaired by drugs or alcohol, or coercion (shotgun wedding), or concealing a material fact (such as the bride not being a woman but a female impersonator). NEXT step if he doesn’t straighten up is to make an appointment with JAG (after you get your ID card). By the way, if he were one of my soldiers, I’d give him a really good talk about his behavior–and how it was NOT the mark of a leader or future leader! Now, just hang in there, kid–you’ve some some “buddies” out here that care about you and we’re not gonna abandon you!

Call the “base operator” if you don’t know the number for his first sergeant. Hopefully, you know the name of his unit. Looks like he’s tried to keep you away from ohter Air Force people or wives. Yes, I would bring a copy of the marriage certificate. The first sergeant will undoubtedly ask you what you want to do, i.e., try to save the marriage or leave him. I don’t know what your husband’s problem is, but, yes, he’s got a real problem! If he has a computer, you might look at the browsing history to see where he’s been. I sense that there is someone else in the picture. But first things first: get that ID card, and then make an appontment with the JAG legal services division to learn your rights as a dependent, and what you could get in a divorce settlement. I hate to mention the word divorce, but he’s really forced you into a corner. Well, the first sergeant is going to give him a good talking to about family responsibilities. If you are going to stay together, some marrriage counseling is definitely in order. By the way, have you met his parents? What kind of people did they seem to be?

You need to go to his CO and talk to him right away let him know what is going on and what kind of help you could get from them. I would highly recommend leaving him ASAP you have your unborn child to think of. The CO will be able to help you, you do have legal rights here. But keep in mind he also and so do you as far as that goes to go in and have your marriage annulled because of the short time that you have been married, but no matter how he looks at it he is responsible for the baby financially….Good Luck

Are you in the DC limits? Maryland? VA? Check the state website (or District of Columbia) for the annulment criteria.

Follow the advice of Chev. I also suggest you keep the marriage license in your presence just in case your husband decides that he is going to make it even more difficult for you and “destroy” it. (The county clerk will have your information on file, but it is a pain to have to obtain another copy.) Also have your husband’s SSN handy as this may help track him in case you don’t know any unit information about him.

It is pertinent that you take advantage of the military medical benefits! Don’t delay or turn down the medical help that you will need. It will be difficult to maintain the medical needs you will require as you progress in the pregnancy, and the military can help you!

Other than that, make sure that your family and friends know what is going on. Make sure you location is always known. I don’t mean to speculate that anything may go awry, but recently there were a Marine in NC who is speculated to have committed a heinous crime against a fellow (female and pregnant) Marine. You and your unborn child’s safety is paramount.

Good! I had recommended the first sergeant as the first point of contact, so that the situation wouldn’t have to be elevated to the commander unless absolutely necessary. Noncommissioned officers often resolve problems without having to get the “brass” involved, and that was my first hope.

So it looks like your husband has redeeming qualities after all. New responsibilities were overwhelming him. Now, I recommend that you both get into some marriage counseling. This will help you understand each other’s feelings and needs, and more than anything else, will show you how to communicate with each other in nonthreatening ways. This is important. Many couples have a problem communicating things to each other. It’s important to be able to express how you feel without “personalizing” the argument, i.e., attacking the other person.

When the baby arrives, try to give your husband love and attention, also. A lot of guys feel neglected by their wives after the arrival of a child, and divorces often follow that first child. What OFTEN happens if a couple is having problems is that the wife overfocuses on the child to avoid contact with her husband. This is a doomed strategy. INVOLVE your husband and praise him when he does something good. Men thrive on praise. Give him a chance to be your “hero,” and he’ll most likely rise to the occasion. Help to remove his fears and anxieties by reassuring him of your love.

He needs to reassure you, too, and this can take place at home and in a counseling environment. By the way, seeking a marriage counselor is not just for dysfunctional couples. SMART couples do it, too, because they want their marriage to be the best possible!

It sounds like your husband had fears about being inadequate for his new roles. He was hit with being a husband and then being a father almost immediately afterwards. Reassure him. I hate to say it, but we men need lots and lots of reassurance from the women in our lives. A lot of women DO walk at the first sign of trouble, and guys know it. Let him know you’re not going to walk out the first time things become stressful! VERY likely he was afraid he’d cause you to do that, and he just “wanted to get it over with.” That’s the basis of self-fulfilling prophecies.

Good luck to you both!

You take care and if you need us again…You know where to find us…I hope everything works out for you the both of you….Good Luck

Alright. USMC wife of 3 years with my marine for almost 6. YES! YOU ARE ENTITLED TO STAY THERE! dont let him tell you anything else. You are married therefore you are enrolled in DEERS…the pregnancy is covered under your tricare. I also am 8 weeks pregnant and so all this is fresh in my mind. the baby will be covered under you for the 1st year of it’s life. Anyhow, you are entitled to EVERYTHING. whats his is NOW yours also. If he needs time away i believe his command can put him into the barraks for a while if you request it due to marital problems. If you go to his command they may make it mandatory for him to go to marriage counciling as well as classes on being an expectant father and also financial planning classes….there are so many resorces out there for you…red cross, military one source just to name a few. In the marine corps there is MCCS…not sure what branch u are in but dont let him bully you. Know your rights. If you have any more questions just let me know and if i dont know the naswer i can sure find out! Good luck and i hope things get better.