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im just wondering if i should be confused.
i grew up in this protective community in texas and went to a private school. i thought at the time that it would help me. but once i moved to kansas, i realized i wasnt prepared. ive been here for a few years now and im 13. and already im losing hope. so im used to all of this but im not sure i can take any more of it. my best friend ivy is so suicidal..you drinks herself away every friday night and she screams she wants to die but me and our other friend brittany are the only ones saving her. and she ran away in october with this high schooler and they got in trouble-of course. and now hes in jail for rape even though she was willing but he was like 18. and now that hes in lockup, all of his friends are after ivy-threatneing to kill her and that its all her fault. and now she wants a kid more than life. shes dating this 18 year old and yes shes 13 but he doesnt want a kid. and she just wants one so badly because she wants to be the mother her mom never was. ive run out of words for her. then my other really close friend ryan was just starting to make my day until they sent him to juvie for carying weapons. he carried them to protect his family and to cut himself. so now hes in another town in juvie and i miss how so much. i have so many people threatening to beat me up for things i never did. and my best friend hannah isnt backing me up anymore. she just doesnt care. she promised she would always be here and i believed her but she said ive changed- which she’s only known me for 3 years- and that this isnt me. i have major anxiety problems to the point where ive missed 50 days of school this year. im dizzy all the time and im on no sleep. im always out of the house so i have no time to relax and im sick and tired of crying. and my friends have similiar problems-but they cure it with pot and smoking and drinking. i know im only 13 but this isnt right. i know it. im going to the doctor tomorrow and im scared because all she does is prescribe me antidepressents. i see counselors but all they do is ask me the same question “are you sure these people are right for your well being?” and wats sick is that i love them to death. and once i love someone-i can never really go back. and it seems every guy im with i mess up. i always do somehow. so ive never been able to keep anyone. friends and guys. because i get blamed for everything. everything. i was flirting with this guy ive known ever since i got here and my friends screamed at me saying its not right when they will makeout with random guys when they’re dating someone. and theres one person im able to talk to-michelle. but we got into a huge fight the other day that changed us forever. and im just tired-mentally and physically.
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