man help: I am a lonely man - Help.com

Are you mean and cruel?

I know what you mean.. i’m in similar situation.. and I can’t stand it when people are fake saying “hi.. we have the same colour hair.. oh wow.. love youuu” .. and I hate making small talk with people.. but sometimes.. you do have to relax and not put up a wall of mystery when you meet new people.

Try not to be yourself around people, at least at first. When they get to know your good side then you can squeeze out the real you slowly.

There is nothing wrong with being intense and to the point, atleast not in my eyes and I am a female. I would rather someone be honest than polite. However, could you be maybe a bit stand-off’ish or defensive?

ALWAYS be yourself….

Do you show people your heart of gold or do you protect your heart so that you don’t get hurt???

donovan wrote:
Always being myself is why I am lonely!

No you are just not showing the good things about you.

Maybe you use your intensness as a defense to scare people away. Do you or could you just have a nice polite conversation with someone?

rstarzboxer wrote:

donovan wrote:
Always being myself is why I am lonely!

No you are just not showing the good things about you.

This is what I meant but I used bad wording. :|

Yes, but you can’t have indepth chats with people who don’t know anything about you.. the ‘empty’ chats is how you get to know each other and be comfortable with each other

okay, this question may sound dumb, but do you want to be happy or do you like living a miserable life alone? Do you want to learn how to take your guard down and let love in? I will warn you,It’s a lot of work, It’s not easy.

You’re putting me off already… You’re stuck in your ways and that’s what you like. good luck to ya.

Not always. But yes, I have been let down by more than my share of people. I still don’t care to hurt or belittle others. I still try to help.

donovan wrote:
I enjoy finding the soft underbelly (a contreversial emotion of the other person) then pushing it!

Do you want to know why do you feel the need to belittle people? I can tell you. You are very insecure about your own inadequacies. It’s wrong to think like you think and you should consider talking to someone about it. If you don’t see why or don’t care why this is wrong, then there is no easy help for you.

Being abused as a child I can understand where your feelings come from. Were you picked on in school?

I was abused and eventually raped by my step-father. I wasn’t picked on in school but I have been on my own since I was 13.

Have you physically harmed anyone before?

I think first quit turning to the bottle to comfort you. It’s not going to get you anywhere.

Do you work? what profession?

donovan wrote:
They are my only pleasures in life.

If you take pleasure from causing pain to someone else, you really need to seek some help. I think this would be way more beyond the scope than what we can offer you here. There are also medications that a therapist can prescribe for you if need be to help get things back on track.

I really do want good things for you, I am just not sure I am helping here at all.

are you happy with the way you look?

What would really make you happy??

That doens’t make you happy, that makes you numb and a bottle does that for you too

No, actually most people would be turned off by it. Especially in this context

Since you don’t like the way you look, let’s start there….I assume you must have a little money with your profession?

donovan wrote:
most people are little people.

Well, this is your problem….you are better than no one else..and no one owes you anything…

donovan wrote:
most people are little people.

That would make me a little person because let me tell ya…I am nothing extraordinary

Honestly though, I don’t mind being a little person…

How do you view yourself?

If this is really how you see other people your view of the world is pretty twisted. I don’t think you started a post to offend people but you need humility.

Making other people hurt isn’t going to take away your pain,regrets,loneliness….

What do you want to have happen here? Do you want someone to tell you how you should act? or how to be happy? You have to decide these things yourself but we are happy to help. But I can understand why people say you are mean, you show them you have a heart of stone not gold.

You have to learn that being abused in your childhood is no longer a crutch…you need to learn to put that in the past, it’s no longer a valid excuse for your behavior…

How do you get along with people at work?

How old are you now?

It’s hard helping someone when they don’t seem to want help. Is admitting you need help going against your pride?

Excuse me then. It’s just a bit unclear. What do you want?

Well, I am moving onto someone that really wants help to change. This is beyond what I can help with, this is a case for a physcologist. You have alot of issues and need help of a professional. When you truly want help feel free to contact me.

Your going to die an old lonely man if you don’t change the way you speak to people. If it is your self-defense mechanism then you need to find a way to control it. You have to let someone in and actually be nice to them, let your guard down and have a simple pleasant conversation.

If you figure out a way to be nice, you might actually enjoy your time here on earth…until then you are just making YOURSELF miserable.

I suggest that you start with yourself, if you don’t like what you see- change it. If you don’t like who you ARE- change it.

No, why would you ask that? Are you trying to find my flaws?

Donovan, you asked for help and now you’ve turned on everyone here who is trying to help you. Why won’t you just let them in your heart and in your head?

donovan wrote:
No ease up, you went through a painful situation in your past.

Yes, but unlike you have learned that the past is the past and the future is what I make of it. I don’t let the past get to me, otherwise the person who raped me wins in my eyes.

Well from what I’ve read you seem to be doing the very thing you’re complaining people don’t like about you… belittling…

sorry for assuming you actually wanted to be helped, I must be one of those dumb little people…

rstarzboxer wrote:
If you figure out a way to be nice, you might actually enjoy your time here on earth…until then you are just making YOURSELF miserable.

I suggest that you start with yourself, if you don’t like what you see- change it. If you don’t like who you ARE- change it.

Well, you have completely ignored this….

Donovan, you definitely are as you do.

and that is the only positive thing I have to say to you.

Why me? Why do you like me of all people? Why haven’t you tried to belittle me?

You’re a nice person Rstarz that’s why!

So Donovan, if you don’t want help, why come to help.com? Just curious..

Okay, why not treat other people with the respect that you have givin me? What would you lose from it?

I’m not trying to bother you. You wrote a post, and I want to help.

You didn’t outright ask for help. You did however start complaining, so naturally one would assume you want help. Even if I don’t sound like I do, I do. I’m just trying to figure you out. You’re a hard nut to crack.

Donovan, be nice and control yourself.

da-11 wrote:

donovan wrote:
yes, would you prefer I said it in French, Italian or Russian?

Not at all, although I do know Italian much better then I do German. But why post on a public message board if you don’t want your issues to be other people’s biasness?

From what I can gather he wrote this is about donovan replying to rstarz when rstarz asked for donovan’s age.

He never did give his age did he???

Did I make him mad now?

This just seems like a big game donovan, I have given you suggestions to start to make things right for you…you haven’t said anything about them. Why not change into some sexy, happy go lucky stud and find yourself a hot beach babe and live happily ever after???? You just don’t want to change.

My point is, you can be whatever you want to be and do what you want…but all you want to do is have pitty on yourself that you are lonely man…. you don’t want to be someone that people can like, respect, and fall in love with…. that would be too risky for you.

donovan wrote:
I can try, taht is all.

You can but you won’t.

Try isn’t good enough….make it happen.

So.

I don’t see much change here today. You haven’t tried to make friends with anyone and the sad thing is everyone would have been your friend. No one even knows the real you here and no one would judge you. All you had to do is discuss your problems with some respect towards people.

Me, I guess I take this personally because I really wanted to get you to smile and make a new direction in life so that you can have the life you want. But you just refuse to do it.

Good Evening and I wish you well.

So I guess that means you are just going to go sit in your miserable life, feel sorry for yourself, and not get up and do anything to fix it.

Interesting individual. I wonder what’ll be of him.

I don’t know you so i can’t tell if u r really “mean and cruel”.
“Mean and cruel” are terms which i used to define my ex bf.
He is one cruel and mean person. But he doesn’t know that. He thinks that he is Mr perfect and mr nice..while he is not. The problem with him is that he thinks too highly of himself and he has failed to realise that ” there is no perfect man cos no man is perfect”…and if he is really that perfect and nice, why would i be crying all the time? A truly perfect man is someone that doesn’t think he is perfect..

Well, what im trying to say is that….step back and reflect on what others say..

donovan wrote:
First I size people up.
Then I find their inadequacies and I force then to talk about them.
All the while belittling them.
It is wonderful!

When you dabble with fire in this case you are the one getting burned:)

donovan wrote:
Being brilliant is a Burdon.
Because if my painful childhood I am wired to self destruct.
It is not cancerous.

It is a burden but what you are doing with it is stupid.

donovan wrote:
I do have a lot to offer someone.

So you say.

donovan wrote:
You knwo what, Maybe I dont.
I find people “Always” let you down.

People will always let you down, it is a human condition. One that someone like you should understand. It sounds like just a matter of time before you let yourself down:) or maybe you realize you already have. Do you want to play hardball? Try me SoulRising:P

donovan wrote:
No I was a bully!

You still are:)

donovan wrote:
I am intense and to the point. (Most people don’t like this)

I do.

If you ever consider getting sober , you might want to try a meeting. I’ve been sober for 14 years. I have read all of your posts, and I can relate to the feelings. Lonely and angry ruled my life at one point. www.aa.org to find a meeting, or look in your phone book. Good luck.

I think i know where you may be coming from .Im similar in the thinking that personal,casual chit chat is mundane, but recently go a new outlook on it.And I hope you do too.Are you a Capricorn by the way? Well, its in the ‘mundane,seemingly empty conversations that we learn to be more personal.It has taught me that people need people,simple and true ,I just hope you dont see it too late because you may be wasting precious time and gaining weight (getting unhealthier) by the moment.I wish I could say something that would be a revelation to open your eyes,,but…I heard you like to listen,watch Joel and the others.So you have an interest in succeeding.And you have in your work life ,now maybe all you have to do is apply the same principles to your personal life.You already have the knowledge,so half of the work is done.Youve worked on the outside ,now you need work on the inside.Get to the heart of the matter,Your heart,open it,and it helps to have a open mind too.By doing this you may have success with the overeating too.think about getting support for your addiction,it will be good place to start practicing .

Make some friends
Change your ways
Your obviously aware of it
Otherwise you wouldnt have wrote this post
xx

You know …sometimes you shouldn’t pay attention to what others say! they may not see you as you really are! Important is what you think about yourself! if you feel you are nice and not cruel at all then trust your soul! Be yourself Never give up :) You’ll be ok And about being lonely …love will come to your life when you wait less:)

you are lonely because you are mean and cruel. maybe you deserve it, anyways try changing for your own good. girlfriends and friends will soon follow when they learned you are a changed man.

donovan wrote:
First I size people up.
Then I find their inadequacies and I force then to talk about them.
All the while belittling them.
It is wonderful!

Donavan: Im not even sure this is real. You sound fake. If your not I offer this:
You sound like a narcisisst. They are indeed not liked and rarely loved. Narcissists live on an island with a population of one. Please read info below. Does that sound like you?

Your right to be concerned. I think its wonderful you are addressing it. I recently read an article that explains the problems people with this condition encounter in a relationship.

It states:

Narcissists are often exciting, charismatic, and a bit dangerous, which can make them attractive to us. Their grandiosity can be expressed through breathtaking romantic gestures. These reel us in and keep us hooked.

When the less attractive side of narcissism -self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and hot-cold behaviour- emerges. Here are some of the classic behaviours of a narcissistic partner.

Appears charming and interested in a relationship, but becomes selfish, manipulative and controlling, seeks superiority or dominance over a partner.

Employs game playing tactics, being unfaithful, unattainable to maintain power and independence in a relationship.

Is rarely found to be involved in a long-term relationship.

Often attracted to partners with low self-esteem, who will be more likely to feel at fault and blame themselves when the relationship goes wrong.

May swing from placing you on a pedestal to behaving as if you mean nothing to them.

Unable to recognise their behaviour, which is upsetting to other people, and therefore unwilling/unable to change. It is this trait in particular that makes it almost impossible to sustain a loving sharing relationship with a narcissist.

Do you want to hear more? If not, I hope that helps you to understand how change can help you find and keep someone to love. Narcissism is human, and we must avoid condemning or idealising it if we want to understand this very real and painful condition.
Below is the post I tried to help another. I hope that is helpful. Be kind with your words and others. Aren’t you just tired of alone? I hope this helps.

http://help.com/post/158362-im-so-nar…

Donovan, I cannot and will not judge you. I think you’d like to be liked better than you are now. You cannot act “superior” toward others even if you beat them in the IQ department. Smart is as smart does, and it’s not smart to chase away those who would be your friends. Nor can you keep friends if you “toy” with their emotions. I hope that you will leave the alcohol alone and try to go out and enjoy life. I hope you will participate in some activities that “give back” to the community. That is where fulfillment is–helping others. You appear to have virtually limitless potential. I hope you use it to help others rather than just advance your own career.

Oh I love when people respect eachother. Good job you two.

instead of trying to fill the void with alcohol and food try doing other things that are more productive and being more open to people. if your open to someone nice then you wont get hurt. you could also see a shrink. they help with all types of problems

you are not a lonely man, you are a lonely conceited older teenager which is not that unusual. you are good at some things not so good at others. Just like everyone here.

mas1s wrote:
You know what Donovan - you didnt come here to get judged and maybe some of your comments were a bit inflammatory but if I were you I’d ignore most of the crap responses you got. My brother is an alcoholic and that doesnt mean I hate him. Why dont people get that bit. It’s an illness like any other - just happens that you pay for the ‘priviledge’ of being so ill. Anytime you want a chat just give me a shout. It looked like you were having a bit of an episode when you wrote this - stuff happens, come back and talk again. Take care - Mas 1s

Mas- I was trying to help this guy, but everytime anyone said anything he just continued to the very thing that brought him here. I was never judgemental on him nor gave him crap responses. I honestly think he came here for a pitty party or attention- not to get help.

Im not sure this is real. I thought Silverwings pointed out how he contradicts himself. This seems like negetive attention seeking. He doesn’t really sound like someone that is remorseful and asking for help. He is wearing his problem like a badge and almost proud he can get a rise out of someone. Who with a heart of gold would hurt someones underbelly.

Silverwings wrote:

donovan wrote:
First I size people up.
Then I find their inadequacies and I force then to talk about them.
All the while belittling them.
It is wonderful!

I think perhaps this is not real and someone is playing. I have been wrong before tho, and gave the benefit of doubt. I am going to move on.

donovan wrote:
I actually have a heart of gold.

donovan wrote:
I enjoy finding the soft underbelly (a contreversial emotion of the other person) then pushing it!

Nobody with a true heart of gold would even think of hurting someone else.

donovan wrote:
I am nice.
Overbouard nice.

donovan wrote:
No, I have a bleeding hart! It is my weakness.

donovan wrote:
I do have a lot to offer someone.

donovan wrote:
No I was a bully!

Sounds like there are at least two different individuals inside of you…….

Lol you are a loser

Frankly, I think that everyone has contradictions in themselves. Me for instance, I am a social person, but I’m also very private and a lot of what Donovan described about himself sounds a lot like me, I think the wording threw people off.

donovan wrote:
I enjoy finding the soft underbelly (a contreversial emotion of the other person) then pushing it!

Worded this way it sounds mean and offensive, but if it was worded differently it could mean something entirely different from how people took it. This could mean that Donovan tries to get to the core of a person or an issue, because this is something I know, you can’t get anywhere if you only touch the surfice, you have to get to someones core to really be able to help and sometimes you have to push when you reach that core to bring everything out. Now, of course I could be completely wrong as to how I took that to mean, but I think that Donovan could try to explain what he meant better.

Most people here know how I am now, but I used to be a bully in my younger days as well, I used to be a lot of things.

I am still naturally offensive because I am very honest and I can tick people off with so little effort on my part just by saying what I think and sometimes that is regardless of social graces, it’s just how I am. Most people that know me understand that about me and don’t hold my honesty against me, lol.

Well that certainly puts light on a different area. It’s interesting how we all think differently. Good job Fizz. Its very true how we come across and how we really are. Or what we say and how we really meant it. Interpretations and misinterpretations can be very costly and hurtful to all sides.

Mas, I understand where you are coming from, there’s alcoholism in my family as well and it can impact speech patterns and not just when someone is drunk, it can also impact how the people around you talk. I’ll use me as an example, when I was a kid I was a good kid, I was obdient and respect of my parents, except my mother when she was drunk, then I became bitter, ugly and blunt, I didn’t care about what I said to her because I had no respect, but being blunt became a part of who I am in general. It’s not like I don’t respect people now, but after years of the same self protection mechanism, well you know what I’m saying.

That sounds all to familiar Mas, waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for a new cycle to begin. My Mom has been sober for a lot of years now, but still you just never know and always look for the signs.

good luck!