Love help: just down. - Help.com

just down.

my confidence has never been the highest, but lately its been especially low. i think im extremely ugly and i feel fat. my hair feels like straw. my eyes are too plain and i have to smear dark makeup on my face to look interesting. i cry every night after my boyfriend calls me because he won’t talk to be about it. i try to stay on top of taking medicine but i forget so much and i feel bad when i do. my grades are sliiping and im afraid im going to fail this year and have to repeat it. everyone close to me is really smart so im afraid that i will let them down. i dont have any friends to talk to. people used to tell me all the time about how beautiful i am and smart and talented but lately no one has said much to me. my best friend puts me down a lot. my dad wants me to like what he likes (winter sports, hockey, concerts, crude puppetry) but i dont like being dragged around with him doing things i dont want to. my family is from canada and every year we go up north to ski and snowboard and visit them but i dont like my family or skiing so i said i didnt want to go this year and he talks down to me about it alot. my bestfriend always wants to compete. she is in more advanced classes than i am and shows off and says things like that she can help me with the classes she took last year tham im in this year because she passed them really good and all the teachers love her. all my teachers hate me exceot one but i think he only likes me because i can draw well and he likes it. my mom thinks im weird for drawing naked people but i think its just art and im not gross or anything. my boyfriend doesnt like it much either. i made him a big mural and it wasnt my best but he doesnt say much about it then i covered a t-shirt with my drawings that reminded me of him with a fabric pen and he didnt seem very thrilled about it. im very lonely. i hang out with people a lot but i still feel alone. i dont have anyone to talk to. im very close to my sister but every since she got physical with her boyfriend she doesnt talk to me very much. my family wants me to be a music teacher becauce im good at music and im the drum major at my school but i really just want to draw and paint all day. im afraid that i wont get into a good college and that i will be stuck in the same town all my life. i want to move out west to california but everyone tells me i cant do it. im afiraid but i dont have anything to lose. i dont want to tell anyone what i really want to do because im afraid they will get scared and tell me i cant do it more and then ill eventually believe them. my boyfriend is valedictorian at our school and i think he will be dissapointed. i hate myself. i used to cut but i quit. now i just want to be away from everyone. i dont want to die, i just want someone new. i want to move really far away where no one knows me so that i can start over and people will think im smart and pretty anf talented again. no one believes in me. my parents dont notice me much because my brother needs help with everything and my sister acts like she is five even though she is 18. i dont like my family because i am not good enough for them. all of my cousins are wrestlers and football players and cheerleaders and horse back riders or do girly things like girls should and im in band which isnt a big achievement in their eyes. i started out freshman year in all honors classes and then i dropped all but one this year and everyone seemed dissapointed. but i couldnt handle it. things are too difficult in honors classes for me so i feel like a failure. i dont want to just be a music teacher. i want to be famous and i want everyone to know who i am and love me and tell me i am pretty and skinny and i wish i was short because guys think im weird and all my guy friends treat me like im a boy and i dont flirt with them but i want them to treat me like a girl just a little bit. my boyfriend ignores me a lot and he doenst talk to me about how bad i feel because he is very busy. but i cant break up with him. ive been best friends with my best friend for ten years but she is very mean sometimes and likes to rub things in my face and thinks about herself alot especially since i got farther away from god she thinks im stupid or something. i feel like christians are just big cop-outs. none of them stick to their word and if you dont stay chaste or go to church they treat you like crap and talk about you behind your back like you are the devils advocate.
i really hate myself. everyone thinks that just because im ashamed of the christiam name that i dont believe in jesus. i feel very ugly and when i ask my boyfriend to call me pretty he just treats me like im very weird. i miss my sister very much and i wish my bestfriend would be nicer to me. i cry a lot but i tell people that i never cry because that shows weakness and if im drum major i cant be weak. i have the musical careers of 150 people depending on me and everyone tells me things that i cant handle so i feel like i ruin everyones life. i hate myself so much. i ask my mom if i can talk to someone but she forgets all the time to call the counselor. my dad gets mad at me because i dont have a job but he wont help me get my lisence so i can get one. im lonely. im ugly and my skin is covered with acne and purple spots. nobody tells me im pretty.

This open post was written 2 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 139, 8, 6 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

friends, Eye, music, art, Love, Boy, life, Skin, Family, school (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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