Love help: Tell me this isn’t crap! - Help.com

I think you are a wonderful woman, and right on base. keep up the good work. You have a control freak for a man. It always starts with verbal abuse.. cut this one loose baby… But I’m willing to bet you’ll have to kick his a$$ to the curb, he’ll not go on his own.

Sorry. It’s crap.

He’s a jerk if he tells you to lose weight or he will not marry you, especially since he should know you are already sensitive it that area. Why do some people assume they have the right to try and shape you in whatever image they like that day, simply because you have a relationship with them? If you don’t like the way your car looks, you get it altered or buy a new one, but if you don’t like the way your girlfriend looks, why the hell did you agree to be her boyfriend? He treats you like property - showing you off and being all possessive, but secretely ogling other ‘gadgets’ to see if he should trade you in. The difference is that you are not property and are really hurt by his behaviour. Confront him with it, explain that he’s hurting you. If he doesn’t change or he doesn’t care, show him that you are not property and trade him in!

get rid of him… i dont understand why anyone can let someone who supposedly loves them treat them that way!

i am a heavy girl myself… but i dont give a crap… i mean… ya it would be nice to be skinny but if it happens it happens if it doesnt who gives a ****!?

I have ben with a few men now and not one of them has made me feel ugly. im the only one who thinks that when it comes to relationships! lol!

Make a vow that no one is allowed to be in your inner circle that does not treat you with value and respect-and that goes for friends and family too, not just men you date or marry.

VirgoQueen wrote:
Make a vow that no one is allowed to be in your inner circle that does not treat you with value and respect-and that goes for friends and family too, not just men you date or marry.

This is a great principle to live by. Thanks for sharing it, VQ–we can ALL improve our lives by keeping this in view.

NO PROBLEM, GLAD TO HELP, WOMEN/LADIES WE NEED TO HELP UPLIFT EACH OTHER

theresape wrote:

VirgoQueen wrote:
Make a vow that no one is allowed to be in your inner circle that does not treat you with value and respect-and that goes for friends and family too, not just men you date or marry.

This is a great principle to live by. Thanks for sharing it, VQ–we can ALL improve our lives by keeping this in view.

Whats wrong with loosig weight and then you have the power to choose any guy you like.. Never ever put yourself in a position of weaKNESS IN A RELATIONSHIP OR YOU WILL BE DEPENDENT…

I think that is rediculous!! he needs to be happy with the way you look if he truely loves you!!!! and if you don’t feel like losing the weight then you shouldn’t and I don’t believe that this guy sounds right for you or anyone if he is going to be controlling like that, and if you two do get married, what happens if this guy becomes worse….

Aeo

aeolian mode wrote:
Whats wrong with loosig weight and then you have the power to choose any guy you like.. Never ever put yourself in a position of weaKNESS IN A RELATIONSHIP OR YOU WILL BE DEPENDENT…

No one’s saying that it’s not OK to lose weight, Aeo. But if a guy’s love—this guy’s or another’s—for her is CONTINGENT upon her losing weight, then it’s not robust enough to stand the test of time. Suppose she has kids and gains a few pounds? What, does that invalidate their marriage contract? It’s ludicrous to accept an offer of marriage that comes with conditions, spoken or unspoken. Suppose your husband lost his leg in a motorcycle accident. What are you going to do, say, “Sorry, I signed on a man with two legs, not one”?

“I love you” should mean, “I love you.” It should not mean, “I WOULD love you, if only you were different.” Nor should it mean, “I love you because you’re skinny.”

Most of the responders here got it right, hon–tell this guy, “Sorry, I am NOT the girl you are looking for. Wrong shape. And come to think of you, you are not the guy I am looking for. Wrong values.”

If you read enough posts on line from distraught wives, you will soon realize that a BAD marriage is far, far worse than NO marriage.

But I know you already knew that.

I stand by what I say and being a guy we are all very visual….Yea there might be a guy who will overlook this but then is he desperate.. If you come to a relationship with equal footing then the I loves yous should be real but even then not always.. Were all in it to get something out of it and I think if you loose weight, get yourself higher self esteem you will attract a much higher caliber guy and then you wouldnt be sooo heartbroken if he dumps you.. There will then be limitless other guys who will be glad to be with you.. Or you could do it your way a moarn forever why he doesnt love you…..

well you just proved my point.. First of all I know how hard it is to loose weight..But I am trying to help you long term not short.. Just for the shortterm remember there are plain a**holes in this world.. When you accept this truth you wont feel the need to add logic to the equasition.. When the mind doubts itself you reduce yourself to the least common denominator which in your case is his thought process..PS I know a way to loose weight that is fairly easy..

If YOU want to lose the weight, then go for it. You have done great going from size 24 to 18. But this guy if he loved you, he would not care what size you are. And if he doesn’t like it when a guy talks to you then it is like he is trying to control you and keep your confidence down by saying he won’t marry you until you lose weight. He sounds like a jerk. If you are happy with yourself, stay that way.

What comes next? “I would marry you if only you would have a nose job?”

“I would marry you if only you dyed your hair red?”

“I would marry you if only you had a sex-change operation?”

Aeol, I couldn’t disagree more that being thinner would make X attractive to “higher-caliber” guys.

It might make her attractive to MORE guys, but the ones who would like her then but do not like her now would just be shallower guys–lower-caliber, in fact. The higher-caliber guys measure their brides not by pounds or stones, but by the contact of their character.

I just this morning attended the funeral for a 61-year-old woman who was my dear, dear friend since the age of 5. Alice was a tiny, adorable child, full of spirit and laughter and fun. She bubbled her way through elementary and high school and when she was in her mid-20s (and, for the record, still thin), she married this guy who found her hot, hot, hot. He turned out to be a deadbeat. Little energy, no drive, no intellectual curiosity or culture. Give him a sixpack and a TV and he was all set. He quit work and stopped leaving the house as the result of some minor disability that he could easily have worked around if he’d had any spine. Dull as a rock. A real anchor around her neck.

In her late 30s, having borne three children, Alice lost 200 pounds (the deadbeat husband) and gained 120 pounds (extra body fat). But the fact is, men lined up to be near her! It didn’t matter that she was round as a beachball–what mattered was that she had SO much enthusiasm, good humor, energy, spirit, and sense of life. They simply wanted to be PART of that. She married one of them–a handsome, productive, absolutely delightful fellow who totally worshipped the ground Alice walked on. Their home was full of laughter, love, a spirit of endless celebration, and –need I say this?–good food. Food of the sort that no Barbie-doll-wife would ever serve. He cherished her every day and every hour for the rest of her life.

He doesn’t, he told us this morning, know what he is going to do without his beautiful Alice. He will not remember her for her plus-size sequined tunics. He will remember her for her bounteous effervescence and shared joy.

THAT’s the kind of guy you want to take up with, X! There are good men out there, men with the right sorts of values. Don’t let any jerk make you feel like you’re damaged goods, and like he is doing you a favor to pay attention to you.

I pray you will, Xclusive! You sound like a very special person, and you should definitely not sell yourself short.

dump the ba$tard. Then rub it in his face. thats what i would do. :)

Anything you do to your body has to be for you and you alone. Not for attracting better looking guys, not for your ex - I am sure he is your ex by now, just for you. Even then you have to ask yourself if you are putting yourself through something that you don’t really need.
Your confidence is low so your self esteem is low too. maybe you are good looking and not so round as you seem to think. You have to be a kindly judge when you judge yourself.
First make sure your ex is your ex - he is no good to anyone and he likes to control you - it will get worse and then he will use you and enjoy them. Then, start to call people a little less. It is not their fault he is trying it on with them as well, they will be treated as badly as you and he seems to have a great flaw - he is weak and vunerable and needs to bully to feel better about himself. the girl on the phone probably felt she was being treated badly by you phoning up.
Then, start going to a club where he is not and relax again.
If you do lose weight because it matters to you, then don’t go shaking your new body at him - try someone who wants you for you. Wave this guy goodbye.

Oh, yeah, i don’t know how much bread you eat, but you can lose weight just by cutting it out all together. Eat something else to fill the gap like fruit. Walk for an hour everyday, not dawdling, but spritely. You will see the difference.

i think you should deff get shot of this guy he sounds like an absolute tool. You sound like a lovely warm hearted person and you WILL find someone. You sound pretty confident and thats a great quality to have. Ultimatley only you can make the decision but hope this helps.

Lose that loser, or we’ll all come over to your house and huff and puff and blow it down! ;-) I mean, this guy is not just a loser, but a “world class” loser! Being married to him would be a marriage made in hell. He’d cheat on you and say, “If you lose another five pounds, I’ll stop cheatring on you!” Someone should tell him, “Hey, if you can raise you IQ another 25 points, I’ll marry you!” That should take him the better part of a geological epoch! Really, get rid of him. Don’t know how you ended up with this guy, but you’ll feel great once you dump him! And dump him with gusto, never looking back!

chev.jame wrote:
Lose that loser, or we’ll all come over to your house and huff and puff and blow it down! ;-) I mean, this guy is not just a loser, but a “world class” loser! Being married to him would be a marriage made in hell. He’d cheat on you and say, “If you lose another five pounds, I’ll stop cheatring on you!” Someone should tell him, “Hey, if you can raise you IQ another 25 points, I’ll marry you!” That should take him the better part of a geological epoch! Really, get rid of him. Don’t know how you ended up with this guy, but you’ll feel great once you dump him! And dump him with gusto, never looking back!

Brilliant answer! Goodonya, chev.jame!

Now stop right there exclusive! that is enough. Haven’t you listened to one thread of advice given on your behalf. You are not stupid, or are you? I wonder. If you carry on the way you are going you will end up with your just deserts - married to this junk of a waste of time and used used used. He will have your money, your time, your love and you will wash his clothes and iron his shirts - the ones he will be wearing to go off and seek his pleasures elsewhere. Of course he was staring at you all night - he is manipultaing you and the more he does it the more suseptable you will become. Cut him off right now and change your telephone number.
Give up going to those stupid clubs and give up thinking that life is all about ******* and whether you can strut your stuff on the dance floor - life is bigger than that and you I hope are not the **** you seem to be coming across as.
You describe yourself as a good woman - then be a good woman, go to church and learn respect for yourself. Join one of those wonderful gospel choirs and put all this sickening nonsense out of the back door before you end up stuck with it.

I know I am - hope you change and get a good life for you and your son.

Look, Xclusive, you know I’m on your side–I’ve been applauding you since the beginning of this post–but there is another side of you emerging here that may be of concern, as Patric1 points out. If you want to be treated as an awesome woman, you’ll do better to behave like one. Patric1 takes note of your hanging out at sleazy clubs where this lowlife appears. I, too, have a concern, which is your habit of referring to other women as “*******,” as if it were an acceptable noun for any female. I really, truly believe that you have a very classy side, and that’s the one that needs to emerge if you are going to find guys of good character who are going to treat you well. I want that for you. I think you deserve it. I think you have a lot between the ears, you’re a smart and capable lady. But I worry that you won’t find it if you let this other side of your personality steer the ship. Think about your son, and think about what YOU want. Then stop the trash-talking, stay away from gutter rats, and try to keep your eye on the prize, which is respect.

Good luck to you, my friend.

Xclusive1, I’m going to side with Theresape on the club scene. You’re not going to meet a lot of high-quality guys there. You’ll find more like your ex-boyfriend. That’s not to say that going to a club every now and then is bad, but you don’t want to pick up any “regulars” there, because: (1) they don’t have anything else going on in their lives, and (2) they may be hard core alcoholics. I see that you’re a single mom, and I know what it’s like, as I was a single parent for seven years. I found out quickly that if you go to bars to look for women, you’ll find mostly barflies. Or “clubflies” in the “club scene.” If I were you, I’d cede the clubs to my jerk ex-boyfriend. Let him continue to drown his troubles in the sauce. You don’t need that! You’ve got a child, and you’ve got potential, and you had better stop thinking of yourself as “ugly” because you’re not. If you were to switch the club scene for the church scene, you’d probably find some really decent men. You need a decent guy in your life right now. And if you go back to the clubs, your ex will think it’s because you want to see him!

Church, night school, volunteer work, the PTA, eharmony.com, high-class friends, even speed-dating events. I met the great love of my life at a Bloodmobile. One look at the guy, and I knew a) he was beautiful, b) he was generous, and c) he was straight and HIV-negative, or they never would have taken his donation! Alleluhiah! Be still my heart!

Good for you anon, and what a great way to to find a healthy generous and beautiful partner!:D Be still MY heart, never mnd yours;)

I had a feeling that there was a side of this story that was not being told until now.. Makes us all wonder when we help relationship issues if, without the other side of the story if we are really helping or coddling…