Daniel.Sandberg edited this post 3 years, 1 month ago. Read the previous text »
What’s more important? - I recently got engaged to a wonderful woman. She is 3 years my senior and after she graduated college, she came to the University of Connecticut (UCONN) to complete a PhD in organic chemistry. I am graduating with my bachelors in chemistry in the spring and I have to make a choice. I can stay at UCONN for my PhD or I can go to MIT. If I stay at UCONN I get to be with this woman everyday, however, there is a stigma associated with doing your graduate and undergraduate work at the same school. If I go to MIT, a school which accepts
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If I go to MIT, a school which accepts less than 1 percent of applicants, I’ll have a far more sucessful career but I’ll probably hardly ever get to see my fiance. I want to stay at UCONN but my advisors are pushing me to take this opportunity to study at MIT. Any advice?
How is this even a question? With all due respect to your girl and the love you guys have you’d be a fool to pass that up. A PHD from MIT? I mean in all seriousness she could up and decide you aren’t for her anymore TONIGHT. Their are a billion single guys that thought their last girl was the end of their search.
Go to MIT.
I’m with Galvatron. Go to MIT. Choose the school that actually helps you the most professionally. As much as you care for this woman, if you are engaged, your relationship will not end just because you are at MIT. It will be hard for you both, but at the end of the day, she’ll want you to do what’s right for your professional future. After all, in the end, it becomes a future you can both benefit from.
Exactly and what if you stay behind and then resent her for it later?
I agree with Theisen and Galvatron, you should continue your career, she will always be there for you or you will have to move on. You still have the option of a long distance relationship and a chance to be together after your career path is less hectic. Time is irrelevant; anyone who truly loves you will be there for you. Good Luck.
Daniel, with her being in the same field of study, she should understand what it means to go to MIT. If you tell her you are going to MIT and she argues it. You can use the rebutal “A PHd from MIT is only going to further our future together.” Go with gut on this one, not heart.
Okay - I hear you guys and I don’t disagree, but let me play devils advocate for a second here cause there are a few things I neglected to mention. One, she’s actually been pushing me to go to MIT. She even offered to move to Boston with me and restart her PhD at Boston College or something. Two, she passed up Cornell to come to UCONN to be with me. Three, her and I just bought a condo in the area, before I applied to grad school. We’ve been living there for about 4 months now and I really enjoy fixing it up. If I go to Boston I won’t be able to afford to buy anything, nor will MIT afford me the time. Four, I just applied to MIT to see if I’d get in. I never though it would actually happen! Truth is, I am a little worried I won’t be able to make it. Does this change anybodys mind or do you all still say I should certainly go?
One more thing I should definitely mention. I’ve been asking the faculty here for advice as well. What I have been hearing is this - If I want to be a professor, which I don’t, then going to a top school is key. However, if I go into industry then it doesn’t really matter. My future employers will ask me why I stayed and, from what I’ve been told, my reason is perfectly acceptable. Furthermore, one of the professors here wants to venture into a start-up company and has asked me to be a reasearch assistant for his group and possibly come to the company as a partner.
Basically, I wouldn’t be staying at UCONN because I’m afraid I won’t make it with this girl. If I stay, I’d be staying because I think I’d be happier here. Should I be miserable for 4 or 5 years and tough it out? Maybe - I mean, a PhD from MIT does have a nice ring to it.
Man, come on. If you got in, you can get through it if you want to. You sound like you’re trying to make excuses, no offense. I fail to see how your hobby of fixing up a condo would be a reason not to go to MIT, that’s just weak sauce.
Don’t feel like you owe her something because she passed up Cornell. Yeah that was awesome but it was her choice.
Your education is ETERNAL. What are you going to do if you stay and then in 2 months she walks out on you? It’s a hard fact to face but it’s out there. If she is truly all you say she is I can’t see her asking you to do anything other than go to MIT. If she wants you to pass that up to be with her all the time I would reevaluate her opinion of her.
Eternal, is what marriage is supposed to be.
Marriages have what, a 65% divorce rate? Your education can’t be taken from you.
People dont often consider divorce as a possibility when they are in love enough to get married. Good point, but its not helping Daniel. I think his mind is already made up. Hes just stabbing at ghosts here.
I’m not trying to be bitter here or pigeon-hole Daniel or his love life but I’ve had more than one girl I was CONVINCED they were the one only to wake up one day and realize I didn’t love them anymore or wake up one morning to find out they didn’t come home last night. I just don’t want him to pass up something like MIT and then regret it when the girl is gone.
You both actually have good points here. Animal - I like that phrase, “stabbing at ghosts”. I did sort of make up my mind to stay at UCONN, but there seems to be something still bothering me about it. Galvatron - I am totally making up excuses. The truth is the relationship is an excuse in itself. Before I met Megan, I wanted to stay at UCONN and told my advisor this. He told me I should shoot for the stars and look elsewhere. My relationship at this point was the perfect out for me to just stay here. PhDs are tough to complete, anywhere. The UCONN program requires a minimum work week of 80 hours. The coursework is not by any means simple and if you get a grade of less than a B in any class your out of the program. As tough as this sounds, MIT is obviously worse. I hate the fact that fear is making me consider not going but the wash out rate at MIT is ridiculous. I’m flattered that my acceptance has impressed you but next year I could be sitting on a curb in Boston, having flunked out of the program. Its sink or swim and even if I can keep my head above water I just don’t know that I want to take on that kind of stress. Well… the deadline to choose is in December so I’ll keep you both posted. Thanks again!
Im glad that your thinking on the subject is clear. You seem to be clear headed. Not many people can admit when they are making excuses. Im impressed at your ability to not only see it, but admit it as well. The only thing that bothers me is that you’ve still not mentioned talking to Megan about this. If you don’t feel as though you can talk to her about major life decisions, are you sure marriage is the way to go?
O I’ve talked to Megan about this at length, months and months ago. The thing is - she tells me to go to MIT and do what is good for me. Which is very sweet, but she pretty much leaves the ultimate decision to me. She has been the best about not trying to push me too hard in either direction, and to assure me that whatever I decide things will work out great. I guess I just didn’t want to have to make the decision because, in some ways, its lose/lose. I mean, I’m very grateful to have so many opportunities. Its just, if I stay here, obviously I’m passing up MIT. If I go, then I’ll be uprooting myself from a place that I’m very comfortable in and I may end up washing out of MIT.
I hate it when my wife does that to me. It seems like a very sweet gesture at first, then comes all the pressure. I talked with her about doing that to me (meaning the “Its ok, whatever makes you happy, its your decision” attitude) I told her I hated when she did that because I value her opinion and her feelings, or I wouldn’t have asked for them in the first place. The last time she did that to me, I made it clear to her that if in fact I made the wrong decision, she would never have the right to rub it in or give me an “I told you so” if I made the wrong choice. She had the opportunity to give her side and was choosing to pass it up. She admitted to me that she thought I was going to make the mistake, that she wanted to see how I would handle it. I told her I felt as though it was an unfair test. If we are to function as a team, we have to act like one. I took her advise (against what I felt I should have done) and it turned out she was right. I thanked her for speaking up! We have been a much stronger couple since. Take that for what its worth, Im not trying to stir anything new for you.
No I hear you. Very true. And she has given me her opinion. She’s said (in the sweetest and most unselfish way I can imagine) - I like UCONN, I’ve invested 3 years in the PhD program here, I like my house and my new friends and I don’t want to start over. She’s said, she thinks I’ll get a job, no problem, and that she would most like me to open my own company (which I’ve talked about for awhile now), in which case I don’t need MIT. She concluded with, MIT is an amazing star on anyone’s resume and if I want it I should go for it and we as a couple will deal with the consequences.
However, I’ve reach my decision (sort of). There is a third option I didn’t really bring up before becaue I’m not thrilled about it. I can do a masters at UCONN and then re-apply to MIT. MIT is far more likely to except masters candidates then PhD candidates so I’ll have no problem getting in. The best past is, I can apply to UCONNs PhD program and leave when I get my master’s equivalent. So technically, I’m not making any decision. I’m keeping both doors open for another year, at which point Megan will have a better idea of when she’ll be done with her thesis. thanks for the help though guys.
C.M.Theisen
Jigoku Shoujo
animal
Galvatron The Cynica