life help: My Epiphany - Help.com

My Epiphany

Ok, so, I’ve found a way to help re-build everything I’ve messed up. From now on, no more lies, no more crap that my inner child would kick my a** for. I’ve talked to a few people and friends here at help.com and I’ve come to a decision. It’s time to face up to the music of reality and quit screwing around.

No more games, no more ignorance and no more hiding from reality. I will not give out advice I do not follow myself. I will no longer be a hypocrite, and I will no longer pretend I know more than I do. Well, not that I’ve done that philosophically, but hell, but as well go the whole nine yards.

I’m re-inventing myself. I want to be something I can be proud of, someone my family will be proud of. Most of all though, I want to be something that my younger self can be proud of. I want to be the person I promised myself to be. No more hiding away from the world and holding onto the past, no more cruel and hurtful agendas to people who have NOTHING to do with what’s already happened.

I can’t remember where the quote comes from, or even if I remember it correctly but here goes “I must except the things I cannot change, and embrace the things I can” or something like that.

Ironically, I think they actually say that in rehabilitation groups. Well, this is my own rehabilitation. This is MY addiction that I’m breaking. Starting now, I’m not a new person, but I’m the old me. The child I forgot so long ago who if was here and had the realization of the monster it didn’t create, would kick my f*****g a**. I’m doing this for her, I’m doing this for me, and darn it, I’m doing it for him.

I’ll admit it. I screwed up badly, I was cold, I was cruel. But I can’t change that, I can’t change the fact I stooped so low as to push someone else into this messed up place in my head. I’m sure they’re p****d at me too. I was angry at myself, I was guilty, yes. But like a friend told me the other day, I need to find out whether I can forgive myself and find out how to get that back.

For the last few days, I’ve been sitting on this guilt hill pasture and like he said, feeling sorry for myself. I can admit that now, I was. I was disappointed in myself, and I WAS feeling sorry for myself. He’ll be angry and hurt for some time to come, I know that. And perhaps without feeling sorry for myself, I need to not expect it, but accept it. I asked for this to happen, I knew it was going to, and now I need to face the consequences. I’ve learned from it now, and now it’s time for me to grow the f*** up, stop living in fantasy land and become someone who my parents do NOT define.

Deep down, I think I was afraid of myself becoming everything everyone told me I was going to be. I denied it so much, and I was so terrified, that I didn’t realize I put myself in a position to become everything I hated. I didn’t wake up and smell the reality that it was MY choice to falter, and it was MY choice not to. I avoided it so much, I didn’t realize it would be my f*** up.

But you know what? I’ve realized it now, and it will NOT beat me. I DO have a choice now, I have a choice to be who I wanted to be all along, I have a choice on how I handle reality, the good, and the bad. I have a choice to either grow up and accept my responsibilities and MY life, or whether to give up and let it consume me until there’s nothing left.

I didn’t destroy people, I destroyed myself. And now, it’s time to fix myself and be that one that breaks free. It’s time for me to achieve that goal of being ME. I think I’ve grown up, I’ve really grown up. And f***, it feels good. So good, that I’m sitting here in tears writing this because I’m finally accepting me. I didn’t think I’d ever do that.

So here’s to me, the old-new me. Here’s to life, and here’s to the rest of mine. Cheers!

This open post was written 4 months, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 185, 2, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

life, Reality, Kick, Person, Guilt, Day, Child, Accept, Find, Sitting, Epiphany, re-inventing, learning (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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