Year help: Help me to talk with my dad. - Help.com

Maybe write him a letter? No guarantee he’ll read it, but you’ll know you tried.

So, you were… in grade 9? Sorry, what’s a standard??
Anyway, so what he’s annoyed about is that you have been dating boys and so on? what if you stopped dating for a while?

Anna, I don’t fully understand. Why was your dad “abroad” during such important years. I’d be happy to help, if I can, but I don’t understand why any parent would not be with his child during such formative years?

What you should do largely depends on why he wasn’t around.

I was at first writing this thing about how there are cultural differences and such, but maybe I’m making it too complicated and father/daughter relationships are more simiilar than I imagine.

In your eyes, he is the man who gave you life and taught you about laughing and was your hero and caught you when you fell. I doubt that’s really different no matter the country!

In his eyes, you are this delicate, impossibly perfect blossom that sprung into existence one day and tore at his heart in such a good yet heart breaking way, he probably still can’t quite breath easily about you. I think that’s true of how daddy’s feel about their daughters the world over. It’s certainly true of me and my dad!

But you aren’t an impossibly perfect blossom. You are probably quite blossomy, but you are not perfect (no offense!) You were still mostly a little girl when he left and you became much closer to the woman you will be for the rest of your life while he was gone, and now you are you and a bit of a stranger to him.

for you, he didn’t change much, if at all over 5 years. He is still the hero you love, the person you need to help you in life, the model upon which you will, in one way or another judge all future men in your life.

It’s not kind of him to shut you out, and I’m frankly more than a bit angry at him. He has the miracle of a daughter, but he will shut you out? Unacceptable to me. But I am not you, and you want help.

You will have to treat him as you would a stranger, it sounds like. You may only be able to talk to him about movies or books or sports, or whatever interests you. Continue to write to him about trivial matters like this, if only because then you know you tried.

He robbed you of a father during years you perhaps most needed onel. Maybe he had to, and if that’s the case, I hope in time he will forgive himself for having to leave you and will at least talk about sports you both like.

At some point, however, you will have to accept what you have, and sadly, that may be a man who was once your father and somewhere along the way became a stranger of whom you are fond. I guess my point in saying this, is we all have to change our relationships with our parents at some point. for you, it sounds like he chose to change that relationship when you were 14.

Don’t give up on him, because I feel we are bound by duty and love to always honor our parents. Continue to send him letters about your life, but maybe only write about trivial things.

I worry more, however, about his adversely affecting your ability to have happy relationships with others! Please make sure you focus on not letting his failures stop you from being happy!

Have you spoken to your mother about this? Perhaps she can explain what he’s thinking, or how you can close to him again.
Your father is behaving (I apologize if this seems rude) like a two-year-old. Parents should be able to forgive their children… parents should be the ADULTS in these relationships. If he thinks you are doing/ you did something wrong, he should be trying to teach you how to do something RIGHT instead.
What did you do that was so bad, went out with a few boys he disapproved of? I mean, he’s your FATHER… he should be ready to accept you for who you are! And no parent should hate their children for MISTAKES.
So… I think your father needs to get over this.
But what can YOU do? I’d talk to him… tell him you are sorry for the mistakes that you made, tell him you miss him and you wish he was back.
Are you sure he doesn’t love you anymore? I mean, you haven’t spoken to him in six years… maybe he does, he just doesn’t know how to talk to you anymore than you do to him.

Relatives. Talk to relatives… and tell them the problem, and ask them for help.
But like mariposa said…. don’t let him ruin the rest of your life.

Your father is being sooo cruel to you! He has no right to do this.
Tell your uncle to ask him what he thinks he’d doing to you!
Also… why isn’t he talking to you, exactly? Like, what did you do thats “so awful”?

No parent gets to choose WHO their children will be.

We get to raise them in the environment we think is best, but only to some extent. We don’t get to raise them in bear caves or feed them only milk and honey. We have to make them wear clothes, send them to school, and find ways to help them fit with the society they belong to.

We get to raise them with our beliefs, but only as long as they aren’t harmful. We don’t get to beat them senseless to cast out our demons, make them handle vipers to prove our faith, or put them in strait jackets when they start acting out.

We can abdicate our responsibilities to some extent. We can leave ‘em with relatives or foster homes or boarding schools while we follow our bliss or work at better jobs. But if we do, we don’t get to gripe if those people raise them in a different environment or teach them different beliefs.

Your father wasn’t there to raise you. He wasn’t there to set the limits, he wasn’t there to give you the guiding hand, he wasn’t there to teach you his ideas of right and wrong. But even if he was, he would still have no real say over WHO you are.

If you are gay, too bad. He has nothing to say about it. If you are a liberal, a red head, a giggle-box or a gourmet, he has nothing to say about it. That is just WHO you are, and that is determined by forces entirely beyond his control.

So…if he doesn’t love you, that’s his problem. It’s his mistake, his mental aberration, his failure and his LOSS.

Send him a sympathy card. Really. “So sorry for your terrible loss”.

Then move on with your life. Crying over him is a waste of salt and water.

Hi Anna,
I found this posting by typing in .. “my father hasnt talked to me in 6 years”… I am in the same boat as you are. I want to know why. I called last year only to be ignored, Ive written a card a year hoping it was my stepmom that didnt give it to him. And finally 5 days ago I emailed him. And.. no responce. I desperately want a father and Im 29 years old and Im still not over it. My dad left at 13 and stayed close to my sister, but started ignoring me .Weve tried to patch things. They started to patch up @ age 23 but .. then I met my husband and he didnt like him and when I finally stood up and said no .. you dont have the right to have a say in my life. … I got married and didnt invite him. Like when he had gotten married and not invited me. We are similar in character. We dont want people to try to ruin something we feel we have the right to have . However .. we are different even though Im extremely upset .. I cant disown him as he can me….That was 6 years ago and he hasnt spoken to me since. Ive said Im sorry and its dont no good. The day after my wedding he emailed the most hurtful letter that Ive ever seen , and even numbered it as a list to fail by.He told me that i was going to be divorced and never become anything…among other things that hurt so bad…Well 6 years later I continued to tour the world as a professional figureskater and perform on the LAS VEGAS Strip as a lead dancer and now Im the entertainment director at a major Vegas Nightclub..and yes Im still married…Maybe he cant face that hes wrong.. I will always ask the questions as you do. But I feel I will never have answers. I want to send a nasty email but I dont want to sink to his level. Its hard .. But dont drive yourself crazy . You are beautiful and you cant change him. Although its hard… try to put it out of your mind. Try to do it. Contact him everyonce in awhile and dont expect anything. At least youve done what you can do. Good Luck… and Breathe it will all be okay. - I too am confused on how a father can do this to their child…my mom is tired too and says he loves me, the rest of my family stays out of it .. however I did get the email address from my sister. , so a thankyou to her for that… I figured the email would give me peace and its given me nothing but torment……we sound so much alike girl…. just know you arent alone and there is nothing wrong with you .. Its him…Kat