Love help: Do I move on or keep things the way that they are? - Help.com

wait. are you guys cheating on your other mates?

Why don’t you want the kids to know that you are dating? Personally, I wouldn’t like being in that kind of relationship and would move on.

he shouldnt be afraid to show you the kids. you might wanna talk about that with him

there is something very wrong with this relationship! you need to be totally open with each other about everything! you cant just hide your kids like this forever! it does not make any sense!!! if he is behaving like this, then it shows that he just wants to sleep with you. If he really cares about you, then he will be happy to share his children with you and vise versa. What is the deal???

So.. he resentded other women. That doesn’t give him a reason or a right to reject your kids?

He’s saying he won’t back down about this. He will not give you more.

You want to spend the rest of your life with a man who keeps his children from sharing happiness because he has hang ups???

In my opinion something is not right here and you need to be wary. He’s hiding you. What else does he hide?

Walk away. If he truly loves you he’ll come get you, children and all.

resented* sorry! typos creeping in

Sorry if I sounded harsh there hun. But sometimes the direct answer is the only one that is heard.

He is too comfortable with how things are and it’s not right for you or your children.

The question now is how to do it, yes?

I understand that. What you need to do first is to widen your circle of friends. you can do that by joining a club (perhaps with your kids?) or attending local events. Check your local library for divorcee and family support groups. If there isn’t one, there’s nothing stopping you creating your own.

When you have more friends, you may feel less dependent on this person whom you have grown so attached to. Perhaps that’s part of it even? Dependance born out of your circumstances?

Get to know the few friends you do have again. Throw a party, a bbq or something or arrange a meal out at a restaurant. You don’t have to give explanations.. just do it! Send out some invites saying “hey guys, it’s been too long since we got together and i’m throwing a bbq…” or something.

Having friends there for you will give you confidence. Then you can begin to think about moving jobs, location and all that stuff.

If you feel strong enough.. do the friend nurturing and the job hunting at the same time. Why not?

Go for it! You have a whole life ahead of you. Enjoy it.

you’re welcome. Let us know how you got on. If you need us again, just holler.

Let me say this without shocking you.

Your kids already know.

Yeah, shocking huh? A child always knows what is going on with their parents. Whether they’re happy, unhappy, etc. They just figure because you haven’t told them, you don’t want them to know what they’ve already figured out. 3 Years? Yup, they definitely know what’s up. You can’t hide a lot from kids these days, especially for that long. Chances are, they just haven’t said anything. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Especially when it’s about what goes on around them, and especially when it comes to their parents dating; even more so when it’s been going on for 3 years. Whether they’re 5, or 15.

My guess is, his kids know it too. Just because he resented the other woman, does not mean his kids will too, or that your kids will. That’s going on personal experiance and doesn’t even count. Sorry to be harsh, but he’s being ridiculous, paraniod and selfish from what it sounds. Make it clear to him that if he’s really serious, he needs to move foward in your relationship, like others have said, he’s feeling too comfortable with the way things are. The kids WILL find out someway or another if they aren’t already suspicious. And you guys keeping it from them is more likely going to be the cause of the resentment rather than to savor it. So really, he’s making it worse rather than being honest with his children, and that’s a bad sense of parenting.

I had one of those b/f’s - trying to say this calmly - he’s not worth it. Your kids already know - the minute they can talk they know everything. Dont make your life a ‘dirty little secret’. You know the conclusion I came to. It was any excuse for him not to take responsibility - dont believe all that rubbish about his past - it may be true but it doesnt mean he cant be a bigger and better man than his father. Certainly change jobs and do what else you have been advised - get out there - you should not be hidden behind closed doors - and your children will eventually wonder what it is you are hiding if this carries on - they will think it’s their fault! Change jobs, keep talking and start living . Lots of luck - Mas

Skies - I have a funny feeling you know the answer to this one - it’ll come around when you are comfortable with it. Funny thing is he is probably holding you back more (and you are letting him) than you will ever know. Please make yourself the important one here - and your children - best of luck - truly - this will take courage to change something that you have gotten so used to. Carpe diem skies - Regards Mas

Like we said Skies, he’s too comfy! And I hate to say this Mas is right. You are not prioritising yourself here. Even HOW you told him is the “don’t want to hurt anyone so i’ll put the emphasis on his needs” kind of way. Instead of saying HE’D be better off, be bold and say it like it is. You don’t have to be mean or agressive, just assertive. Tell him “I’m not comfortable with our relationship as it stands because I don’t like the secrecy. I want to involve our kids and let them share here. I have heard your reasons for not wanting to .. and I think you need to set aside those thoughts and do what is right. If you can’t, then you have to accept this relationship is not going to work out”.

If you don’t tell him exactly what is wrong, he can neither fix it nor confirm he’s not the one to be with.

Good luck Skies! Keep us posted.