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I’m pushing my boyfriend away!
! I need to get control over my moods! I keep being really huffy with him if he speaks to me in a way I don’t like or if he’s late home from work, for example. I feel like I’m getting really possessive over him. I don’t want to be like this, but my moods are almost out of control! Help!
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I’m guessing you are young, and it’s normal for young people to have difficulty with mood swings.
You probably are pushing him away, is the thing, and if you are constantly moody and huffy, if he’s a good guy, eventually he’ll get sick of it and not bother with you anymore. If he’s kind of a wimp, he’ll probably stick around, but then you’ll be this huffy, grumpy person stuck with a wimpy oddball. That doesn’t sound fun does it?
and I don’t know you or him, so for all know he’s sort of flaky and maddening and you are well in your rights to be annoyed.
Even if that is the case, we all have to deal with flaky, maddening people in life, and now is as good a time as any to do that in a way that makes you feel confident and relaxed and not like a huffy, moody mess.
It sounds cheesy, but it actually works to simply count to 10 and focus on only breathing in and out for 10 seconds. Listen to your heart rate, let your breating be normal, let your visceral reactions to things (ie, maybe you get flushed, or get goose bumps, or have a lot of adnrenaline when you are disppointed). If you give your body a chance to calm down and let your mind react in a calmer state, in time, you will learn to say things in a way that doesn’t escalate a problem.
It also helps to say something kind and true before complaining to someone. It’s hard to go into a rant if you first remind yourself of why you like the person and don’t want to push them away.
Thanks for your advice! I’m 27 so not so young… I also think he will eventually get sick of pandering to my moods! He’s a really wonderful guy and we’ve been together six years. He normally responds by trying to make me feel better and apologising a lot.
My problem is that this dark mood takes over me and I can only see the thing I’m annoyed about but I don’t want to be that way. I really like your idea of saying something kind before criticising.
Well it sounds like he must care about you if he is trying to be helpful. I can see how if you are having a problem with a “dark mood”, that you would end up taking that out on whoever is nearest, and he is trying to be helpful and apogolize, but you know it’s not really his fault, so you probably only end up feeling worse.
Have you talked to him specifically about these moods? Maybe the two of you together can come up with a set of signals. he can promise to tell you if you are pushing him too far, and you can promise to simply quit talking about whatever is annoying you, and you both go to separate parts of the house for a bit. That way, you are getting negative feedback for something you don’t want to do instead of positive feedback, which is what you are getting now when he tries to make you feel better. It shouldn’t be an angry signal. It should probably be something that makes you both laugh. He calls out “ronald mcdonald!” and you have to agree to hush for a bit.
Also, maybe keep a succinct journal about your days, what you eat, what you accomplished, what you wanted to accomplish. That way, maybe you can find a pattern in why some days you have these dark moods. You can also keep track of what helped you get out of these funks. If it ends up being persistent and really distracts you from happiness, you can always see a doctor, and the journal will be very helpful to him or her in offering suggestions.
Thanks so much for your help!
I just came across your post and was wondering how everything turned out. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now and when the little things make me mad it’s like I can’t get passed them cuz he just doesn’t get it.
i have the same thing going on. check into side effects of your birth control. ive been off depo for 4 months and my mood swings are out of control. in the 10 years weve been on and off he has hurt me more than a person should deal with. he is serious about me now and more in love with me for sticking around than ever. he is now sober and faithful and just graduated from college. its so weird for me that i cant let go of the feeling that im missing something. that something is going on behind my back. like everything is too perfect. 10 years of learning the hard way to be suspicious of him and after 6 months he expects me to trust him. this is especially hard for me as a paranoid schizoeffective with bipolar and ocd. i have trouble telling reality from fantasy so after 10 years of him mixing lies with the truth i feel like a naive dolt for believing anything even slightly suspicious until he proves it. i know i need to start believing that not every phone call is a trampy aquaintence but its hard.
I should mention he has the same diagnosis but different symptoms. instead of paranoia he has dellusions of grandure so he believes he is god and magical. add the drugs and he ended up believing anything any woman would tell him. hes been working on improving his life and not hurting me for the past 3 and a half years. he has finally succeeded and been great for 6 months. i freak every time he has to call me back or says his phone is dying or that me wants to hang out with his annoying junkie brother because i wonder what hes really doing even though lately it always turns out to be exactly what he says he was doing. like i say. check your birth control side effects. i also hope i dont drive him away or that its too late for him to earn my trust. you might want to ask your doctor about medication for anxiety and learn about meditation as well.
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