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sometimes i just wanna cut it all out, cut off this, cut out that…
im not suicidal dont get me wrong, i’d never kill myself, but sometimes i do hate myself, i think a lot of people do, especially around a certain time of the month… but surely hormones shouldnt make you hate yourself? but maybe they just strengthen the emotions you already have…
Heres the thing, I love my boyfriend, i love being with him, i dont want it to end, i dont want to ruin this or hurt him but im so scared that i will. I know i shouldnt be, ive heard of a self fulfilling prophecy, but i cant help being scared, its because hes so precious to me, the only guy ive ever been in love with.
Ive done some stupid stupid things in the past and it would kill him to know them… when im with him at times like these, my head is full of all the things ive done and im so sure he will hear my thoughts and i’ll turn to look at him and he’ll jus be staring at me… and i’ll know he knows everything.
I cheated on him once, right at the beginning of the relationship, with an ex, i’d never cheat now, its only because i was weak and didnt love him then like i do now, and id never want to hurt him again… he hates both my exes and sometimes i get scared i’ll make a reference like ‘remember the time when…’ and i’l be mistaken and it wont have been him…
He thinks, aside from the cheat, ive only ever ‘been’ with him, which is true, i mean ive never slept with anyone else but… it would just kill him if he knew.
And i know the longer i leave it the worse it would be if he found out but i’ll never tell him, i could never do that to him, I know i shouldve told him earlier, but…. how could i? and anyway whats it to him what i did with other boyfriends? He always says he doesnt care about the past, its the present and future that matters, but the pasts the thing that could really hurt him… If i lost him I truly think i would die
This open post was written 1 year, 5 months ago | V/U/S: 203, 6, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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