Love help: I have recently been dumped (last week) after a roller coaster 2 years with the guy. - Help.com

He sounds indecisive of what he really wants. I use to be like him, always breaking up and thinking maybe this isnt right, then going back and apologizing. But i figured out why i did that and thats because the person i was with was making me feel inadequate, she did not trust me, at all. Also if you say its his idea you moved out and not yours too, he might be feeling you resent him for that. I also remember me asking my girlfriend to move out and she said she wasnt ready and i resented her for that. So I dont know, maybe its something your doing.

He wanted to move into my place, but each time he split he used to go (I didn’t even get a chance to ask him). Its just so hurtful that someone who is usually so loving towards you can go so cold so instantly. It makes me wonder if he really meant all what he was saying when he comes back telling me he will make it all good.

WE men tend to go cold at times and hide in a cave. Its a horrible trait :( but you know whats a great cure for that? Show him how much you love him throw your pride out the window walk up to him kiss him and hug him.

Oh defintiely!! I agree - he often says he just needs a bit of space as he is so busy splitting his time with his children, me and then the odd night out with his mates. The thing is I don’t think chasing him works. It seems to go teh opposite when I have chased him before. Usually he comes round after I dissappear off the scene for a bit. just don’t know how I can get over this - its like I am addicted to the roller coaster ride as it can make me feel so amazing when he is back but then so low when he goes. Its like I don’t know anything else.

This behavior of his really seems juvenile, and not representative at all of his age. It would probably be best to part ways at this point. He clearly can’t get his priorities straight, and you shouldn’t be expected to put up with his antics.

LOL yea the roller coaster ride is usually great, when your young. Im 21 and hes acting like i did a year ago. U sure you want to have something so unstable?

I know what you are saying biaxident - it does seem childish, he’s in his mid thirties- my friends have even suggested he might have something wrong ‘mentally’ as he seems so impulsive when he acts like this. I just don’t know how I can get over the heartbreak feeling and the fact we live in a small town so will keep bumping into him and I can’t handle seeing him with anyone else.

Yea, i know how you feel :’( it sucks. But the truth is you already know the answer to your question. You know it deep inside that this instability will kill you eventually. Its better you deal with the pain of leaving him then the pain of never knowing if he will be there tomorrow.

Soldier hit the nail on the head.

yeah thats true, but i just wish he had done in a way that was more respectful to my feelings. I feel the love he felt was false and it hurts so much. I just wish I knew how long it will take for this hurt to go away - I feel like i can’t function or motivate myself to do anything.

Yea i know im going through the same thing right now. Its hard, to do anything. To want to do anything. I wish there was a secret pill that can take the pain away. All i know is that eventually ill start waking up and life will start being good again. As it will for you too. We gotta stay strong ;)

I’ll try to. You too :-) thanks for your help.

Anonymous wrote:
I’ll try to. You too :-) thanks for your help.

My pleasure.

Oh boy, I did the same thing for six years. Back and forth back and forth. Finally I moved as far away as I could get from him and told him NOT to contact me uless it was for good, anything less would not be fair. Oh, and I also told him to get some professional help, if not for us then for himself.

Cut your losses now Honey and move on. You will forgive him and then it will be time to forget him.
Bottom line, do you want to put yourself through that crap for six years like I did? You are too valuable and besides, you will always be wondering when he is going to bolt again. Do you really want to live like that?

Thanks, I am just so confused and it hurts me too much to think he didn’t care about me. Each time he returns he makes me feel even more specialand I just don’t understand why he bolts. He says he doesn’t know why he does it, he just ‘goes weird’ then later is kicking himself and wishing he hadn’t acted so impulsively.

the horrible thing is when we are good, we are really great and that is the majority of the time, but then when he bolts I am the lowest I have ever been - he ususally won’t even talk to me or explain anything for a few weeks, just that he needs to be on his own.

I don’t want to live like that but I wish I was enough for him to change and stick to it. x

You will get over him, believe me. I did. It took a while but I just focused on other things, family, my friends, and work. You deserve better. It is going to hurt. You have just learned how not to be a door mat. You will know exactly what you will or will not put up with in the next relationship.

Hang in there. You will meet someone who can be everything you want and you can be yourself.

Thank you cheryls I hope the healing process is sooner rather than later. Its difficult because I live in a small town so however much avoiding you try and do you still inevitable end up bumping into them! I hope I come out of it stronger.

Hi i came accross this by chance i am going through just the same now but i married him he leaves almost once or twice a month i no how you feel frustraited angry hurt

it is just horrible. Its been 10 days now with no contact so I feel it may be permamemt this time, I have actually lost count of how many times in a 2 year period but think it must be about every 3 months or so. Like a predictable pattern! does he give a reason?

Anonymous wrote:
it is just horrible. Its been 10 days now with no contact so I feel it may be permamemt this time, I have actually lost count of how many times in a 2 year period but think it must be about every 3 months or so. Like a predictable pattern! does he give a reason?

The reason for leaving is always the same. 1. He is a Fair weather person, when everything is fine and dandy he loves it and he loves you and shows it well. But when things go wrong some us men cannot handle “the wrong” so we jolt to avoid the problem. Also i remember doing the same at one point because i was hiding something i never wanted to tell her, which was my unfaithfulness to her. So think bout that. Eventually she found out, but she stayed. I ended up leaving her, because I had more secrets and i couldn’t handle her knowing about them.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I recently have read some reviews on a book called ‘men who can’t love: how to recognise a commitment phbe before they break your heart’. From reading the reviews it sounds a lot like him. On/off all the words he used to use like ‘needing his space’ etc and the fact that he always pulls the rug when things start to settle down. I have ordered the book so hopefully it will help me. As for the ex he text a couple of times this week, one saying he was sorry for everything. The next saying he doesn’t know whats wrong with him and thinks he should be on his onw to work his head out. He says he does miss me and cared about me. It feels like mixed messages but I suppose it must be his way of saying goodbye.

Yeah, I got the same sorry a** words too. It is time to move on dear. Things will get better, really. You want someone who wants to be with you in both thick and thin. You will find that someone.

PS, dont answer his text messages. It is him knowing you are still there

Its so hard not to answer them, I did answer one, but then felt a fool as he was a bit blunt with me. I haven’t answered the last one he sent though. It makes me angry that I still love him so and long for him to come back. My head says one thing my heart saya another. x

Just keep reminding yourself that he has done nothing but yank, yes yank, your emotions all over the place. Keep that in mind everytime you see a text from him. Then press delete.

thank you for your support. I will try. Did your guy eventually go away or did he leep coming back every so often to get in contact?

He is still in the picture but I have clearly stated what I will and will not put up with. Simple. I let him know that I am only interested in a permanent relationship. Anything less is unacceptable. He got the picture and is now in therapy to help him with his commitment issues. Told him if he decided that I was who he wanted my door and heart would be open, but, it would not be open for ever. In other words, if I meet someone who I can be everything to, and he for me. I will go with that.

thank you. i read that they often keep returning. mine certainly did all the other times (but normally it is within 2 weeks which we are at now). I don’t think he is coming back but if he does i hope i will be strong enough then to let him go. x

hi Brineb, what makes you say that??

Hi…am going through the same thing now and have just read your emails please can you tell me what happened in the end and journey as I am just starting mine.

Hi Heid, I really feel for you as I know what its like! Well you asked about an update … Its nearly 4 months since we split. The first 2 months I was in pieces. It was made worse by the fact that he kept sending odd ‘titbits’ text messages keeping my hope alive but at the same time wasn’t interested. I treid my best to ignore him. I then saw him out with a nother girl who he met 2 weeks after me. That was my turning point and after a devastasting week or 2 I kind of moved on and started enjoying myself again. Funnily enough he didn’t seem to like this much and continued to send me a message every few weeks after one of his friends had seen me out enjoying himself. The messages were all the same ‘I did care about you, I am sorry, I hope you are ok and happy’ That kind of thing. Anyway after about 6 weeks with this new girl he treated her bad and dumped her. I heard all this through mutual friends. Then about 3 weeks ago (so about 3 monthhs after ourt break up) he saw me out with friends enjoying myself (male and female) and got really really agitated. Since then I was bombarded with texts and phone calls saying he can’t be without me, that he will always love me and we had something special etc etc. He is even going as far now to say he will do ANYTHING to prove to me that he wants EVERYTHING with me - he’s even tried to get me marry him so he can prove his commitment to me (he’s never wanted to get married again before). Anyway annoyingly I feel like I have taken a step back now he has started all this trying to win me back stuff as I was actually doing well without him.

My advice is: Do NOT contact them at all (this will help if you want him back, as it drives them mad if you move on), but this will also help if you want him out your life, as any communication prolongs the agony (I know!!). Try and limit bumping into them as much as possible - I did this for about 6 weeks and it really helped - looking back though I should have done it for longer as maybe I wouldn’t be tempted to weaken now! If you do take them back make it completely on your terms and stick to it. Protect yourslef and keep your own life and your own friends going as much as time you spend with him. Let me know how things are going??? x

Hi, My boyfriend left me a week ago and he has not contacted me at all…or me him (it is very hard though) He told me by text that he was going back to his wife as his sons need him they are 17 and 21, this is the wife that when we met (he was seperated when we met) that he had not been in love with for years, that they were so different etc etc which is why he had left her. We were together for a year and he told me he loved him daily that he wanted to marry me even the weekend before he left me he was telling me how much he loved me. I am finding this very hard to cope with and also fear I am in denial as I keep expecting him to suddenly realise he has made a huge mistake and come running back to me. This of course has not happened so each day rather then getting easier is getting harder as I it dawns on me he is not coming back. I love him so much, I thought I was going to marry him and grow old with him……I need to stay strong and not contact him, there is no chance of us bumping into each other we live in a big city and not close by but will he ever contact me again?