friends help: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple months. - Help.com

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple months.

I know we jumped in pretty quickly, but I figured it would settle out in time. I have been noticing though, that he doesn’t have friends. He always wants to spend time with me, and if he isn’t with me, he is usually alone. There are cultural differences affecting things as well. I’m feeling smothered, yet not enough to want to break up with him. What do I do? How do I help him get his own ‘life’? Here’s a few more background details:
-he’s an only child, his parents are separated, his father was rarely around when he was growing up, his mom is a self-imposed hermit(I think she just has social anxiety disorder and fears her english isn’t good enough).
- growing up in school, he didn’t really have friends. he would spend his lunchtimes and any freetime alone doing tai chi
- no one he grew up with in school knew he played an instrument, even though it is now supporting him(he teaches and performs for a living and does very well).
- he thinks that if he writes someone and they don’t respond to him, then they aren’t interested in being friends.
- he is constantly ’simplifying’ his life and keeps trying to do it to mine(I don’t let him though).
- all my friends like him, but he doesn’t have any friends/very few, or what he does have for friends are female. I’m not jealous, I just think this is kinda odd.

This open post was written 1 year, 5 months ago | V/U/S: 706, 3, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post


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friends, Culture, life, Beauty, Courtship, Cultural identity, boyfriend, Settle, Feeling, Couple (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

Replies (3)

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stats edited this post 1 year, 5 months ago. Read the previous text »

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple months. I know we jumped in pretty quickly, but I figured it would settle out in time. I have been noticing though, that he doesn’t have friends. He always wants to spend time with me, and if he isn’t with me, he is usually alone. There are cultural differences affecting things as well. I’m feeling smothered, yet not enough to want to break up with him. What do I do? How do I help him get his own ‘life’?

centralcoastsingles offline Verified User (1 year, 5 months) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (2 hours, 39 minutes after post)

This looks and feels like codependence on his part. You should find some hobbies or groups for him to get interested in. Find a Tai Chi or musicians group he can be a part of locally. There has got to be something around your area where he can go chill with people he has something in common with. Go to the local music store, and see what is on the bulletin board there. Ask them at the counter if there are any meetings or groups of people that just want to jam. Find some coffee shop that has open mic, and get him to go there. He might meet other musicians he can hang with. Find a dojo that may want another sensei to help teach if he is any good. They may want him to help with demonstrations and things. That would help him use the skills he already has, and be appreciated. Having a hermit mother has been lonely for him. You have to realize that if you cannot handle the way he is now, it will probably stay the same or maybe get worse. People don’t improve unless they want to. You need to find some support for him. See if there is a codependence support group or a support group for children of parents with social anxiety disorder. They can help both of you deal with this.

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skylrk offline Verified User (1 year, 5 months) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 year, 5 months ago (4 hours, 23 minutes after post)

huh sounds like you’re the lucky girl. I have to beg my bf to spend time with me sometimes. People want what they dont have right? What’s wrong with him being alone? Better alone than off doing some other girl right? (especially when most of his friends are females) Have you told him you feel smothered? Maybe he feels the same way and just thinks he’s doing the right thing for your sake. Be honest with him and tell him how you feel. Communication is key! It’s a great and rare thing that all your friends like him. He sounds like a wonderfully unique free-spirit…. music, tai-chi, he sounds very likeble. What attracted you to him in the first place? Do you enjoy his company and spending time with him? Is this someone you love and want to be with longterm? If the answer is yes, then dont try to change him. Talk to him honestly and love him for who he is. We often don’t know what we have until we lose it.

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