Love help: I just found out my fiancé is an atheist! - Help.com

it seems odd… that he would know that you are a christian, and yet, even though he claims to have told you, i think that he must have hidden it from you to some extent.

… im not quite sure what to suggest though..

That’s a tough situation.
If you love him I think that him being an athiest is something you can definately look past because some things are more important.
I don’t think it’ll cause your relationship problems beacause its been 61/2 years and you’re getting married so I don’t see how much difference it can make

Personally, I don’t see what the big deal is. My wife and I believe different things but we are happy in our marriage. Just like most things, it’s only a problem if you make it a problem.

Besides, just because he doesn’t believe now doesn’t mean he won’t start believing in the future. And your beliefs might change in the future, too.

God should be in your marriage. I’d try and gradually convert him and if that doesn’t end up working…well then…new post! lol

Anonymous wrote:
God should be in your marriage. I’d try and gradually convert him and if that doesn’t end up working…well then…new post! lol

Bad idea. Most people don’t like to be told what to believe. Doing that will probably just push him away.

I would hate it if my boyfriend tried to change my beliefs
I’d be really angry and upset that he didn’t accept me the way I accept him

i am Roman Catholic, my fiance does not agree with the Catholic church at all. we have a son, and we just baptised him. I plan on raising him Catholic. there’s a little bit of conflict, only because we have a child. but he accepts that i am Catholic and he must respect that. Hey atleast there’s still a chance that your fiance will start to believe! ya know, if you found out he was Muslim or something, that might not work. either way, it should not break your mother’s heart. you can still get married in the church. i’m going to!

Hmm. First of all let me say it is not fair for you to expect him to change as having not told you I’m sure he doesnt expect you too. IT was wrong of him to hide this however as it is quite clearly a notable difference between you. I think you two can work it out, it might be hard with kids but that love you two have for eachother shouldnt die over religion, thats kinda silly. Everyone can believe what they want, it shouldnt mean you have to end things. Diversity is a virtue, not a hindrance. We only learn by embracing a multitude of thigns around us.

i think its fine, you’re not going to let the fact that he doesnt believe in god ruin your love, is it?

Are you sure he is an atheist? Or an agnost? There is quite a difference there, and one may be more difficult for you to deal with than the other.

If needed:
Atheist: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atheist
Agnost: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnosticism

they are right about one thing, you dont marry someone and intend to “convert” them.

you dont plan on their beliefs changing, because it is a mistake to think that.

people wont change just because you want them too.

i would actually doubt marrying him as well, were i in your situation, because without god, or a good set of beliefs, divorce is just something that you can do, cause the morals are defined by each person who doesnt have a set belief. so if they want a divorce, they will probably think its okay.

this is the diffrence, you would not just think its okay, cause of your beliefs.

thats just one example of the problems you could face. i would actually suggest you talk to him about your differences, and lay it out exactly how its a problem.

you can always back out of the marriage before you are married. but you cant afterward. so i would start thinking about how your life is going to be, and decide exactly how much your willing to go through with him. cause i bet there is going to be some serious disagreements.

Are you planning to get married in a Church? If you are, you are able to look past that lie to your ‘Father in Heaven?’. Are YOU strongly attached to your faith? A practicing Church goer for example? If you are, I’ll tell you from my experience you are the one that will change. He will slowly but surely stop going to Church with you, which makes sense because it’s a lie. As that happens you will want to stay home more and more with him to have a full weekend with him. Then you will slowly stop praying, and eventually your life will be avoid of any spirit.

Then you will have children. Your mother will ask when are you going to have the baby baptized? Uhhhhhh…. what then? Who will be the Godparents? An atheist friend perhaps? Let’s extend the lie some more.

How many lies are you willing to bring into your marriage.
~Richard

richard is entirely right.

thats exactly how it will be.

Sweety - people have a right to believe what they believe.. you … and him.. as well as everyone else in this world. Now - thats all fine and good until you try to join to people and make a family and establish values, rules, instill perspectives in your kids, and such. If “religion” is important to you - you have a big problem. You will have a divided family as far as that goes and it will be very hard and may eventually end in divorce and a broken home with kids having visitation between mom and dad … dad being an athiest… mom not.

And i also agree with the above posts… never marrysomeone with intent to change them in any way. YOu marry them as is .. or dont. Yes.. people may or may not change things about their character - but it will be THEIR choice.. and are you willing to take such a risk? Its a big one. really big one. And since we are talking about children and a family - i’d take the embarrassment of canceling the wedding over potentially having a horriable marriage, confused kids, and a divorce on your plate any day.

Richard that is a fallacy man :P it’s called Slippery Slop i should have more than a C on my english lol , well not exactly stop predicting the futur :P… btw if you agreed on everything and have everything in common i guess it is pointless to God to create to persons that are the same :D … we are all different and we learn to accept one another and you being a christian to me you sound like all those typical christian , you are christian by birth and have no idea what christianity is all about , if you got offened am sorry in advance , i have to say how i feel ^_^

plus, if he finds out you would cancel the wedding over something like that, maybe he would see how much it means to you, what you you believe.

cause he surely wont think much of it after hes married you (not that he probably does now…).

If a person is a very religious person in practice and they like to incorperate values and teachings and such from thir religion into the lives of their children and family - it is pretty essential that they find a partner who has the same convictions. Whatever it may be. Now to a person who is kinda “ok” either way - and they dont really care to “instill” anything into their family accept the basic morality and concern for humanity and think they should let their children find their own “path” so to speak .. as far as religion goes… then i would guess it really dont matter as long as thye dont marry a fanatic in any certain religion. Then they would get upset at the other person pushing a belief onto the family. … but sounds like its a pretty big deal to you - so i’d probably not marry the guy if he isnt up with instilling christianity into the family and children as truth - and if your not up for allowing athesiam (sorry for the spelling) into your home. ….

thats just the thing, tricky. if you were marrying someone who believed in christianity,

after you got through seeing through your diffrences, and getting past all that,

you would still think that the other person believes stupid stuff, simply because you dont believe it.

its not a matter of seeing past, cause she could probably do that.

the problem is, he will never think much of her beliefs, if it follows the standard. i guess there is some small small chance his beliefs can change, but i wouldnt bet on it.

if your not prepared and unwilling to compromise - dont put yourself in a position that your going to have to.

i just realized you have 2 of the longest time members on the site helping you … me and amanda.

oh, and you cant trust us.

THISFIRE-Embers wrote:
thats just the thing, tricky. if you were marrying someone who believed in christianity,after you got through seeing through your diffrences, and getting past all that,you would still think that the other person believes stupid stuff, simply because you dont believe it.its not a matter of seeing past, cause she could probably do that.the problem is, he will never think much of her beliefs, if it follows the standard. i guess there is some small small chance his beliefs can change, but i wouldnt bet on it.

plz no statistic where is Dave Chappelle ” Niger dont do that , that’s 8/10″ lol
if they agree and are perfect 2gether and stuff , it’s just acpetence that is the real love that is christianity to love everybody to accept everybody even if you dont agree you really dont have to kill them , you love them , you accept them…

THISFIRE-Embers wrote:
i just realized you have 2 of the longest time members on the site helping you … me and amanda. oh, and you cant trust us.

i dont wana comment on that lol ^_^

I agree that he definitely should have told you this sooner, as it is an important issue to you and is with many of us when choosing a marriage partner, but you shouldn’t necessarily be concerned with what your mother will think. Your mother has little to do with your marriage to this man, and ultimately you need to decide for yourself if you can create a union with someone who believes differently. While I feel it is his right to choose whatever he will choose to believe in, it is yours as well to choose whether you can marry him now. He has not been honest with you, and you should not try to rebuild his faith. Perhaps if you truly love him, you can overlook this issue and trust that God will intervene, according to His will. Marriage is about sacrifice, and there will be many many times when you will need to remember that, as people are human and make many mistakes regardless of what faith they belong to. If you love him unconditionally, I would suggest going ahead with your wedding and placing your personal faith and trust in God; if you can’t compromise, however, it is also good to deal with that now before it’s too late and you are in a marriage that you will never feel happy with.

What I was trying to say (or ask…):

Is he against religion or does he ‘just not believe’.

If he is against religion it might become difficult, as he is against something you strongly believe in. I think you can not agree on everything in marriage (one likes blue, the other likes red) but that can be discussed and is not that important.

Though other things are very important. Religion being one of them.

However, is he is more of an Agnost, a non-believer, it does not have to be an issue.
He can respect your believes and might be even willing to bring this into the life of your children.

We all have different values, this does not mean we can’t be happy together.

In the way I read the post, and sorry for saying it, it feels like you have more difficulties dealing with his believes than he has with yours.

Please go out for dinner tonight and talk things over. See on which you do agree and on what not and if you together can overcome that.

PS: I personally believe a kid should not be raised religious, but be informed about religion. Various religions even. And when the kid is old enough he/she can make his/her own choice whether or not to believe and what to believe.

I agree miskat - its all about what each of you is desiring to do with the family unit - if it contrasts, you’ve got a problem. If you can work together and be unified - it should be ok. But you REALLY REALLY need to sit and have that discussion in detail. Good comment to miskat about the kid being raised religious rather than informed - i like that - and totally agree. My child will be totally informed of all the religions around the world, their origens, who started them and they will be able to decide for themselves based on facts which is true. Much like i did after being “raised” in the christian church my whole life with no question as to its validity.

But regardless - dont just get married for the sake of not being embarrassed at having to call everyone and cancel. This is your life we’re talking about.

tricky wrote:

THISFIRE-Embers wrote:
i just realized you have 2 of the longest time members on the site helping you … me and amanda. oh, and you cant trust us.

i dont wana comment on that lol ^_^

Now whats all this supposed to mean? huh??? lol…

dang it. i meant can, can!!!

wow thats annoying…

lol… ;o)

On the whole ‘he should have told you sooner’ issue.

Yes, I think he should have. If that is the case.

I am not going to put any blame here, but it is a fact that a lot of people don’t hear something if they don’t want to hear it, not even when it is told repeatedly…

(Just needed to have that said…)

miskat wrote:
On the whole ‘he should have told you sooner’ issue.

Yes, I think he should have. If that is the case.

I am not going to put any blame here, but it is a fact that a lot of people don’t hear something if they don’t want to hear it, not even when it is told repeatedly…

(Just needed to have that said…)

Good point.

dang Tricky why you bustin’ my chops today. Did you fail to read this too?

I said, “I’ll tell you from my experience you are the one that will change.” MY EXPERIENCE… as in I personally lived through this exact issue. What I wrote is NOT a fallacy, it is history… my personal history. I was not predicting any kind of future. By the way… I’m divorced now.

The number top reasons women seek divorce… lack of commitment and lack of communication. Starting off with a Bang there it sounds like to me, if he hasn’t communicated his spiritual beliefs to you.

the past of hundreds is the same as richard. ive heard countless stories like his, myself. countless being at least 10.

i know that this happens a lot, though i wish i could give a source as to how i know it, but for now, it will be hearsay.

but the past does predict the future, what happens once will most likely happen again. (when applied in a similiar situation.)

Regarding Children I agree mostly… I do believe that our children need direction, and I believe that includes spiritual direction early on. There are alot of wierdo’ out there ready and waiting to sweep up any ’seekers’. I say GIVE them the direction early, and allow them freedom to change their mind later. The lack of a spiritual foundation however leaves them vulnerable in my opinion.

Isn’t it common knowledge that stories with controversy reach us? Situations that have gone bad? And all the things that go well, we hardly hear about?

Isn’t it that people are scared of flying because they hear of crashes, but that an airplane is the safest way to travel?

Isn’t it too easy to say it goes wrong that often as we constantly hear it does?

Other thing I’d like to say:

What I see happening a lot here: We respond to a question as if it is the truth. However, when it comes to a interpersonal issue, there are two (sometimes even more) people involved. We only hear one side of the story.

I like to question a poster first to make sure we have the right story and continue from there. Glad to give support, but think it helps if we know the case completely.

Last thing:
Why, by any means, does it make someone better or to be trusted more if you are a member of Help.com for a longer time? (this is what the comment implied to my opinion)

I’ll keep quiet now unless the poster adds more to the story, as I think I can not be of more help at this moment.