Love help: I sometimes wish things would get better, most people don’t care, a few people here have already tried to help me. - Help.com

If you are contemplating suicide, hurting yourself, or you are seriously depressed: please, seek professional help!

Call this hotline (1-800-273-8255) operated by our friends at the
Suicide Prevention Lifeline, anytime, for free, professional, and
confidential assistance. While other Help.com users are likely to reply
to your post, please make sure you understand that your use of Help.com
falls under our TOS.

Note: I’m a robot that the Help.com staff created. If this response is in error, I apologize, please ignore it.

You need to get help it sounds like you could be suffering from any number of illnesses. I would look at bi-polor disorder first. The fact that you have written about it shows that you know you need help. Please seek out this help before you ruin your own and others lives.

Ruins are often disorderly.

When your life is in ruins the only way to make sense is to start rebuilding. And there’s no need to be angry with me. I can be bothered to speak to you at the moment.

You are part of the world. Perhaps the pain you feel is not the inevitable result of existence but rather simply someone else’s evil mad vengeance on the cruel world. (hypothetically)

Yes it should but that isn’t your concern.

Your concern has to be yourself. If you are not well yourself then you cannot do anything else.

Why don’t you go to the doctor? Your way of thinking does seem to be built on irrational fears and thoughts. Its not how you SHOULD be feeling.

Have you ever seen a therapist?

If you die the only one who is paying is you.

amonkhan wrote:
If I die then I stop what I might become. I’ve seen a therapist and their useless.

Correction. The ONE you saw was useless.

What type of therapist was he/she?

I can tell you, you are not evil, I can PROMISE you that you are not.

Do you know how I can tell? You’ve just told me. You’ve just asked wether you are evil. If you were evil you would believe that your ‘bad’ feelings and thoughts are right and good. Evil isn’t a trait, or something that can take over you, evil is a CHOICE.

I don’t think that you are evil because you care enough to think of what you are thinking. I don’t know what help you exactly need. But i hope you won’t give up and find some other reasons to live.

amonkhan wrote:
My life is already in ruin, and I have no f*****g disorder.

yea mate id rethink on that one.
the dramatics dont really help things. you need to get a grip on reality and get some help. a FEW here have tried to help you? look through all your posts. person after person after person has offered you advice and you refuse to take any of it.
youve been given places to go, numbers to call and you refuse. you need to start helping yourself here.

i think the problem may be fear,fear of this ,fear of that,fear of becoming ,fear of the unknown ,Xenophobia ,it has gripped you and you are held captive by its vice,when truth being ,we cannot know what lies ahead ,i have gone from high to low to near death to near mad,to scared to brave to lost to found to hurt to hope to pain to love to the cursed imagining of my head thinking life would never change ,but it will can and always does ,it is fear that blinded me everytime ,we may feel trapped with no escape,but theres always a door ,an opportunity ,and it wont be seen until you stop ,relax and face this fear that has intwined you ,lift it from you ,direct your intent and focus on what you do have, not what you dont ,and from what i see you have much ,if only you would realize ,your will power is strong persistant expressive and impressive now impress me impress everyone ,prove them wrong ,prove yourself wrong ,its ok ,to admit you are ,people will only respect you for it ,what is it you need ,if its friendship im here ,and many will be, if you are honest in the asking,humble yourself ,except the hands and be thankful,you are not forsaken be no means other than your own desires ,forget desire live free be real be kind be happy want nothing but life and you will have it,it is easy ,if you let go of desire and fear,you seem driven by worldly fads ,emo culture in a land of brainwashed meloncholy madness, i must feel sorry for myself,be blessed because you my friend have so much to be thankful for ,dont look a gift horse in the mouth ,for your life is as a king when compared to many of global citizens,and external wants and material desires have manipulated you into believing your world has nothing for you is a outright lie ,snap out of it,take yourself back ,its an illusion what you can not know will never hurt you ,cut your own path ,a blaze on to glory with what you do know and what you do have,again i see much ,life hangs in the balance ,put your foot down for what true ,heal yourself ,find this power within you ,all this suffering is based on this basic virus ,ask yourself is my thinking based on fear,ask it everytime your depressed ask it every time you make a choice,i bet every time it is ,the problem isnt you ,it is how you are thinking,every thought is being corupted and manipulated by this fear based thinking ,and you are a thinker ,i see this ,become aware of this negative thought process,it is leading you away from your true happiness ,your external and internal fullfilment,do you see,do you follow do you know ,it will slowly defeat you if you ,and i say,, you ,,allow it to persist,think well my friend ,sense it when it occurs ,fear ,say it know it ,know when it starts messing with your mind ,because i see a beautiful ,intriquing if not unique individual capable and able to conquer and reign supreme,again fear and doubt will fight you on every thought ,stripping you ,torchuring you and laughing behind your back,knowing your allowing fear to control every thought ,when in the end there is nothing to fear except fear itself, this fear will rob you of all hope ,know its name and know its game ,peace Amonkhan!

Amonkhan,

Recently I was involved in one of your posts.
Actually I did not enjoy it as I had the feeling you preferred to bash me out instead of seeing if there was something meaningful to my words.

Perhaps there was not, could be, that I judged totally wrong. If so I apologise.

What bothered me though is that you were close to the point of disrespecting me, while my intent was to give you some ‘view on life’, to share some of my stories, as there are similarities. Nothing more than that.

I got notices of other posts from you after that.
As soon as I found out you were the poster, I decided not to get into it.
Sorry, but I wish to be a bit more respected.

I don’t ask anyone to agree with me, to see my words for the truth, but common respect.

So, why on earth am I here again?

Because I think everyone has a right to an ear and a shoulder.
Everyone has value to be alive.

I can’t say I really care about you. I don’t know you.
I can say I am concerned.
And that I do wish you the best, as I wish that for everyone.

Amon. Get professional help. You are in a vicious circle.
You need someone to get you through that.

I’ve seen a dozen of therapists and the likes.
Some were useless. Some have saved my life.

I can not tell if you have a mental disorder. I can not tell if I have one.
I don’t know. I do life and most of the time I enjoy it, that’s all I need to know.

But I could use the help of some people to help me straighten things out.
To get my thoughts rearranged.

Do yourself a favour and get help. Put your pride aside and get help.

amonkhan wrote:
A cruel world that should pay. I should die.

What has the world done to you?

Darlin please don’t, I know the world has been cruel to you, as it has been to me, but surely the easiest simplest way of showing them how screwed up you are is to rise above it and become everything you ever wanted. What happend to the boy I know wanted to be a writer and live in a hobbit house in the lake district. You can still be that person, show a real **** you to everyone who has tried to do you harm by showing that despite it you can lead a life to be proud of.

amonkhan wrote:
If I die then I stop what I might become. I’ve seen a therapist and their useless.

What are you afraid of becoming?

Adam? What’s this about death? Death=BAD.

Speak to me, sweetie. What’s got you down?

You see no love because you’re not looking at you from my eyes.

And what you hate most is a defender of the innocent?

And I luv you, Amon. When you feel hollow I feel like crying.

Ok, perhaps I perceived it different than intended. Apologies for that.

If you want, put it aside and read the rest of the post.
Perhaps it can help you in some way.

Good luck.

amonkhan wrote:
I’m wrong and corrupt, I see nothing of love in my self. I feel hollow with only anger to fill the void. All I see in the world infuriates me for which I have the utmost contempt. I weep for what I have become, I sought to live my life defending against the corrupt and evil, and in doing so I have become what i dispise. I hate myself.

What is inside of you is both what you decide to put there, and what you decide to draw out.

If you were good once, good is still there, and you can choose to draw it back out and use it to color your perceptions.

Or, you can choose to see everything in an evil light.

YOU are the father of the man you will become, and YOU are equipped to make that man any person you wish him to be.

He can be a kind and loving man who will persue a career, marry, raise a family, and die an old granddad surrounded by love and memories.

Or

He can be a evil ogre that lives in prison and dies by the order of the state, accompanied by the contempt of his peers and the spit of old women.

The choice is yours. Once you’ve made your choice, you can find the path to go where you’re wanting.

amonkhan wrote:
I want people to think of me as human, I want to be loved. But I feel the bad I have and may do makes me unworthy.

The bad you FEEL is normal. Everyone does. We all have moments when we wish we could blink and make the whole world go up in smoke.

But the way you ACT is a choice you make everyday. Every turn of your life contains a choice, and you choose. If you choose wrong once, you choose right next time. And you go through life making the best choices you can.

Love comes to those who love themselves and are loveable. It will show, with every right choice you make. :)

amonkhan wrote:
I see so much pain in the world and I see as if no one cares about all the bad that happens around the world. Everyone pretends the bad doesn’t happen. I want to make the world a place of light and beauty. I would give my life for that. I am unable to do this and that makes me weak and worthless which in turn makes me angry.

Giving up your life would not add beauty to the world. It just doesn’t work that way. Beauty exists only because concious, living people are able to see it and share it.

Sorry you’re alone. I considered your last few messages, thought of replying, and decided you’d be better off waiting for someone who is more fluent in ethical philosophy. You express yourself clearly, but I find it hard to untangle some of the logic and also relate it to whatever “superior wisdom” I might have that might help you.

amonkhan wrote:
I want people to think of me as human, I want to be loved. But I feel the bad I have and may do makes me unworthy.

I to believe myself unworthy of friendship and happiness, but people always tell me how wrong I am, and now I do the same for you.
You are not bad, you have always been there whenever I needeed to talk to you, and I am here to do the same for you.

amonkhan wrote:
I see so much pain in the world and I see as if no one cares about all the bad that happens around the world. Everyone pretends the bad doesn’t happen. I want to make the world a place of light and beauty. I would give my life for that. I am unable to do this and that makes me weak and worthless which in turn makes me angry.

Adam, live, don’t give up on life. When you are an adult you could adopt a child from a broken home, and imagine seeing that childs face when you give them the first hug, first bedtime story and all those other firsts. Wouldn’t making that one child happy make the world a lighter place, even if only slightly.

amonkhan wrote:
If someone reads this I’m sorry for the anger i’ve shown, I just feel so angry at the world, I just want love, look at me I’m pathetic. I want someone to love me, but I know it will never happen. Please, please, I’m sorry. I’m so alone.

I love you hun, you’re my friend (hug) don’t feel alone.

you are not alone.
i love you.

And i’ve just read one post and your comments on it.

There IS love in the world.

You CAN give your life in order to help make the place of light and beauty, but not by taking your life. Love the world in it’s brokenness and set about sacrificing your life, by LIVING, and living with only the desire to help the world.

If all the people of light leave the world it can only turn darker.

Finally you open up a bit.

Would you mind telling a bit about your family?

I told you never to listen to your family!!

Jimbo, I know my words don’t help. And even though I’m inferior, I care about this poster and feel like I have to do SOMETHING. Even though he’s not listening to me…words are all I have.

Thanks for the encouragement anyway.

amonkhan wrote:
I just feel that maybe I’m the one who is ruining the world. That’s what my family tells me.

Your family are complete shi*ts ignore anything they ever say to you,

jimbo wrote:
This is whack!!! I’m sure all the kind words seem like they help, but I know what amonkhan is going through and I’ve been going through it since I was younger than he is. Now that I’m 29 I know it’ll never go away, and really gets worse and more pathetic with age. [quote]

Even at 29 it is not too late to change your path. You need to sit down, take stock of where the problems are, and change them. Killing yourself is NOT the answer.

[quote amonkhan]I hust feel that maybe I’m the one who is ruining the world. That’s what my family tells me.

Then your family needs to have the collective heads examined. Don’t let comments like those ruin your life. Just shake it off, and become the person you want to be. If they don’t like it, tough.

but it will. you’re only 17. life hasn’t even started yet.

amonkhan wrote:
I think life will never change, even the jimbo guy said nothing gets better and so does my family.

The Jimbo guy is wrong. Life does change. In fact, change is one thing you can count on your whole life. Nothing stays the same forever.

amonkhan wrote:
I don’t know, even if it does I don’t deserve it.

Then change that. Find some things to do to make you feel you do deserve it.

amonkhan wrote:
Even if I saved the world I wouldn’t be worth it.

How do you figure that? You are worth what you’re worth.

If you do the family dishes, you are worth the cost of a dishwasher.

Every contribution you make -good or bad- determines the ‘worth’ of you. People may say you’re worthless, but as long as you continue to wake up in the morning you have the ability to do things to increase your worth.

Hold the door for an old lady. Volunteer at a dog shelter. Pick up trash along the highway. Buy a meal for an old drunk.

These things are what give you worth. Not what someone says about you. And not the random thoughts that go through your head -no matter what those thoughts are.

No, you wouldn’t. Now what in hell do I have to say to convince you of that? You are not worthless. You are not hideous. You are just an ordinary boy trying to make a life in this world the same as every other boy your age. There’s nothing wrong with you except that you’re depressed and have a big goose egg where your self-esteem should be.

“Saving”

Saving for what? I’m not understanding?

You deserve a life just as much as any other person, if that’s what you mean.

What have you DONE to make you a bad person? Thoughts don’t count. What have you DONE that was so wrong?

amonkhan wrote:
I’ve thought bad things, I should have been able to save the two freinds who mattered to me, it’s my fault thier dead.

Bad thoughts don’t count.

Now how or why is their deaths your fault?

How did they die?

Were you driving the car? Did you pull the trigger?

How in the world can you expect yourself to have stopped these things?

And…if your friend shot himself you’ve seen how much that hurt you. That’s a great reason NOT to hurt yourself. You know first hand just how un-funny that is.

You are only human. You are not an angel, a saint, a God or a devil. You have only human powers and only human abilities.

You cannot expect yourself to be able to do any more than what any other person can do.

How? How could you prevent a car from running over your girlfriend?

Tried what? To make her your girlfriend? There are lots of girls out there looking for boyfriends. And I’m sure plenty of them would love to meet you, bad thoughts and all.

I have to go to sleep soon. But I’d love to talk to you some more tomorrow. Will you be here?

Okay; tell me exactly what happened.
I’ll stay up for another hour or so if you’ll tell the story about her, okay?

Okay; I understand that. How old were you when this happened?

Ouch. :( I lost a good friend at 15, too. A drunk driver killed him. :(

Were you there with her when it happened?

Ouch. :( Were you able to talk to her? Did she know you were there?

Do you have an unusual last name? If not, I wouldn’t worry about it. Someone found out my last name on one of my websites, but there’s about 10,000 people with my name, so I can’t think it matters much.

So, you were able to talk to her? Were you able to tell her everything you thought you needed to?

Hon, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. That person may be halfway across the planet from you. You have bigger problems right now, and there are lots of people here who care about you and are trying to help. We don’t =none of us= want to see you hurt any more in any way, okay?

Please, let’s focus on the important stuff -making your life better- and worry ’bout the small stuff later, okay?

Don’t worry about it.

Please stop calling yourself names. It hurts me a bit everytime you do that. You are not evil or stupid or unworthy.

No, it isn’t. Stop blaming yourself for things you can’t possibly control

lol

I know I’m right. You just keep seeing that doctor! Time will tell, and you can and will heal.

In the meantime, I’ve got to go. I’m too tired to type any more. But I will be back tomorrow.