Love help: What made you cheat? - Help.com

I was dating this guy because he was older and I thought it was kind of cool. But then I met one who I really liked and bam, stupid mistake. I think since a lot of guys we find don’t have ALL of the qualities we want, when we find someone who ahs more of a different kind…well, we’ve got it all.

I cheated on my long term partner to whom I was engaged. Looking back now it was obvious that he was abusive and a horrible controlling person. I met someone through work who was kind and loving and generous and generally lovely. It took me about a year to disentangle myself from the abusive relationship but now I am married VERY happily to the ‘boy from work’ and I would never consider cheating again. I still feel like a bad person but the only thing I would change would be leaving him well before I did. Maybe though I would not be so lucky as to be with my husband now? Who knows, it wasn’t right of me to cheat but I woul

oops… wouldn’t change my husband for the world! is what i meant!

I never cheated though it came to me many times as my previous and current partners were/are crappy. They show love and affection to you and on the other hand they are flirting with other women and when you confront them they pretend to be the upset ones. For me it would be when my partner wouldn’t share his deepest thoughts with me anymore but with stranger women, when my partner shows emotional abuse etc.

Sounds like you’re still trying to reason out why your g/f cheated on you…?

I cheated on a girlfriend that I had for a while. I blame the alcohol, the fact I had really minimal feelings for my g/f at that point, and the fact that I was super in love with another girl.

I broke up with that girlfriend and dated the new girl for 1.5 years.

-Seraph-

I could say that it was because of my husbands neglect of the relationship - or I could say it was also the fact that this other man showed me the affection and love and determination that i had been longing to see - and i can also say that it was because I fell in love with this “other guy” - but - even though all of those things had some part in it … thats still not the reason i cheated.

I cheated because I began to care more about myself and my own desires and wants more than I cared about the relationship and the commitment i had made to “us” way back when. And i had allowed my feelings, my husbands faults, my own unmet desires and expectations, and what i forsaw with this other person be used to validate my actions. So.. i did it because i gave myself permission to do so.

I love your answer, Amanda. I think commitment alone can only take a couple so far, and beyond that each person in the relationship needs to have their needs and desires met or temptation and self-preservation take over.

Yes.. but there is more to commitment than just “not cheating”. there is a commitment to learn how to communicate, to learn how to love in a way in which the other perceives it to be love, a commitment to grow and develop as an individual and thus a couple… a commitment to understanding, … and so much more. I personally think commitment can take a couple very far - because in such a commitment and dedication - true love always flourishes.

True - we do need to have our needs met… but never does that give validation to lower our own standards as a person. .. which we often do in our despearation.

AmandaLynn wrote:
Yes.. but there is more to commitment than just “not cheating”. there is a commitment to learn how to communicate, to learn how to love in a way in which the other perceives it to be love, a commitment to grow and develop as an individual and thus a couple… a commitment to understanding, … and so much more. I personally think commitment can take a couple very far - because in such a commitment and dedication - true love always flourishes.

True - we do need to have our needs met… but never does that give validation to lower our own standards as a person. .. which we often do in our despearation.

I agree. But let’s not make light of that desperation. When it grabs a handful, everything else just because more fuel for the bonfire. :(

True - and im not making light of that desperation. But i have personally found that if a couple is to move on from such happenings as an affair - one cannot hold on to those feelings of “desperation”… becasue it will prevent them from seeing the truth.

When we began to work through things - i could not continue to hold on to how past “neglectful appearing situations” made me feel - or else i would never see what was really happening. My feelings and hurt would have nto allowed me. Suchas - that my husband really did love me - but that his own insecurities and feelings of failure with the relatinship and with me made him tend to withdraw from the relationship and appear as if he didtn love me or care about me. My complaints were not seen as a cry for help - but a sign of his failure (in his eyes) … just for one.

So no,.. im not making light of it.. and i realize it can take total control of us and set a raging bonfire going in the relationship. But wen that happens… it prevents any rational or profitable communication going on between the couple becasue all one sees is emotions flying in the form of words and actions… no real heart is shared.. becasue it is hidden from the pain. And the fire continues to blaze… it is a sad cycle - but one that is rarely avoided.

I like your answers too AmandaLynn. I would definitely cheat my husband if he showed absolutely no more affection to me, if he stopped communicating with me as he used to do, if he put other people in his life more important than I was. In fact, the man I am with currently neglects me and my feelings and I don’t think I am that important in his life anymore as I used to be. He openly turns his head in public after skinny young chicks and that makes me feel like 2 cents. I try to ignore it but the fact is I am thinking either to end this abusive relationship or cheat. I need someone he used to be, who literally adored me and put me first. He had two relationships before me and all ended with breakups. I am beginning to think he cannot commit and he gets bored with his partners after a while.