school help: I have been seperated from my wife since November15 of 2007 , - Help.com

I have been seperated from my wife since November15

of 2007 , I recieved divorce papers 3 weeks ago , I have 4 children ages 5,4,3, and 1 year and 9 months 3 girls and 1 boy. Both my wife or x are Christians, We have been married for 12 years and I have been verbally abusive for 10 and physically also , shoving, slapping, but mostley a lot of yelling , trying to be intimidating. As of january I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, not an excuse but for me would explain alot , especially throught me growing up in elemantery school all the way through college, I will probally never forgive myself , I am attending mens groups for my sake , I called the womans domestic help line here in **** louis mo and they gave me numbers to call, I try to keep myself busy with school on mon night church chior practice on wed an divorce recovery on thursdays, I call my children and pray with them and talk on the phone every single night, My wife wants me to have supervised visits with my children because a year ago I yelled at my son and her urinated on himself, thats abuse, I new at the time it was wrong and I should have walked away from the situation before it happended, but did not, sholda couda wooda, whatever it happened, I have not got a attorney and told her I would agree to all in parework given to me, because its the last act of kidness and not putting the family through anything else hard that is important
My wife and I built our dream home (5000sq ft) here in **** louis on 4 acers , we did moost of it , the only things we did not do was plumbing, mud and tae shingle, and carpet, we did the rest , I even put in my own septic system , never did anything like this before , all the children have there own full bathroom , the reasoning was we prayed about it and felt the Lord wanted us there , we were going to home school the children, it took us 2 years , my wife at the time was 8 months pregnant and ran all electrical in the house, and helped hang drywall, I was never a good listener for her , just a solver, and when at the time she wouldnt listen (to my expert adive…please) I would get mad , she was my soulmate, and now this is the consequences of my sins and actions forever, husbands out there , hold your wifes tell them that you respect them and you are proud of them, I am proud of my x , she ho;ds a masters in speech patholigy and is a good mother,Of course I would be lieing if I didnt say I wished the Holy Spirit would stir her heart , but thats not up to me, now i live in a 1 bedroom apt 45 minutes away from them and closer to work , I am going to therepy right now and not work because I am a walking zombie, all I have is my children and the Lord, and I dont even know what to say to Him, My good fiend is a pastor and I am getting Christian counseling , but my worst enemy right now is time, thought about writing a book even thogh I cannot spell or write in case you noticed from this letter:)
Im scared I miss putting down my children to bed , bath time , dinner time with them and the soft touch of my soon to be x Michelle, I know what i have to do , just do not want to , I have never experienced fighting the flesh before, I miss hearing about her day, the I love you at the end of everyday ,sometimes I think why bother going on she could find a better God fearing man who will also take good care of the children, though she says the thought of another relationship disgust her and she is married to the Lord there is so much more , but I created this hell ,now it is my cross to bear i am at scot727719at yahoo

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