Love help: My life in it self is very strange. - Help.com

My life in it self is very strange.

I dont know exactly what i am feeling or what i am supposed to feel sometimes. I guess you could say that i wore a mask to become more…cooler? but after i put the mask on over and over again, one day it just didnt come off. I dont know when i started to wear this mask or why i did it i just know for a very very long time i have been lost in myself unsure of what my true feelings are.

I have gone through alot of things in my life, stuff i thought only i felt but began to realise that it wasnt just me. I grew up in a home were my parents didnt love each other..Love what a destructive emotion they only married due to some complications. Since i was young i moved around alot for 1 or 2 years i was with my mum and she was running from my dad, i dont know why cause my dad is like an angel he dosent do anything bad, he always thinks of his children before himself but for some reason my mother didnt love him. it wasnt as if my parents didnt love me because i know they do and i am glad they do its just i felt emptyness of somesort. I dont exactely blame this on my parents cause when i grew older they eventually got a divorce and since then i havnt seen my father, not cause my mum is stoping me but because of the mask i have worn that makes me believe that i.. i dont need to. I wish i could sometimes i wish i had the strength and courage to do it but i am too scare because i have lived a large part of my life without him and a part of me thinks that if i call him something bad may happen.

My schooling year to me seemed pretty normal i thought but i would get depresse alot, i woudnt show it to others because it makes me look like a person who craves attetion. As i was reaching my 11th grade i just coudnt take it anymore. I dont know what it was but i had this black hole inside of me that was eating everything up i coudnt stop it. So i tried, i remebered somethings about my childhood over in japan were i spent a couple months every few years. I could remember i was happy then, well a bit happier then i am now. So i tried my best to go there as an exchange which happened i left school and went over to japan were i am now.

but things are different, I feel beter i cant say cured but its a different type of hole that is slowley eating away inside i dont now what it is i have no hints in myself of mind. I am lost about what to do now, its like as if someone has given me a map which i follow then the wind comes and blows it away i am los and stranded in a place i dont know. I cant say i am depressed i guess i could describe it as confused. What i really dont like is that there is not many people who can speak english here and when i just wish i had someone to talk to at school to get my mind off things i just dont have anyone at all.

I am sorry if i have made anyone feel sorry for me, cause this in my mind, this life i have currently is not comparable to those who are beaten, abused and what not

I just posted my story to make me feel a little less baggaged if you understand, thank you anyone who has read this i am feeling alot lighter now after telling my story.

P.S I apologise for any spelling errors or if anything didnt make sense…very sorry

This open post was written 1 year, 5 months ago | V/U/S: 139, 5, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

japan, Mind, Love, Mask, life, school, Year, Child, Thought, Felt, my own thoughts (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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