father help: i have two kid one is 2 going on 3 and the othe ris 8 months. - Help.com

I’m not sure what the right thing to do here is, but it doesn’t sound like you want this man to come back into your life. Does he have no interest in being a father? Do you get any child support from him? I’m curious since it might make a difference in how you treat this question.

It’s pretty terrible making a child feel as if her father doesn’t want her. But I have to say, the father is being a real louse for not showing up occassionally to see his child. I assume he just refuses to communicate with you. Or does he promise to come by and just flake out. I would just be honest in saying that you and the father aren’t together any more, but explain that this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. Keep up with a business trip excuse for a while longer I guess. But if the father stays out of the picture for 12 months, I don’t know what to say. It’s pretty horrible to consider his lack of caring for his child. Maybe say that he left the city. I’m stumped. There’s no way this can’t hurt your child.

I’m stumped. I’m not sure what to tell your little girl that will cause the least amount of damage. I mean the truth is is, her father doesn’t care about her, but you can’t tell her that. It will crush her. I’m requesting some help from others…

I didn’t see anything about the father not wanting to see his kids in this post. Are you assuming he doesn’t want to have anything to do with his kids because of his infidelity or did he actually tell you he doesn’t want to be involved in his kid’s life? Are you in contact at all with this man or did you cut him out of his life because he cheated?

Contact Big Brothers , Big Sisters. They are a wonderful organization and have qualified people to help in these types of situations. Tell your daughter the truth when she can handle it. In the mean time just keep doing everything you can for your children. You sound like a very good mother. Forget about the deadbeat father. He’ll only break your little girls heart more. That would be wrong. She so doesn’t deserve that.

JustMe was having trouble posting. I am pasting her response:

“The best thing to do is not talk negatively about their father. When they get older they will be able to put the pieces together and make their own judgements about him, good or bad. Make sure your kids know that you love them and that their father does to, he just can’t show it right now. If he ever does send a child support check, make sure you leave it “lying around” for your kids to see so they know that no matter how little or far apart he is trying to do something. Finally, find an older borther or other strong male figure that can be constantly in your children’s life. It is impossible for one person to be both mother and father to a child. ”

Soco brings a great point. You can contact the Big Brother/Big Sisters through your local YMCA. I agree that talking negatively about the father is not the right decision. You want to keep that door available for the future. When shes older she may want to seek out her father, or he may have a change of heart and seek out his child. What most people seem to ignore is that kids understand a great deal more than the parents give them credit for. She is very young, and its possible she may not remember most of this. But its possible she will as well. Next time she asks about her Dad, tell her the truth. All you have to say is that the two of you arent together anymore, but put emphasis on the fact that it had nothing to do with her. Pick up the phone and call him for your daughter. If he doesnt answer, let him know it was the child wanting to talk to her father and ask that he call her. If you make a habit of lying to the child, she will eventually learn the truth and be upset with you for not being honest.

Tell her the truth to the extent that you and daddy are not getting along very well and that he still loves her. Of course like animal said make sure she knows it had nothing to do with her. Don’t give her all the gorey details thats between you and him. Let her make her own judgements about who he is for herself. Don’t hide who her father is from her leave the photos in the album. She will ask you who he is when she is ready. If he doesn’t want to be a part of her life it is no real lose. Someday you may meet a wonderful man who can be a good daddy to her. Children are a blessing if he doesnt want to make an effort its his loss. Just be glad she is so young.

hi: I agree with animal and tallowisp, CM Thiessen and all of the above.
The father has a right to see his child. In Canadian law whether or not he makes support payments he would still have visitation rights.
I was a foster child and heard many innuendoes about my natural mother and father and believe me, a child’s imagination can outdo, over-imagine the worst hidden truth ever. Since your child seems to have forgotten her Dad for the time being and she is so young, leave the truth for later. She is too young to understand anyway. No matter what you say she can’t process it. About six to seven years of age she will have questions galore. This is the time to tell her her Daddy loves her but you separated because the two of you didn’t get along.
Please don’t hide the truth–there is no way a lie can be hidden in a family–it will surface eventually and the consequences can be dire.
Blessings on you and your family.

When I was in a very similar situation, I was heavy in my heart feeling my little boys pain, wondering where his father was. I went to great lengths to bring my son to see his dad, driving great distances each day, loosing sleep and time, energy and money. I grieved alot and ultimately shorted myself on prescious energy I could have used in my relationship with my son. His father did not come around and now, because I instilled the ideal that you should love your father, in my child, he worships the ground he walks on, and can do no wrong in his eyes. Problem being, he lies to him consistantly and my son refuses to acknowledge it. He is forever letting him down, breaking promises, not showing up, you name it. I realized that my sons relationship with his father has little to do with me, meaning I am not responsible for it. Don’t get me wrong, if it was ever a saftey issue or something like that, I’d very much make it my responsibility. I just mean, there is time, and as my son has gotten older, he has found his voice and now, he can communicate what he is feeling to his dad, he can call him, he can make plans. And pleasently enough, he attracts male energy in forms other than his fathers and has created his own relationships that give him what he needs. My advice would be to relax and let things be as they are. Accept them, then the energy can shift. Use your energy to create a great relationship with your child, the time goes by so fast, you will kick yourself for missing it.

When my daughter came along, and her father cheated on our family and left us, I had implemented this understanding… There is a Zen quote that says something like this…”If he comes home, welcome him…If he does not, do not persue….I survived the second time, and so has my daughter.

Men make a choice to be men, or ignore thier calling…You just focus on the joy that you have and cultivate it, pretty soon, there will be no abscence of anything in the world of you and your child, and that love that overflows can’t help but attract more, and possibly someone who feels called to be there, and that is what you bothe deserve. Don’t focus on what you don’t have, you’ll just end up with more of the same. Be greatful for what you do have…

Have you ever seen the movie the secret? I highly reccomend this flick…Find a copy…Bless you and your sacred little one!
Love to you!