school help: I have a dilemma. - Help.com

You have the Right to yell at him until he cries like a little girl
But that doesn’t mean your obligated to
Its hard to give real advice on topics like these because only you know the situation,
But I’m hoping that you can take confidence in whatever conclusion you finally come to!

It doesnt sound like there are any easy answers here. You need to talk to your dad when you feel ready in yourself to do so. Allow yourself some time to come to terms with what has happened, and accept that its ok to be angry about it.

As hard as it is to accept at times, we are all humans - our parents too - we all make mistakes - sometimes great big huge mistakes, that really hurt other people. I guess unless there was any intention to hurt others (which is rare) maybe you can at some point (not now - in the future) work on rebuilding your relationship with your dad. In the mean time, is there someone at college that you can talk to about how your feeling? It will help if you have someone you can confide in, a counseller or friend?

Maybe you could write a letter to your dad - get all your feelings down on paper. You dont have to send it, but it might help you get out all those feelings that hurt.

Remember - no matter what happens, you are your own person. No one decent will judge you for your parents behaviour. It sounds like your mum needs a good friend right now. Maybe you could start by giving her a call?

write it down pray about it and think about it.
sometimes it seems we have to say what we think feel etc but in the end there may not be any point. so sit with it awhile. sorry this happening to you….and, also - best to really think about what is best longterm.

I think it is natural to want him to feel the pain he caused you - but also not useful to you. The fact is - it IS best to forgive him…..unforgiveness is kinda like taking poison and expecting him to feel the results. The deal is - if you work really hard, and forgive him, YOUr life will be better. It may be hard - but I really do believe in karma….and not for You to pay him back….but that whatever mercy you require/forgiveness for when youve messed up, you’ll receive essentially what you give. YEs - obviously that big of a messup is unlikely - and, also - I think not to forgive him will bring a big darkness/limitation on your own life/victory that you may not even know about.
As I said - may take time - but I’d really work on it. I hope too that he loves you enough and wakes up enough to be able to hear what a drag its been - but, even if not, that you are able to get to a place to release/forgive him. AND - I am sorry this happened to you…..sounds super tough….but you also sound strong and I think you can forgive even if you have to work at it.

I truly believe there is a reason for everything and that your father is acting in the way he wishes even if it unfortunately is upsetting others. I really really think the best thing is to talk, tell him you really want to understand him and what is going through his mind. Im afraid we all have the habit of mind reading and judging when the only way we will really understand is knowing. Once you know the complete truth of how your father feels, then you can judge weather you think he is right or wrong, but you must remember that will only be your interpretation of right or wrong.

You may have heard this before, a good parable for this is:

A nice lady was waiting on a platform for a train. There was a guy watching his 4 children throwing tins on the lines, shouting and screaming causing havoc. After a while the lady couldnt stand it any longer and shouted to the guy, whats the matter with you ? cant you control your children ? The guy looked at the lady with a tired face, im really sorry, we just left the hospital, im tired and just want to get the kids home. I just dont feel i have the strengh at the moment, i need to find a way to tell them we will bury their mum next week.

Nothing has meaning than the meaning you give it

Take care and chin up

kayla54 wrote:
Thanks Wayneandc, I guess I never thought about it that way. I have focused on seeing my dad as this terrible monster that ruined my family ( which he did) but maybe I should ask why. It doesnt really matter if the answer is right, because ther really is no excuse for his actions, but forgiving him a long way off. I think I’ll just ask him why, first. Baby steps, I guess. Thanks for the help.

Really no worries at all, you seem real kind, i trust it will all work out for you.

I think ill make a post of the last parable, ido like that one, it can help people to be open minded

I think he probably knows very well what he has done and how it has affected all your lives.. It will wait until then, either you feel as strongly about it then as you do now, or you will have changed your mind and be happy you haven’t confronted him before.

its horrible.
and, you have to forgive him.
to be angry for the rest of your life, then turn bitter, kind of as bad as him, just different kind.
he’ll get his karma, - he messed up big.
i can only imagine its hard to firgive him
and, well, you have to say whatcha think and then forgiv him

How about writing down how you feel, instead of making a phone call? You could read it through a few times before sending it, to be sure you get the message through in exactly the way you want.

Thats a real good idea, we all fumble our words when we talk in situations like this, to write it all down and let him know would be good, or even do a home movie and send the tape this way he will see your emotions and not be able to respond and defend his point of view. :) :) :)

hey K - good for you not just slamming door and forgetting forever that’d be easier and just wouldnt serve You well- staying connected is whats hard…forgiving will take work but you can do it. and until then just leave the door open tiny bit. and there ISNt a good reason for what he did - we know that - the reason is the same reason you, i and everyone messes up yes even this big - we’re messed up!
i am sorry your going through this understand where youre at and respect your struggle….i’m believing for you to be able to forgive, even if it takes a long long time…..and the above ideas - great….always good to write/wait for emotions to calm down…

wayneandc wrote:
Thats a real good idea, we all fumble our words when we talk in situations like this, to write it all down and let him know would be good, or even do a home movie and send the tape this way he will see your emotions and not be able to respond and defend his point of view. :) :) :)

Try the above, tell him how you feel, i think he will be amazed at how grown up you really are !! You make sense to us all here, im sure

i say tell him the truth.
you feel that if his feelings were changing for your mom - he should have addressed that. if that didnt work -then sought to get out. then, later, sought someone else.

to betray and cheat is not cool or honorable or decent or mature - and you thought it immature and selfish and not decent or honorable the way he went about things. and that you will work to get to a place where you forgive, everyone makes mistakes, and also - that his self-focus throughout this has been painful and disappointing.

in other words: you will try to get over the fact he’s been selfish and indecent and immature.

between you and me girl - God will take care of this - dont you feel you have to punish him for you or your mom’s sake. you need to work to forgive - this kind of thing sows bad seeds no matter what your dad thinks….you just focus on trying to forgive - (for me, comes from focusing on My mistakes/what i’ve needed mercy for…). Mostly —– dont expect (clearly, not just yet - can hope for it) but dont expect your dad to be mature and understanding and thoughtful of anyone other than him right now - clearly he is not able - and dont take it personally - it is His personal problem, you are just collatoral damage (so to speak - you ARe a very valuable person, but for someone like that, in their world, seems they only can see themselves!)….anyway- I am SOOO sorry. Frankly girl - he sounds like a completely selfish self-absorbed ninny who is missing the boat on what is important in life……..i fear for his karma….You sound absolutely lovely - keep your eye on having peace/joy/forgiving - you’ll be fine….sheesh. what a bozo, eh?

ps I think what he means by ‘maturity’ is your challenge with turning a blind eye to the selfish, damaging, self-absorbed ways he went about this whole thing….and just ignoring that and celebrating.

i think if you have the opportunity to speak your truth, even if he cant hear it, at least you will feel better…..and know you tried.

if he cant hear or see you/your reality in this at all - its a shame - but - good to know - b/c thats not healthy for you - just dont take it personally.

sheesh - he sure sounds really into himself….i think your mom is fortunate to have that guy outa her life frankly. what a nightmare.

It sounds as if your father already got the point: he realizes that you disapprove of his actions. Calling you ‘immature’ is his own defence mechanism, trying to make your opinion mean less, even though it obviously does mean a lot to him: otherwise he would have just told you and not cared what you thought or felt.