Love help: My beloved husband has just filed for divorce & refuses to talk to me. - Help.com

I think you had an amazingly difficult beginning and Pete was just not up to the challenge at all. It sounds like he has remained selfish. I think you should start anew with someone who’s a grownup. You need to heal yourself from all this first. Signed, Dear Abby :)

eowkay …

I worry about giving advice without more detail and without knowing you and Pete better - so please keep in mind that we don’t really have enough information to give you a fair response.

That said, your whole description is strange. How could Pete possibly, under the circumstances, have expected you to move? And how could you possibly, remotely, think that it’s a good idea to move yourself and especially your two sons into a relationship with someone that exhibits such low regard for you and your situation. If everything you have written here is correct, I am dumbfounded that you are even remotely considering trying to reconnect with this guy.

I would go so far as to say that your post makes me a little angry. “Love” is not enough to justify marrying someone. There was a brilliant article about this in the newspaper this weekend: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/opi…

If you just wanted to sacrifice your life to a relationship that obviously isn’t going to work out, that would be one thing. But you have children involved! I can’t believe your wording: “Pete agreed to let us stay.” That’s frightening.

These tragedies in your life won’t be the only bumps in the road. And you need to be with someone who is going to stick with you through them. Pete hasn’t demonstrated the ability to do that.

AmandaLynn wrote:
florie? you think a long distance marriage is a good idea?

No, never! But I still think he’s not grasping the meaning of marriage, and was not “giving” at all, and for that reason I called him selfish and not grown up

Hey AmandaLynn - I do know several people in happy long distance marriages.

okay - so there’s that caveat - in all cases, the people were together before they were apart.

among professors and graduate students in some schools it’s very common. people who are committed to each other are able to spend a few years apart if they have to with no problem.

goodnight!

AmandaLynn wrote:
ok.. im off to get bed time routeen goin. gotta put 7 kids to bed! night yall.

Really, you have 7 kids? How did that happen?

Alex response sums it up well.

Why would you want to be with anyone who would uproot your kids an not offer emotional support you when your Mom was dying? A stranger would offer more support and kindness. This controlling man sounds like bad news. You are better off by yourself than with a man like this. Do you really think someone this uncaring would be a good role model for your sons? Would you accept this behavior from your sons if they were married to a wife in a similar situation as your situation.

Chances are good, if your husband won’t talk to you he is probably having an affair.

You sound like a wonderful person who deserves a decent kind strong and gentle man.

I don’t want to appear rude but your husband sounds like he hasn’t grown up yet. I feel you jumped into this relationship far too quickly I assume because you are afraid of being alone. Don’t be. You have your children to think about first and formost. You need to learn how to date and enjoy someones company before you rush into anything. If you let this man dictate to you at this juncture you will become someone you will not be happy with in the long run. Good luck to you and your children and enjoy the time you have with your Father.

Azimmerman3, I think your husband felt that you were making excuses to not join him. Obviously, you were NOT . . . but either from misunderstanding or jealousy he thought he was always playing second fiddle to your parents. No, he shouldn’t have expected you to leave your mother while she was dying . . . although people can linger at death’s door for years. You and Pete need to sit down in front of a marriage counselor and get all of this aired out and cleared up. Tell him that there is nothing to lose by going to a marriage counselor . . . and STRESS that you were not trying to avoid him, but that you got caught up in trying to care for your parents and keeping your assets from going to hell. I’ll tell you something, kid, and I know this extremely well because of my military experience: things happen during a separation. That “commuter marriage” hurt more than either of you realize, and I would not necessarily agree that your son’s finishing the eighth grade at his middle school was the most important consideration. Pete sees himself as being put off time and again. On a fundamental level, he sees himself as less important as the other things in your life. He’s got some pretty hurt feelings. Now, about Pete I’d have to say that jumping up and filing for divorce doesn’t sound like he has a good set of problem-solving skills–so a good counselor is a must if the marriage is to be saved. If I were you, I’d press him to see a counselor . . . and I’d stress to him that the separations were NOT intentional, and that he was NOT taking a back seat to anybody . . . you were just trying to do your best. Personally, I could not ask my wife to forget about her dying mother. But there are real complexities here. You owe it to each other to talk out things calmly and rationally with a counselor. Pete has a lot of anger AND misunderstandings that need to be defused . . . and you need to realize that at least once, you did put Pete on the back burner (the school issue). So I pray you get counseling, and I wish you both the best of luck!

Do you have a church? I was wondering about a clergyman contacting Steve. Tell you what . . . why not contact a church and ask the pastor to talk to him? He probably wouldn’t hang up on a pastor. I think your husband just felt that he was put off for too long. I’m just trying to get inside his head and give you the perspective I THINK he has . . . and he just felt that everything and everybody came before him, and in one sense, he is right–everything and everybody else did come before him. Again, I think things should have been talked out, but I think his feelings got hurt, and I think he felt that YOU had gotten “cold feet” about the marriage. Now, at this point, you will need an “intervention” to save the marriage–you will need somebody who can talk to him, whom he will listen to. But I think he would at least read any letter you sent to him. Some other advice . . . do NOT go running to a lawyer right now. I will tell you this: once you get your own lawyer, you can kiss the marriage goodbye. Lawyers will push a divorce . . . they will make the divorce take on a life of its own. So, send him a letter, ask a clergyman to intervene. Heck, send him FLOWERS! No, I’m not kidding! The guy is hurting, Azimmerman3, and he feels that you have dumped him. He’s trying to “dump you back,” if you know what I mean. Don’t give up yet! Do everything in your power to make him understand that you WANT him!

What nonsense, the guy is not hurting the way you described it Chev. It sounds more like you went through a dumping period. How can her husband being hurt and feeling being dumped when she needed all the support and help even from him. Would you be hurt and angry with your wife if her mother and father were hospitalized, sick, and going through all those difficulties she went through? This lady did not get ANY help from Pete. The guy was completely selfish and on top of it he plays the hurt one. Even now, he would not give her a chance…what does that mean if not wanting to deal with her? Where was he when she went through all those difficulies? I agree with the previous posts saying that this guy is a bad news. I would not waste my time on him anymore. He showed what kind of help and support he would give and how much she could count on him during bad times…obviously he would not support her if she’d had another tragedy but would play the offended one. Sending him flowers?? What kind of an advice is that? This lady is hurt and the husband supposed to show her how much she means in his life! Talk to me Azimmermann3, I can fill you up with useful advices as I went through a very similar experience when I broke up with my husband.

Not defending the guy’s actions . . . but trying to show how he is viewing things from HIS perspective. All situations are different, of course. But let’s revisit the original post: Azimmermann3 referred to Pete as her “beloved” husband. She obviously wants to keep him–whether he’s the “catch of the century” or not. (P.S. I’m sure I’m not, either! ;-) ) Also, let’s look at this one sentence: “Because the boys were terribly upset about moving we agreed to have a commuter marriage for one year so my older son could complete his 8th grade year at his middle school.” Sorry, Azimmermann3, but here’s where you made a big mistake. It wasn’t the boys’ call. You originally put off being with your husband because your boys didn’t want to change schools in the middle of the year. I was an “Air Force brat” and my family moved all the time–and the kids would have survived a mid-year move. Then, of course, there was a series of unfortunate events . . . but by that time Pete was already chafing because he was playing second fiddle to the boys’ concerns about changing schools. Yes, Azimmermann3, I think you should have been with your mom. But by the time she was hospitalized, some damage had been done. I don’t want to “second guess” all of Azimmermann3’s decisions, however. We ALL make mistakes, and Pete has made his share of them in this scenario. In fact, I think that Pete could definitely shoulder the blame for a lot of things here. But the simple fact is that at the start of the marriage, Pete was put on the back burner for something that wasn’t exactly a burning issue. That’s the perspective I’m trying to show. Now, Pete and Azim got together for a reason, or a number of reasons. They were initially in love. Then THINGS HAPPENED. Azim thinks Pete should be more understanding, and Pete probably thinks that he was the low man on the totem pole. What needs to happen is for all of the hurt feelings to be put aside long enough to talk. Shame on Pete for not talking! But before a marriage goes down the tubes, the husband and wife owe it to each other to go to counseling and to earnestly try to resolve differences. As a retired military officer, I can tell everyone that separations are very, very hard, and the damage they do often isn’t seen until years later. I hope both parties here can sit down and talk and send the lawyers packing until they can decide what is best for them. Will pray for all concerned!

Well, Azim, I think that Pete is about to lose a really wonderful woman. You have still fought to hold onto him and you still have love for him. That’s admirable. I’m still hopeful things will work out. Please allow me to offer the additional perspectives: your first husband, and your boys’ father, sounds like a wonderful person. You all have the fondest memories of him, and that’s good. Because of this, however, Pete is “competing with a saint.” Your boys feel that showing love or respect to Pete is disloyal to the memory of their father. They are wrong, but that is how they feel–and I can assure you, they will give any other man in your life a very, very hard time. The “back talk” that Pete suffered also did a lot of damage. I personally think that being a stepparent is the most thankless job in the world. No matter what the stepfather or stepmother does for a child, the child will almost never hold that person in the same esteem as the biological parent that is absent. The missing biological parent, whether absent due to death or divorce, takes on absolutely mythological proportions in the child’s mind. I know something about this because I was married to a woman who had three children by a previous marriage. I must tell you that although their father did everything in his power to duck child support (I finally told him to keep his money, that I would provide for his kids if he didn’t care about them) and behaved like a jerk in general, I never enjoyed the respect or love from the stepchildren that they gave to their biological father. I would also tell you that at the very first sign of disrespect to the stepparent, the custodial biological parents has to make it known that such conduct is not acceptable. I’m not saying Pete is acting right, but he probably feels whipped from the start. I’m betting that if you had all gotten together right after being married, these problems wouldn’t have split you apart. You were separated during the critical “bonding period” right after marriage, and you were first separated on the basis of the boys’ objections to changing schools mid-year. Whether you realize it or not, at least part of the boys’ objections had their basis in an agenda to split the two of you apart. In my own case, my former spouse lost all interest in me after the kids were gone–and when I got a divorce, the stepchildren not only treated me as a pariah, but their stepbrother–my son–as well. When the youngest stepson got married, he made it a point not to invite my son–yet they all got along very well when they were together. I think, Azim, that Pete may be immature in some ways, and I think he has definitely acted wrong by not communicating–but he probably saw a life with you and your boys as an exercise in futility. The boys were going to shut him out, and they got their way in keeping the two of you apart, and it was just too much for Pete. Now, if I could talk to Pete, I’d tell him to sit down with you and talk, and to keep an open mind. I think you are a wonderful woman with a real sense of family responsibility. It’s just that so very often, a husband doesn’t feel that he is truly a part of his wife’s family. I hope this helps somewhat!

Well, Azim, it’s not over until it’s over, until the proverbial fat lady sings. But I think you should stuff a sock in the fat lady’s mouth and tell your husband that you realized you made some mistakes, that you weren’t trying to put him off, that you didn’t mean to put him on the back burner. It is my humble opinion that it wasn’t taking care of your mom or dad as much as proposing the “commuter marriage” to accommodate the boys’ desires. Pete really did get put on the back burner, and the heat was turned off, to boot! What you are dealing with, Azim, is a man with very, very hurt feelings. He feels rejected. He feels that he came in a distant sixth or seventh in your list of priorities. Really . . . send him flowers! GO to him. Camp out on his doorstep and say, “You can have me arrested, but I’m not leaving until we talk!” Can his heart be melted at this point? Yes, it can. What will it take? It will take your convincing him that from this point on, he WILL be number one in your life–not the boys, not “things” or other members of the family, but him. In my own case, yes, I did initiate the divorce. My former spouse was spending us into bankruptcy, and refused to let me see any bank statements or bills. She put her own family members first. She never wanted to do anything as a couple. I went to church and sat there alone in my pew 99 percent of the time. She had an addiction to the home shopping networks–and I am not exaggerating in the least. Things might have gone better if we had talked to a counselor earlier, but I was frankly ashamed to tell someone I had let my wife pull the wool over my eyes to that degree. But divorce is tragic. It is to be avoided. You can be haunted by it years afterwards. The main thing is to leave no stone unturned in saving your marriage–because if you do not do that, you will forever regret not looking under all of the stones. Again, your husband is hurt. If the shoe had been on the other foot, you would have most certainly protested the delays in getting together. If he had told you he wanted to put off living together for a year so one of his kids could stay in the same middle school, you would have questioned that, also. Azim, here was a guy who had faults, but he was willing to marry a woman with two children, and there aren’t a lot of guys who would do that, to be perfectly honest. He was really taking on quite a lot . . . and then it seemed that he wasn’t appreciated. Well, we all make mistakes and we all have regrets . . . so GO to him and tell him what your mistakes were and what you regret. If he doesn’t accept your apologies and give the relationship another chance, well, the lick’s on him. I think you most certainly are a wonderful woman who has a lot to offer. I really hope things work out, because I think you’d both be the poorer if this marriage went down the tubes.

Friends are indeed a blessing, and they can really help you get through some tough times. Do I think he would accept flowers–or something else–as a “peace offering” and invitation to talk. I will say this: it would be downright ungentlemanly to ignore such a gesture. I have advised to make such an effort so that if the marriage cannot be saved, you will at least walk away knowing that you did all you could. On the other hand, it just might break the ice and enable a real breakthrough. You can be sure that Pete is receiving all kinds of advice right now, and not much of it good. His mother is undoubtedly telling him that he was unappreciated, and you have to remember that mothers-in-law often have an agenda. Mothers-in-law can be horrible in the way they treat “step” grandchildren; they also usually prefer that their sons marry women who don’t already have children. They want their “own” grandchildren, as it were. I was a single parent for a number of years, and can tell you that a LOT of women didn’t want to marry a man who had a child living with him. I think Pete’s mother could have at least told him that you tried to call. If I could talk to Pete, I’d say, “Pete, you know your wife made some mistakes, chiefly allowing her sons to call the shots when the two of you first got married. But she didn’t make any decisions because you were a low priority. She was under tremendous pressure and she was just trying to do her best. Now, Pete, the thing is that you’ve got a wife with a real sense of responsibility, and that’s something to be really valued in today’s world. This is a woman who will stick with you through thick and thin. Yeah, her boys gave you some lip, but you got to remember that they’re still grieving for their father. You just need to sit down and talk with them and tell them that you’re not going to try to replace their father, but that you want to be a father figure in their lives. Tell ‘em you’d like to talk to them about what they and their father did together. Also, Pete, you need to talk with your wife. Talking isn’t going to hurt anything. But you need to tell family and well-meaning friends to back off, because this is about the two of you. Nobody else is going to have to live with the decisions the two of you make. And, finally, Pete, I’m going to tell you this: there is too little love in this world to throw any of it away. Don’t throw away this woman and the love she has for you. If you’ll just give her a chance, you will find yourself the center of a loving home. And those kids will come around, and they will feel privileged to have a great guy like you in their lives. But this is not a time to throw in the towel, especially since you haven’t even been talking. Swallow your hurt pride, Pete, and give this woman a chance, because you’ll never find another one who loves you like she does!” And that is exactly what I’d tell him!

Chev. you sound like one of the soap operas. Azim, don’t send any flowers. Pete has made up his mind already and since January as you stated, he doesn’t want to do anything with you. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t have given you ultimatums in your time of grieve and sorrow, when you needed to be with your mother, father, house selling etc. He already has an attorney and wouldn’t talk to you. DO NOT BEG and go after him. If it were all true what Chev. tells us here that you are such a wonderful woman, you will be able to find another person who would not put you through guilt over something he agreed on to beging with. After all, didn’t you say you BOTH agreed on the commuting relationship. He agreed on having you wait until your son finished school. What happened in between with HIM? It wasn’t you who didn’t stick up to the marriage vows but him. And if it is true what Chev. says here that he listens to his mother, to everybody but his wife, then the best thing is to let him go. It means he values everybody else over you according to Chev.’s reasoning. Yes, bonding time wasn’t there but it was because you BOTH agreed to it. Not as Chev. says because you put your sons first. Chev. you sound like you regretted your divorce. You said your ex spent like crazy and didn’t treat you right. Is that the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and regretted divorcing? Is that you suggesting to Azim to do, to beg a selfish jerk who will treat her crap? Just think about it. For your own sake and for your kids’sake file for divorce. You will find a man who would give you the bonding time you deserve.

Well, Azim, everybody’s looking at your situation from up here in the “nosebleed section,” i.e., we’re a long way from where you are, and we can’t talk to your husband. But there are a few assumptions that we can make, such as your husband married you with full knowledge that you already had two boys, and presumably he knew he’d be taking on a lot of responsibilities–but that didn’t stop him. What I see are a lot of hurt feelings all around. Now, my brother-in-law had hurt feelings about a month ago, and he killed himself. The point of this comment is that when we are hurt about something, we don’t think rationally or make sound decisions. In my own case, I had to leave the marriage or face ruin and the humiliation of having my possessions divided among creditors while I was still alive. My former spouse would never admit that she had a problem, and she refused to get help. Unfortunately, our priest told her it was “no big deal” to spend your family into oblivion, and she took that as a green light to keep going. But one thing needs to be stressed: there are NO “cookbook solutions.” What worked in my case or someone else’s case may not work in yours, Azim. Each case has its own particular components, and they may be interacting in a totally different way than in someone else’s situation. I would say this, though: divorce should be the last option considered, unless there is a physical threat involved. Is the marriage worth saving? That is a question that ONLY Azim and Pete can answer. And I hope that they will be able to sit down and calmly and rationally figure that out!

This is the most interesting and problem solving/advicing post I read so far. Azim is right to say her problem created two groups: one who wants to save her marriage, the second one who says to end it. I have to agree with chev.jame however. What I would like to know, not that I am being nosey, but Azim didn’t write or tell us all the facts to really give her any suggestions, and she has the right not to. What I am trying to get at is why did Pete change his mind and feelings towards you during your commuter marriage period when he agreed to go ahead with it? How many times did you guys see each other? Did he tell you repeatedly during that period before he first filed for divorce and before any tragedy occured that he changed his mind and wants you and the boys NOW with him? Did you agree or tried to remind him of his promise in favour of your son? If the answer to these questions favour Pete, chev.jame is right saying Pete is HURT. He wanted you but you weren’t there to bond. Azim, I have to tell you something. I will sound like the Donkey in Shrek movie, but I am hoping you will understand. Men have many layers. They are very shy, sensitive beings, and it is up to a sensitive, nurturing, loving woman to unfold each layer with patience, understanding and love. It would be a waste to let this relationship go. You said you are friends, and chev.jame is right again stating that Pete took you in with both of your kids. Not many men would do such thing. Please don’t give up, no matter what it takes, somehow try to find the way back to his heart and unfold his “layers” one at a time. I am sure he really loves you but he is in a vulnerable state now as it shows he can’t make a proper decision by himself, he is listening to wrong advices. Could anyone take care of your sons for a week or so while you would commute to his State and would spend a little time with him? Try to talk to him, without announcing to anyone you would want to see him? He needs to see you, hear from you and talk with you but not States apart, long distance, and over the phone. Make an effort and go save your marriage!

Azim, after reading all of your responses, I felt terrible. I really truly thought your marriage could be saved but after reading more information what happened, I am dumbfounded, shocked, and disappointed. Not because of you but what Pete did to you. I tried very hard to put Pete’s shoes on and the only thing I found was that he is confused. How can he file for divorce, hang up the phone, then when you show up pretend nothing happened and be in a honeymoon stage? Not only that but going after you having a good time, then continuing with the drama? He should have made up his mind one way or another. I have a very strong feeling that he is being influenced by maybe his mother? to break up with you but he really wants you still. He should decide himself and not let anyone interfere. That is not manly. I don’t know anything about him but what I’ve heard from you, he really acts like a little boy. Another thing; that was really bad from his part to pressure you with things when your mother was dying and especially telling you at that time he is filing for divorce. He should have waited with that news after mourning was over. Magdastuar, though her opinion is strong, is right, maybe it would be better off for everyone’s sake to forget this man and move on.

Azim, you’ve got some tough choices ahead of you. You might decide that the marriage is worth saving, but Pete may not give you a chance. It takes two to make a relationship, but only one to destroy it. But I believe that when people divorce, they owe it to each other to say, “The reason I couldn’t live with you was _________ (insert the cause).” I’m sure Pete has good qualities, or you wouldn’t have fallen in love with him in the first place. I think Pete may have a hard time forgiving things or people, and the fact that he was never married before may indicate something of an uncompromising nature on his part (getting ready to duck now!). I, too, think that Pete was probably unduly influenced by his mother. And, as Beatricegalant noted, he was acting as if he were confused. I think he was. I think he felt rejected via the “commuter marriage,” and then became unreasoning in his demands to have you join him. I think it was wrong for the boys to call the shots in this: I think a year with a decent stepfather would have more than made up for changing schools. Pete, however, was also wrong to press you so hard when your mother was sick. If the two of you could just sit down and talk without his family butting in, I’m sure that all of these feelings could be aired out and resolved. I’ve really got to “ding” Pete for his unwillingness to talk. I think, Azim, that it was your “marital right” to be “heard out” by Pete before he concludes any divorce action. I am really sincere when I tell you, Azim, that Pete is going to have some bitter regrets about his actions a little ways down the road. And, Azim, I’ve got to tell you that I think you have a nobility of character and a sense of responsibility that distinguishes you. In short, I have great admiration for you. I wish there was something I could do to ease the pain you’re going through. If I could get to him, I’d kick Pete dead in the seat of the pants and tell him that he’s about to miss out on a wonderful life. I hope this man comes to his senses before all the love goes out of his life.

Azim, I sympathize and understand your sorrow. I went through hell during my breakup with my husband long time ago. It was more than your pain and experience you describe here, especially because we had a common child together and he used her as a pawn to get back at me…I can’t write about this because it is still haunting me and it is VERY painful still. But believe me when I tell you, despite of the pain and anguish you feel right now, one day you will find your true and real partner in life, like I did. My current husband is the most wonderful man on earth and if it weren’t for him, my child and myself would not be living. Literally. I wasn’t looking for anyone when we bumped into each other. The funny thing was that both of us, at the same time, without knowing about each other’s existence, prayed to God and asked Him, before we die please let us know true love…we, my husband and I, firmly believe we were given to each other as a gift. Azim, you are going to find a man like my husband and why I know this for sure is because you are a wonderful, sensitive and caring woman. Have faith and be proud of yourself of what you had done so far!

Azim, are you Jewish by any chance? I will tell you later why I asked that question.
I know exactly what you mean by saying you can’t think of being with another man right now and that you need healing. It took me 5 years before I was “ready” to have a relationship with another man after my first husband and I broke up. That is when I met my current husband who helped me finalize my divorce, supported me emotionally all the way, and helped my daughter to heal too. I am not saying jump into another relationship. You do have a lot of healing especially after dealing with your family loss and with your sick son…You are a wonderful woman and just don’t give up hope ever that life cannot give you more than what you deserve. Everything in life has its purpose, reason, why things happen the way they do. I added you to my friend’s list, you can do the same if you like, I will give you my email address too and if you want, we can write to each other. I really want to help you.