Love help: This is (not) Goodbye. - Help.com

This is (not) Goodbye.

Those of you who didn’t trust me were right.
I’m real to nobody and I’m not even real to myself.
I have decided that I will not change.
I have decided that this is not something that I will regret.
It’s all a game, everything is.
Life is a game, and I’m winning, so why should I surrender it all?
For the sake of some security and a little peace of mind.
To me, it’s not worth it.
But I am different from you, so I don’t expect you to follow this train of thought.
It’s interesting, that’s all it is, and I somehow found this ugliness beautiful.
And for the first time I’ve seen a beauty that I don’t want to destroy.
You were right and so was I.
It’s all a game in the palm of my hand.
Think what you will of me, but it’s time for me to disappear.

I’ll disappear back into the person you want me to be.
I’ll don the mask of the person you love.
It’s better that way, it’s more real that way.
It’s the truest reality that I have ever known.

Because all I do is lie. And when I sprinkle in the truth no one is any wiser.
I’ve lifted off the personalities of other people and adopted their thoughts, their ideas, their ways of thinking.
I have spent my entire life studying you and each day I’m getting closer and closer to knowing how you work.
Isn’t it strange? I’m learning what it means to be human. But if I must learn it, then what am I?

But I’ll disappear for the sake of peace.
No one wants to see my face among the people they love.
And that’s understandable.

So I’ll BECOME the person you love.
I’ll be the one to charm you with humor, wit, and romance.
And all your life it will never be necessary for you to know who I really am.
And it will not affect you in any way.
And you will be content to know that I am a shoulder to lean on, a guardian angel, a benevolent stranger, a generous volunteer, a responsible member of the community, a coworker who’s got your back, a theologian to trust and guide you, a faithful student, a dedicated teacher, your role-model, your lover, your neighbor, your best friend.
You will be content to believe that I am normal.

I’ve always thought that you can never, ever, truly trust a person.
It’s a maddening truth that you can never completely know who they are.
You will NEVER know all their secrets.
You will never even suspect their wildest thoughts.
You can NEVER know what they are capable of. doing. thinking.
But if they take the secret to the grave, does it matter?
Do you love them any less? No. You have no reason to.
Because you cannot know.

Is that good? Is that bad?
I am not one to decide.
I only live with the life I’m given. Use the body I have and the mind I possess.
I will not change, that much is clear.

You may not like me, but as soon as you direct your thoughts at this person I will be long gone away.
I’ll be on the other side, next to you, condemning.
Because that is the person you’d like me to be.
That much is clear.

You may hear about me in the future.
Whether it will be of my success or my failure I do not know.
And neither will you for that matter.
And you will judge, not knowing that I am really just sitting right next to you.
And I will judge, because that’s what I am supposed to do.

This may seem wrong.
But to me that is impossible.
I may seem restricted, may seem chained.
But in reality, I have never been more free.

This is goodbye.
I have said all that I have intended to say.
This is the end of this person that you’ve come to know.
Consider them erased as a conscious being.
I am not gone, I am just ‘not present’.
I am here as I always will be.
Because I can only be who I am.
I only wonder,
if you aren’t real, even to yourself, then what are you?
You are me.

Goodbye.

This open post was written 2 months, 4 weeks ago | V/U/S: 244, 38, 12 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

Reciprocity (3) Many thank yous! The poster has helped others since their own post was made.

Since writing this post Lacuna has helped in 3 other users' posts within the last 4 days. Lacuna is a verified member, has been around for 3 months, 1 week and has 10 posts and 584 replies to their name.

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Replies (38)

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optimismiles offline Verified User (1 year, 4 months) Long Term User Shouts: 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (5 minutes after post)

are you changing your ways or are you sick of your life?
your writing is beautiful, you’re gifted.

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Chameleon offline Verified User (3 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (8 minutes after post)

“But I am different from you, so I don’t expect you to follow this train of thought.”

You keep thinking that you’re so unique and no one is like you. And we keep telling you that everyone has a dark side, you just delve deeper into yours because you think about it too much. Pull yourself out of this slump and allow yourself to be happy.
You have much to be happy about, unlike many.

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bla offline Unverified User #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (9 minutes after post)

Wow, i’m in such a similar situation..

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Eccedentesiast offline Verified User (6 months) Long Term User Shouts: 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (17 minutes after post)

‘This may seem wrong.
But to me that is impossible.
I may seem restricted, may seem chained.
But in reality, I have never been more free.’

I agree, your writing is… really captivating.

but, (as i am looking through your other posts) you are rejecting the advice that has been given to you…

it’s hard to grasp what kind of person you really are.

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Help me with: Hallucinations!
Hibernating Haro offline Verified User (4 months) Long Term User Shouts: 132 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (19 minutes after post)

Those are some interesting statements.
Indeed it’s hard to understand (or maybe I’m just dumb…)
But I feel like that’s how I feel sometimes.

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skyy offline Verified User (4 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (19 minutes after post)

Yea shes good. I hope you get the help you need and stop acting like this. Its scary to be honest but i guess to you its a joke, you laugh at the people who think differently than you and who dont understand you. But whatever, as long as you dont harm anyone im good.
Good bye

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Chameleon offline Verified User (3 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (20 minutes after post)

Yes I’m beginning to think she posts on this site merely to get compliments on her writing skills. It’s only a suspicion, but a growing one. The reason I question her intentions is because I have spent hours in her threads with other people and she will never listen to anyone’s advice. She seems proud of her sadistic tendencies and will not believe that she is not unique for having a dark side.

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Eccedentesiast offline Verified User (6 months) Long Term User Shouts: 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (25 minutes after post)

eh, well, i for one have not yet had the ‘pleasure’ or entertaining thoughts of homicide…

but if that is normal, then that explains it, since normalcy rarely ever seems to grace my presence. :)

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Help me with: Hallucinations!
Indigo_Rain offline Verified User (4 months) Long Term User Shouts: 407 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (26 minutes after post)

That is such an amazing piece of writing…

And not all that of a terrible prospect, no? Giving yourself up for someone?

But could you really do it? Could you really give up all that you are, all that you will be, could you really give it all up?

and why would you /want/ to know everything about everyone? What would you be left with? No mystery, no sudden unveiling at an old age…

Will you speak to me? to us? At the very least, I just like seeing how you phrase such simple words…you twist them into shapes they can’t make…

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Help me with: Actually, Invisible
icv offline Verified User (3 months, 3 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (26 minutes after post)

I think if she is just playing it is kind of sad.

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Chameleon offline Verified User (3 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (27 minutes after post)

lol Eccedentesiast. We had a thread the other day on confessing if we’d ever fantasized about killing someone. It was full of people saying YES!

Eccedentesiast wrote:
eh, well, i for one have not yet had the ‘pleasure’ or entertaining thoughts of homicide…but if that is normal, then that explains it, since normalcy rarely ever seems to grace my presence. :)

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Eccedentesiast offline Verified User (6 months) Long Term User Shouts: 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (28 minutes after post)

Chameleon wrote:
lol Eccedentesiast. We had a thread the other day on confessing if we’d ever fantasized about killing someone. It was full of people saying YES!

Eccedentesiast wrote:
eh, well, i for one have not yet had the ‘pleasure’ or entertaining thoughts of homicide…but if that is normal, then that explains it, since normalcy rarely ever seems to grace my presence. :)

oh dear. what an disconcerting way to comfort someone! :)

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Help me with: Hallucinations!
Eccedentesiast offline Verified User (6 months) Long Term User Shouts: 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (32 minutes after post)

playing games with people as the pawns… no me gusta. :P

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Help me with: Hallucinations!
Indigo_Rain offline Verified User (4 months) Long Term User Shouts: 407 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (33 minutes after post)

If she is, I give her kudos. She’s pretty darn good at it…

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Help me with: Actually, Invisible
Chameleon offline Verified User (3 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (34 minutes after post)

Eccedentesiast wrote:

Chameleon wrote:
lol Eccedentesiast. We had a thread the other day on confessing if we’d ever fantasized about killing someone. It was full of people saying YES!
Eccedentesiast wrote:
eh, well, i for one have not yet had the ‘pleasure’ or entertaining thoughts of homicide…but if that is normal, then that explains it, since normalcy rarely ever seems to grace my presence. :)
oh dear. what an disconcerting way to comfort someone! :)

ROFL omg no it wasn’t like that! A member made a post saying “Ok come on admit it, who all of you have fantasized about killing someone you hate?” So people went in and told the truth.

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Eccedentesiast offline Verified User (6 months) Long Term User Shouts: 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (38 minutes after post)

Chameleon wrote:

Eccedentesiast wrote:
Chameleon wrote:
lol Eccedentesiast. We had a thread the other day on confessing if we’d ever fantasized about killing someone. It was full of people saying YES!
Eccedentesiast wrote:
eh, well, i for one have not yet had the ‘pleasure’ or entertaining thoughts of homicide…but if that is normal, then that explains it, since normalcy rarely ever seems to grace my presence. :)
oh dear. what an disconcerting way to comfort someone! :)
ROFL omg no it wasn’t like that! A member made a post saying “Ok come on admit it, who all of you have fantasized about killing someone you hate?” So people went in and told the truth.

ah, what a more innocent way of putting it. almost sounds cutely recreational. ALMOST. :)

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Help me with: Hallucinations!
Eccedentesiast offline Verified User (6 months) Long Term User Shouts: 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (39 minutes after post)

Indigo_Rain wrote:
If she is, I give her kudos. She’s pretty darn good at it…

if, yes. it’s like a one-man social experiment. an online community that allows for people to address their ideas more openly… :/

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Help me with: Hallucinations!
Indigo_Rain offline Verified User (4 months) Long Term User Shouts: 407 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (45 minutes after post)

Eccedentesiast wrote:

Indigo_Rain wrote:
If she is, I give her kudos. She’s pretty darn good at it…
if, yes. it’s like a one-man social experiment. an online community that allows for people to address their ideas more openly… :/

But I think I should feel horrible if she wasn’t playing? I mean…?

She’s awfully clever either way…I think she rather out-clevered me from the first word…

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Help me with: Actually, Invisible
Eccedentesiast offline Verified User (6 months) Long Term User Shouts: 5 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (48 minutes after post)

i dunno, her other posts sound sincere, but this one just says ‘whatever’. elegantly, of course, which just adds insult to injury. :P

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Help me with: Hallucinations!
Anonymous #
2 months, 4 weeks ago (50 minutes after post)

hah, she’s saying that she’s gonna be the same, despite everything that happened in that last post! whatever is right, but it’s a big slap in the face for anyone who fell for it.

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skyy offline Verified User (4 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (52 minutes after post)

Why are people still replying to her post and shes not even online anymore. We are just feeding her ego even more. She doesnt want help so leave her post….

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apt offline Verified User (1 year, 2 months) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 1 minute after post)

wouldn’t it be interesting if she had another account here all along?

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Chameleon offline Verified User (3 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 3 minutes after post)

So you’re saying it’s you apt?

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apt offline Verified User (1 year, 2 months) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 5 minutes after post)

ah, you have found me out! no. thought it would be possible. but also just as possible that she is you. that would be kind of fscked up, though.

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Chameleon offline Verified User (3 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 6 minutes after post)

lol well personally it makes no difference to me if she’s got 100 user accounts here.
Why would it matter?

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skyy offline Verified User (4 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 10 minutes after post)

Chameleon i think apt is Sicko. Read her post she said “ever since i was five years old I’ve been drawn to morbid interests”. Which happens to be the same age sicko started having “evil” thoughts.

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skyy offline Verified User (4 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 10 minutes after post)

Hmmm sounds fishy to me

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apt offline Verified User (1 year, 2 months) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 10 minutes after post)

well it would matter if she was one of those people who played a large part in her posts. for example, if she was you (which i’m gonna assume is false), she’d be setting up an entire conversation simply for show.

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apt offline Verified User (1 year, 2 months) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 12 minutes after post)

skyy wrote:
Chameleon i think apt is Sicko. Read her post she said “ever since i was five years old I’ve been drawn to morbid interests”. Which happens to be the same age sicko started having “evil” thoughts.

ha ha, maybe it’s similar, but i’ve never been drawn to hurt anyone or myself. i’m happy being apathetic.

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apt offline Verified User (1 year, 2 months) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 13 minutes after post)

just trying to think outside the box guys, no need to go all witchhunt on people. like ecce said, if it’s a social experiment, then a reaction is what she wants.

but oh well. i’ll take skyy’s advice and stop humoring her and replying to this.

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Chameleon offline Verified User (3 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 14 minutes after post)

skyy wrote:
Chameleon i think apt is Sicko. Read her post she said “ever since i was five years old I’ve been drawn to morbid interests”. Which happens to be the same age sicko started having “evil” thoughts.

Could be that sicko is apt…but who cares? I can’t see how it would make any difference if she turned out to be anyone of our members. Well…except for that fact that if it was a member I respected that would be over.

apt wrote:
well it would matter if she was one of those people who played a large part in her posts. for example, if she was you (which i’m gonna assume is false), she’d be setting up an entire conversation simply for show.

As I posted earlier on this thread - I suspect she just posts for show, attention, compliments on her writing, and to watch the shock factor reaction.

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skyy offline Verified User (4 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 45 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 17 minutes after post)

Whatever apt, as for now you are sicko and thats that. You replied to my post and now you are making us think you arent sicko. Im done with this. Please dont reply on my post and i wont reply on yours.
Your little game you like playing isnt really that amusing or at least to me its not. Not anymore. So have fun writing your little stories and getting reactions out of people. But im done bye

Im unsubscribing now

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apt offline Verified User (1 year, 2 months) Long Term User Shouts: 13 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 19 minutes after post)

think of me as what you will. i don’t know you, so it doesn’t make any difference to me.

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Mas1st offline Verified User (6 months, 3 weeks) Help.com Volunteer Moderator Long Term User Shouts: 417 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (2 hours, 22 minutes after post)

My god - it was a typical Emo poem that any 15 year old with half a brain could write. And remember you can copy and paste anything on the internet so who is to say this person even wrote it.

Trolls usually use other people’s work so I always assume that the majority of poems here have been nicked from MySpace.

Lighten up guys - dont get sucked into arguments about who is who.

After all it’s highly unlikely any of you are ever going to meet.

So if you dont like it - leave it - Regards Mas

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Romy22 offline Verified User (9 months, 2 weeks) Long Term User Shouts: 12 #
Al Gharrafah, 01, QA | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (6 hours, 54 minutes after post)

wow….writing is a skill!!!

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Help me with: MAC
Tornpage offline Verified User (3 months) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 4 weeks ago (9 hours, 13 minutes after post)

If this is a real poem, props.

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Lacuna offline Verified User (3 months, 1 week) Long Term User Shouts: 21 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 2 weeks ago (1 week, 4 days after post)

it’s quite interesting how many emotions have been stirred as a result of a single poem. of course i wrote this, but even whether i did or not is in fact irrelevant. what is most inriguing is to see how so many people’s opinions change with a simple revelation of words…

it is also interesting what chameleon said in response:

Chameleon wrote:
“But I am different from you, so I don’t expect you to follow this train of thought.”

You keep thinking that you’re so unique and no one is like you. And we keep telling you that everyone has a dark side, you just delve deeper into yours because you think about it too much. Pull yourself out of this slump and allow yourself to be happy.
You have much to be happy about, unlike many.

perhaps this i what i’ve been trying to get at all along. don’t get me wrong, i am content with life, i am simply trying to understand the human being. i do not understand it at all, but if people are in actuality just like me, then this world is a lot more complicated and roundabout place than i have previously supposed.

as much as the people closest to me have no idea of my true int